


A Sense of Familiarity

by jfd2403



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-02-10 21:22:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18668629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jfd2403/pseuds/jfd2403
Summary: This will be a collection of all the events that unfold as Elia explores a new side of him. It all begins when Elia and the contrabbandieri join Marti at the radio's Christmas party. His day dreaming by the couch is cut short by the arrival of someone new.





	1. The Christmas Party

Silvia managed to convince Marti to host a Christmas party for everyone involved in their school radio. The plan was to play Bingo, give out some presents, and eat some cake… just a simple Christmas party. Marti invited the boys and even though they gave him a hard time about going they all showed up in the end.

Thirty minutes after arriving at Marti’s house, Elia finds himself alone sitting in the couch. Luchino just left to fetch them something to eat and drink from the kitchen. Elia sits up and looks across the Christmas tree next to the sofa, into the kitchen door. He can hear Martino, Niccolo and Gio talking and laughing inside. From where he’s seating, Elia sees Luca having a hard time balancing the two drinks and three bags of potato chips in his hands. Niccolo notices Luchi is struggling and makes a joke Elia can’t quite hear all the way from the couch. But Gio hears it and finds it hilarious; he’s crouching, resting his forehead on Niccolo’s shoulder, laughing so hard his stomach is hurting. Niccolo finally helps Luca, taking a drink off his hand, while the other is unsuccessfully thinking of a good comeback. Elia notices Martino looking proudly at Niccolo. He’s happy to see how his friends and boyfriend are interacting with each other so naturally.

Elia smiles realizing how much things have changed in the last month. It was only a few weeks ago that Marti confided in them about Niccolo and his sexuality. It wasn’t that long ago but the contrabbandieri have grown considerably closer since then. Elia remembers the four of them at Bracciano discussing the latest update regarding Niccolo. They all could see that Marti cared deeply for Nico but the group wasn’t so sure he was good enough for him. Judging by Nico’s actions, they felt Marti was being played. But in the end, the contrabbandieri have complete trust of one another. They didn’t know Niccolo that well but they know and trust Martino. If Martino was sure of Niccolo it was for a reason, and Elia could see it now: they compliment each other, they make each other laugh and they make each other happy. And if Marti is happy, the contrabbandieri are happy too, especially Gio. 

Gio approached Elia and Luchino a few days before the Christmas party asking them to include Niccolo as much as they could because it was important to Marti. This great amount of support for Marti and his relationship made Elia feel calm and secure in how they would react once he decides to share with them his own journey of acceptance about his bisexuality. He has known about it for a while now but he doesn’t feel ready to actively deal with the subject so he decided to put that conversation on hold for now.

_“…I mean, I haven’t even met a guy I would be interested in dating yet, so there’s no point in confronting this now right?”_ He would tell himself from time to time.

Besides, if he had to choose someone to date at the moment it wouldn’t be a boy, it would be the Argentinian, Sofi. Her being at the Christmas party is a big reason why Elia agreed to be there. This is also why Gio is at the also here. It’s no secret that both of them are into her. But everything points at Gio being the one she’s most interested in. Elia has noticed Sofi’s staring nervously at Gio, today more than ever, so he decides to stop pursuing her. Apart from her, he isn’t really sure whom else he wants like to date.

_“Well, there’s also Laura…”_ Elia thinks as he stares at the Christmas tree.

Laura is his neighbor. He met her a few weeks ago when she was moving in with her family across the hall from his apartment. They’ve run into each other a few times in the hallway but they haven’t had a proper conversation yet, just quick hellos. Elia could tell they had similar interests just by the few times they’ve interacted. The second time he saw her she was humming one of his favorite songs, and they even have similar taste in clothes. But for Elia the main reason he was so drawn to her was the way she carried herself. Laura has this way of being that it’s so appealing to him. In part is the fact that even when Elia can tell she’s running late she seems to be calm and composed. But also it’s the way she walks so confidently and speaks so naturally about anything.

_“And her smile…”_ Elia thinks as he sighs.

Laura’s smile lights up the room; it’s such an honest smile. She has most of the qualities Elia admires in other people, qualities he finds attractive and creates in him the desire to get to know someone better. Qualities he strives to have someday himself. 

Elia thinks of Laura and leans back on the couch forgetting that his friends left him alone and are still in the kitchen. He must’ve been visibly smiling because Martino yelled out his name when he walked back to the living room.

“Elia! Why are you smiling like that? If I didn’t know better I would say you’re thinking of someone special.” Marti teased him.

Elia laughs and denies it, “I was just remembering a funny story.”

Martino is about to sit down on the couch when the doorbell rings. Elia doesn’t know who it could be since everyone he can think of is already there: the boys in the kitchen, the girls sorting out the bingo and the others from the radio seating by the dinning room. Martino walks towards the door and laughs as he opens it. Elia is now getting up to see whom the voices he can’t recognize belong to. His attention quickly shifts towards the girls who are running to the door screaming with joy after seeing that one of the people at the door is Eleonora, who came back to Rome earlier as a surprise. The girls hug and pull her towards the couch to catch up. Elia walks towards the kitchen, looking at the door where Martino is hugging someone else hello.

“I’m so happy you decided to join us.” Marti told the boy that was standing by the door holding two bags with drinks and snacks.

“You know I can’t say no to a party” he replies while putting the bags down on a table.

Marti laughs which makes the boy smile. Elia has the strange feeling of recognizing that smile. It feels so familiar; it’s a calm, confident and honest smile. Apparently it was a contagious one too, because Elia could feel himself smiling at them from the kitchen door.

Grabbing the boy by the wrist, Martino walks towards the kitchen saying, “Come, let me introduce you to my friends. 

As they walk by the girls, Eleonora says, “Girls, do you remember my brother? He’s Marti’s friend too.”

Martino turned around after hearing his name. “Yeah, I met him not long ago but we’re close friends now.”

The boy agrees with him “Yes, I’m his Jack and he’s my Rose” he says teasing Martino whist laughing.

Martino groans giving the boy a small push before walking towards the kitchen, leaving him laughing loudly in the living room. Curious about the commotion Gio, Niccolo and Luchino join Elia outside of the kitchen door to see what’s going on. Upon noticing the four pairs of eyes looking at him by the door, the boy turns towards them and smiles brightly. Martino, no longer pretending to be annoyed by the joke, laughs as he joins his friends. The boys walk back inside the kitchen, Elia being the last one to move. As they walk in Gio speaks but Elia is not paying enough attention to hear it. He’s more invested in listening to the conversation happening outside, in the living room.

Elia finally walks slowly into the kitchen when he hears Eva say: “Come sit with us, we haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you Filippo?”

“Filippo” Elia repeats the name under his breath.

He makes a mental note to remember it.

 

 

 

 


	2. A Long Nap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back home from school, Elia decides to rest his eyes for a bit but ends up sleeping more than planned. He's running late, and after missing the bus, he now has to walk to the cafe to meet his friends when he sees a familiar face.

It’s mid February in Rome, just after lunch time. Elia’s room is messier than usual. His school backpack on the bed but all its contents on the floor, surrounded by piles of clothes, books and some empty water bottles. Elia is lying on his bed, the open curtains letting the sunlight in, warming up his cheeks as he opens his eyes. Elia wakes up from a long nap, yawning as he stretches his arms. He was planning on taking a short nap before meeting the boys, but he must’ve forgotten to set up an alarm

 _“Shit! The boys.”_ He suddenly remembers they made plans to meet at the café for their weekly table football match.

He rolls to the other side of the bed, kicking his backpack on the floor as he reaches for his phone on the nightstand. It’s already 15:32… he was supposed to be there at 15:00…

_“2 missed calls and 23 chat messages… fuck”_

He unlocks his phone, sits up and begins to read the group chat

14:30 - Marti: I got here a bit early. Anyone already close by?

14:32 – Luca: No, but I can be there in 10-15.

14:32 – Marti: Perfect, I’ll wait by the table football so we can use it after a group here is done. 

14:38 – Gio: We agreed to meet at 15:00!! I’m gonna leave my house now then, don’t start without me!

14:40 – Marti: We’ll start as soon as Luchino and Elia arrive then. Nico can take your place for the first few matches ;)

14:41 – Gio: Nooo

14:41 – Gio: I mean, Nico can play. But he should take your spot, not mine.

14:42 – Marti: Fuck you lol why?

14:42 – Gio: Because even Nico would agree you’ve not been the best at table football lately, right?

14:42 – Gio: Wait Nico is not in this chat lol he should be though, we hang out with him all the time, sometimes even without you Marti. I’m gonna add him.

14:42 – Marti: Wait, wait

14:43 – Marti: Before you add him, I just wanted to say thanks for always including him. I know it means a lot to him and to me as well.

14:43 – Gio: No problem Marti, he’s great and we will always support and include whomever anyone of us decide to date.

14:44 – Luca: I’m here! And no problem Marti, Nico’s the best. So I guess we have to add Silvia now too.

14:44 – Marti: First you need her to agree to date you Luchino! hahaha 

_Gio added Niccolo Fares to the chat_

14:44 – Gio: Hi Nico! You’re part of the chat because we decided you should take Marti’s place now that he’s the worst table football player out of all of us.

14:45 – Nico: Hahaha hi everyone! It makes more sense if I take your spot since you’re not here yet Gio.

14:46 – Gio: Again, we said at 15:00! I’m almost there, don’t start without me! And Elia is not there yet anyways.

15:02 – Gio: Elia where are you? Are you almost here?

15:05 – Gio: Elia we’re starting the match the 4 of us.

15:14 – Luca: Elia are you going to come? Or did you run into Laura outside the building and decided to ditch us to hang out with her instead? 

15:28 – Gio: Elia if you don’t come you’ll be banned from playing next week. I’m warning you.

As Elia finishes reading the group chat his eyes search for a pair of shoes in the mess of clothes he has on the floor. He grabs a pair and starts to put on his shoes as he texts the boys back.

15:36 –Elia: Sorry I was sleeping! I’m on my way now. I’ll be there as quickly as I can, don’t leave.

Elia changes his shirt and looks for his grey coat in the closet. He puts it on as he grabs his wallet, scarf and keys on the way out. He checks his phone for the bus schedule. If he’s lucky he might still make it in time to the bus stop a block from his apartment and take the one leaving in 3 minutes.

He puts his phone back in his pocket as he closes the door. His eyes are drawn across the hallway where Laura is outside her apartment searching for her keys with grocery bags on the floor. She notices his presence and looks his way while waving and gives him a shy smile. Elia waves and smiles back as he quickly turns around, faintly hearing Laura greeting her mom inside their apartment, as he walks down the stairs.

Right after New Years Eve he actively tried to get to know Laura better. It was going great at first: they talked about similar music tastes from the lobby to their floor and he made her laugh when she noticed they owned the same pairs of shoes. A week after their initial conversation, right when he was about to ask her out, she casually mentioned she had a boyfriend. It sucked but he understood she wasn’t available or interested so he backed off. Now they’re back to friendly short greetings in the hallway, which was fine too. Even though Elia found the existence of this boyfriend very frustrating, especially because it’s so hard to find someone he feels a genuine connection with, he took this as a sign that maybe this wasn’t a good time to pursue anything. Elia knows he will experience strong connections with many people in his life and that he should stop stressing about it. He made the conscious decision to focus on a fun single life and enjoy himself in the meantime. 

Adjusting his scarf, he exits the building feeling a cold breeze. He turns to his right and sees the bus door closing and makes a run for it. Unfortunately he’s not fast enough and the bus is already speeding up. He didn’t make it in time…

He reaches for the phone inside his coat, reads the time and sighs.

 _“15:41… shit the next bus won’t arrive for another 25 minutes. The boys will kill me.”_ He thinks to himself.

Elia knows he has two options now: either wait 25 minutes, ride the bus for 8 and walk an extra 4 to the café or he could start walking and reach the café in 35 minutes. Elia looks up at the sky for the first time since waking up and feels the sunlight in his face again. He sees a lovely clear sky, which feels amazing with the cold breeze you might expect in February. Two seconds of looking at the sky and Elia quickly decides to walk to his destination.

Looking at the map he contemplates the different routes he could take as he texts the boys to let them know he will arrive soon.

15:42 – Elia: Guys I missed the 15:40 bus, so I’ll walk there. I will get there in 35 minutes. Who’s winning the tournament?

15:43 – Luca: Not you

Elia laughs out loud at Luchino’s snarky remark

15:43 – Elia: Asshole lol are you guys going to leave soon though?

15:43 – Luchino: No, we were thinking of getting some drinks later. So don’t worry, we can all hang out when you get here.

This relaxed Elia. He’s been looking forward to spending some time with them for a while now. With classes starting again and his friend’s busy dating life, they haven’t seen each other as much as they used to. Elia would never tell his friends this, but he’s been feeling a little down. Lately it seems there’s nothing to come home to after school but homework and his parents constant fighting. They all have things to deal with so Elia doesn’t feel comfortable burdening his friends with his problems. He can handle keeping himself occupied alone; he even made a list of things he can do to as fun distractions.

While crossing the street he sees a park a few blocks away. He remembers he’s been meaning to spend some time at that park; it’s on his list. But the park isn’t really on the way to school or any of the places he usually visits. He looks up at the sky again, and decides it’s a nice day to take a longer route and walk on the sidewalk next to the park.

Elia is now standing at the side of the road waiting for the right moment to cross the street. He much rather walk next to the trees so he can look into the park. While he waits to cross, he notices how the sun manages to sneak in between the trees as the leaves move with the wind. He quickly finds the perfect opening between the moving cars and he makes a run for it.

 _“Shit, shit, shiiiit, shit”_  

Elia reaches the other side out of breath whilst the passing cars honk at him. He laughs it off and continues to walk, now next to the park. The park is full of life even if it’s cold. Like Elia, they’re all probably taking advantage of the clear sunny sky to be outside. On the other side of the street there’s cafes, restaurants and shops he hadn’t seen before. He makes a mental note to come back again and check them out properly when he’s finished with schoolwork and needs an excuse to leave his house. 

He’s really enjoying this walk and feels grateful he missed the bus. But he kinda regrets not bringing headphones. Sun in his face, cold winter breeze and exploring a new part of his neighborhood, all he’s missing is a good playlist maybe.

The playful yelling of a group of kids in the grass brings his attention back to the park. He decides its better to walk without music because he feels more aware of all the people enjoying themselves in this beautiful city. He looks ahead and he’s now three blocks away from the end of the park. But he’s not sure if he has to walk straight or turn right when he gets there. He unlocks his phone to double check the location of the café in the map when he jumps out of surprise after hearing someone yell out his name.

“Elia! Hi”

He follows the sound of the voice and he sees someone smiling at him, waving from the other side of the street.

It’s Filippo.


	3. The Weatherman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Already late to meet the boys, Elia ends up spending some time with Filippo at a nearby park.

Elia is standing on the sidewalk with the sun behind him. He’s next to the park, facing the other side of the street, staring at Filippo waving at him from the pedestrian crossing. He has a flashback to the Christmas party this past December: Elia from far away watching Filippo smiling so warmly, being his fun self. But this time Filippo is not looking at Martino, Ele or Eva, he’s smiling directly at Elia. Or is he?

 _“Maybe he’s waving at someone else.”_ Elia thinks as he freezes, not wanting to make a fool out of himself if in fact Filippo is actually waving at someone behind him.

The pedestrian light turns green. Filippo turns his head, looks at the stopping cars that allow him to cross the street. Elia takes advantage of Filippo finally looking elsewhere to quickly look behind him, double-checking if there’s someone else behind him. He just sees a woman with a dog walking by.

Elia turns around again, standing still as he watches Filippo run so carefree; magically not spilling the coffee he’s holding in his hand.

He abruptly stops in front of Elia.

“Hi Elia, how’s it going? It’s such a surprise to run into you here. I didn’t know you came here to walk as well.”

Elia must’ve looked shocked because Filippo laughed out loud while putting his hand on Elia’s shoulder. 

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m Filippo. Eleonora’s brother… Marti’s friend? I don’t think we were introduced before but Martino talks so much about his friends I feel like I know you all already. When I saw you standing here I instinctively called out your name forgetting you might not know who I am”

“I... mmm… I, I know who you are. You were at the Christmas party. I’m Elia” he awkwardly extended his hand towards Filippo. Elia feels ridiculous now, why does he act weird when he’s nervous?

Filippo chuckles, looking down at Elia’s hand. This makes Elia feel self-conscious.

 _“Is he laughing at me because I'm acting so weird?”_ He wonders, feeling like he’s starting to sweat now.

Filippo looks up at Elia smiling, shakes his hand and sips a bit of his coffee. “A handshake? How formal! And yeah I know you’re Elia, I called out your name remember. But I guess now we’re properly introduced.”

Elia awkwardly smiles looking at his shoes.

 _“Ugh…why am I acting this way?”_ he thinks. _“He’s probably going to find an excuse to leave now”._

But Filippo doesn’t move, he’s still there looking at Elia, waiting for him to say something. Noticing that Elia probably won’t talk, Filippo confidently speaks again:

“So you’re out walking just like me uh? Going anywhere in particular or just seeing where life takes you?”

Elia looks up, pointing at the phone in his hand he tells Filippo he’s meeting his friends shortly.

“I’m meeting Marti and the others for our weekly table football tournament. I missed the bus so I decided to walk there. I’m already late but I’ve been enjoying this walk so much I think they might not be there when I finally arrive”, Elia said flashing Filippo a smile, proud he muster the courage tell a small joke.

“Lets keep going then! If we stay here talking you’ll never get there. Do you mind if I walk with you? I’m not going anywhere in particular so I might as well join you till you get there.” Filippo asks.

Elia nods smiling and starts walking again, surprised of his lucky. Since first seeing Filippo back in December, he wanted to talk to him, and now that it’s finally happening, the last thing he wants is for the conversation to be cut short. He had no idea how to ask if Filippo wanted to walk with him, so he was grateful Filippo asked him first. He was still nervous but if Filippo suggested they walked together it meant things were going better than expected, so he felt himself relax a little bit more with each step they took. Filippo made everything seem so natural and his attitude was starting to rub off on him.

“So where is the café we’re going to Elia?” Filippo asks throwing his empty coffee cup in a nearby trashcan after a minute of walking in silence.

“Do you know that old bookstore close to my school that looks abandoned? Well it’s the café across the street from that” Elia replies, looking at the park.

They walk a few more steps in silence. Filippo is now looking in the same direction as Elia. “It’s a nice park right?” Filippo says.

“Yes! I’ve been meaning to come for a while but I haven’t had the time. And the weather hasn’t been this nice either” Elia now more relaxed is able to feel like his usual self again. “Do you visit this park often?”

“Actually I do” Filippo answers, pleasantly surprised to finally be asked a question. “I usually sit down in the grass or a bench though. But walking next to it has been fun so far.” 

“We can walk across that patch of grass if you want. I think it’s a good compromise” Elia jokes. 

Laughing Filippo replies, “Ok, lets do that then.”

He knows that Elia was just joking but he likes the idea of walking inside the park for a little bit. Elia feels Filippo grab his arm and he is now suddenly being dragged inside, towards a free bench nearby. 

“Can we sit down for one minute?” Filippo asks. “Besides if you came all this way because of the park you actually need to be in it for a moment at least, or it doesn’t really count.”

Elia can’t say no to Filippo, especially after finally looking at his beautiful smile from a short distance.

 _“I’m already late… what’s a few more minutes of my friends waiting for me to arrive.”_ He thinks.

The bench they chose is in the higher part of the park. From where they’re seating they can see down the pond where ducks swim in the summer. They sit in silence for a moment; Filippo looking at the pond and Elia looking down at his hands. After a minute in silence Filippo sighs, stretches out his legs and places his arms behind his head.

Elia turns to look at him and laughs. “Are you relaxed enough? Or are you going to take off your shoes now?”

“I might” Filippo daringly says raising his eyebrows at Elia.

“Is that what you usually come here to do then?” Elia quickly replies teasing him.

“Hahaha not really. I mean, I do come here and sit in a bench just like right now, but I mainly come to observe.” He says, looking at the pond again before quickly turning his head in Elia’s direction whilst adding, “Sometimes with my shoes on though.”

“Of course” Elia laughs, “what do you come here to observe?”

“Just people really. When I’m bored or I want to keep my mind off things I come here and make up people’s life stories” Filippo sits up, taps Elia’s arm before pointing at a man jogging to their right. “For example, look at him. Why do you think he comes here?” 

“To jog?” Elia replies, unsure of what answer Filippo is looking for.

“Yeah, we can assume that. But why this park though? Is it because he likes the route? Is it because it’s close to his home? Close to his work? Or maybe it’s far away from work? Or because he likes to buy a blueberry muffin from that bakery over there after his run?” Filippo wanted a more elaborate answer from what Elia could tell.

“How would I know that though?” Elia was beginning to think he might not understand how the game worked.

“We would only know if we ask him. But the fun of this game is to assume, to make up the story you find the most interesting” Filippo says grinning at Elia’s confused face. “I come here so often to do this, I like to think I’m good at figuring out stranger’s life stories”

“But you can’t really prove that though. Or do you actually go up to people and ask them questions afterwards?” Elia asks. “If you don’t ask them you might be deceiving yourself into thinking you’re good at this when you might not be.” He adds with a smirk on his face.

Filippo laughs, softly punching Elia’s arm. “Rude! But I guess you’re right. And if I’m honest, the few times I’ve been able to confirm my stories I’m usually wrong. But hey, I’m good at coming up with an interesting plot that keeps me entertained.”

“So you go up to strangers and ask them if what you think is true?” Elia asks surprised.

“Well I mean not really. I just find out stuff by having small talk with people sometimes” Filippo explains.

“For example, do you see that bench over there?” Filippo points down the park to a bench close to the pond. “The one under that tree. Well this past summer I would almost always see a woman in her 40’s there feeding the ducks. I made up this story in my mind that she lived in an apartment a block from here. That she’s recently divorced with no kids, adjusting to living by herself for the first time. That she was bored and liked to come her and feeds the ducks as a distraction. One day I was sitting at that bench and she showed up. She asked if we could share it and of course I said yes. She told me she liked this one in particular because it’s shaded and close to the pond. We talked for a few minutes. At first about the weather and then she told me that summer always reminds her of being a young girl at her grandparent’s farm playing with the animals. She just moved to this neighborhood from the countryside, with her husband and daughter, into a building with strict no pets policies. So being a huge animal lover herself she felt disappointed. And now she comes here after work a few times a week to feed the ducks because it reminds her of the farm and that makes her happy.”

“So, what you’re telling me is that you thought she was depressed and bored but she was actually happy?” Elia teases.

“Haha yeah, I guess I was just projecting my own boredom” he admitted giving Elia a small smile before looking down at his hands “Ele and I live alone and our parents hardly visit. After Ele left to the UK for some months last year the apartment felt emptier than usual. I mean, of course I have friends and I go out at night a lot, but sometimes everyone is so busy with university and life in general that we don’t have time to hang out. So I started to come here when I don’t know what to do with my free time during the day.”

Elia wasn’t exactly sure what to say. He remained quiet but his mind was racing with thoughts.

_“Do I share that I feel the same way sometimes too? Do I tell him that things with my parents are not great at the moment as well? That I also struggle to keep myself happy and occupied? What do I say to make him feel better?”_

They were both still silent, Filippo now rubbing his hands together. He’s looking down at them almost like he’s waiting for Elia to say something before he allows himself to look up. But Elia doesn’t know what to do. The only thing he knows for sure is that Filippo doesn’t seem exactly comfortable after sharing this with him so he decides it’s best to change the subject.

Elia looks around quickly as he thinks of that to say when he notices that a group of young kids are now sitting down, close to them in the grass. They’re eating and playing with each other while an adult watches them from a nearby bench. Elia nudges Filippo’s arm whilst pointing at the group of kids, which makes Filippo look up and stop rubbing his hands together.

“Since you come here so often and claim to be good at this game, what can you tell me about that group of kids?” Elia says daringly.

Filippo smiles, grateful Elia changed the subject. He sits up before squinting his eyes, getting serious whilst cracking his knuckles and stretching his arms as if he’s getting ready for a race. “Let me think, let me think.” Filippo says as Elia laughs.

“They’re friends from school” he begins. “But they live nearby so they see each other often. They come to this park to play after lunch but today they wanted to have a picnic here because it’s such a nice day out. I would say the boy with the red shirt and the one with the red shoes are best friends. And the girl gets along the most with the boy with the yellow coat. But look how yellow coat boy just gave red shoes an apple without them asking for one. It’s because he knows red shoes loves apples and probably wanted one just then. They all know each other so well they can assume what the others wants or needs. They seem like a close group that understands and supports each other, kinda like your group of friends. I mean, from what Martino has said about you.”

Elia feels himself blushing wondering what else Filippo knows about him from Martino’s stories.

“I have to ask Martino what he’s been saying because apparently you know a lot about us.” Elia nervously says.

“Well he just – “ Filippo is suddenly cut by the sound of Elia’s phone ringing. Elia takes his phone out and sees it’s Luca calling.

“Shit” Elia said getting up as he took the call.

“Elia where the hell are you?? Are you going to come or not? We are done playing and we’re on our way to the pub. I’m calling to let you know you should go directly there instead of coming to the café." 

He could hear the rest of the boys in the background talking and laughing together.

“Sorry Luchino, I didn’t mean to show up so late. What pub are you going to? I’ll meet you guys there right now” Elia feels bad for loosing track of time. He hasn’t enjoyed a conversation like the one he was having with Filippo in such a long time he even forgot his friends were waiting for him.

“We’re going to that new one we went to a weeks ago, the one with that cute waitress. You know which one? The brunette that was flirting with me and complimented my jacket” Elia couldn’t help but laugh out loud. It seems they remember the events of that night very differently. Elia almost started teasing Luchino about it but he let it go for now. He wants to hang up so he can explain what’s going on to Filippo.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know which one. I’m actually 4 blocks away from that pub. I’ll meet you guys there. Bye Luca” Elia quickly replies.

He sighs as he turns to Filippo. “It seems I lost track of time and they left the café already. But they’re going to a pub close by now. They were just leaving so they wont be here for at least 10 more minutes. Do you want to wait for them here or do you want to walk to the pub now?” Elia asks as he sits back down next to Filippo.

“I’m sorry, I feel it’s my fault you’re late. It’s ok, you can go meet them there, I think I’ll stay a bit longer and then I’ll head home.” Filippo says looking at the kids playing close by. “I already distracted you enough.” He smiles looking at Elia.

“Come with us. Martino will be happy to see you” Elia can’t find the courage to admit he would be happy if Filippo joins them too. He hopes the fact that Marti will be there is enough to convince him.

“No, no, it’s just going to be you guys. I don’t want to feel like I’m intruding” Filippo says as Elia is shaking his head hopping he could still change his mind. 

“You’re not intruding at all! Nico is going to be there, it’s not just us four, you know” Elia was not going to give up so easily. 

“Nico is already part of your group though.” Filippo says matter of factly. 

“That’s true” Elia admits as he laughs. “It was bound to happen since Marti never leaves his side. And Nico is great of course, we are happy he hangs out with us too.”

“Yeah, you guys have really integrated him into your own group dynamic. Marti is lucky to have such welcoming friends. I’m sure the same happened when you introduce them to whomever you’re dating.” Elia blushed at the mention of him dating someone.

“I’m single” Elia quickly says, trying to think of what else to say so the conversation doesn’t end.

“Well, well, maybe that will change if you meet someone at the pub tonight” Filippo teased, nudging Elia’s ribs with his elbow. “Speaking of the pub, you’re going to be late again if you don’t leave soon.” 

 _“But I don’t want to leave.”_ Elia thinks but not having the courage to say it out loud. _“Damn… how will I see him again now,”_ he wonders disappointed at his failed attempts to convince Filippo to join him. 

“Come on! Stand up! Let’s walk to the corner, you’ll go to the pub and I’ll head back.” Filippo says already standing, pulling Elia up by the wrists.

“Fine.” Elia begrudgingly stands up too.

They’re heading towards the sidewalk again. No one else at the park seems to be leaving. Elia can hear the group of kids behind them, still eating and playing on the grass. There’s a few couples walking and now a young family is seating down at the bench were they were a few seconds ago. The sun is hitting their backs, warming up their necks and casting their shadows in front of them. Elia walks looking at his feet trying to think of what else to say. He looks at Filippo, who’s walking next to him but looking back at the park, protecting his eyes from the sun with the palm of his hand.

“Ok, but if you don’t come you’ll miss the stories I’ll come up with of the people at the pub.” Elia said trying to convince Filippo one last time. 

Filippo turns his head to face Elia as he’s speaking. They’re now almost at the corner and Elia is slowing his pace down, trying to make the goodbye last as long as possible.

“Haha you can fill me in on those stories next time we meet up for another walk around here.” Filippo said looking straight ahead now. “I mean, now that we know we live close to each other and we both go out for walks when we’re bored. Only if you want to of course.”

“Yes, I do” he quickly replies, “Well I mean, I get bored too. So yeah, let’s do that when there’s nothing to do. It sounds fun! Not being bored, I meant walking in the park of course. Cuz the park has a lot of things to do. I saw cool cafes and shops around here. I like the park, especially when it’s sunny like today. But I think it must be nice when it’s not sunny as well. I mean it has comfortable benches and nice paths. That doesn’t really change if the sun is out or not. But it does change a bit if it’s raining. Maybe when it rains it’s not the best place to be because it doesn’t have a roof. You know, because it’s a park. But when it rains I’m sure people go inside the cafes and restaurants and then come out again once it stops. But I don’t really know because I don’t come here often. But I can look that up online later. But if it’s not raining it must be nice all year round. Although, after it rains the grass would be greener right? So maybe the best time to come is after it rains for at least 3 consecutive days. But I don’t think there’s a way of knowing when that will happen because rain can’t really be 100% predicted. Well nothing in nature I guess. Maybe tsunamis can be somewhat predicted because it can take a while for the wave to reach land. But again, with the park, the sun…“

Filippo mentioning they walk together some other time made Elia incredible nervous again and now he can’t stop babbling nonsense. What is he supposed to do now? How does he casually ask when Filippo wants to go for a walk again? Or was it more like an open invitation, like the ones that never really happen? What can he say or ask to figure that out? More importantly why can’t he just stop talking?

Filippo is grinning at Elia, looking amused at how he can’t seem to stop talking. Elia can tell Filippo has no intention of helping him out. He’s just waiting for Elia to finish his strange speech about how nice the park is and how difficult it is to work as a weatherman. Especially due to the hate they get from the public because they can’t guarantee that what they’re saying will for sure happen. 

Finally Elia just decides to shut up, stopping in mid sentence. Filippo laughs loudly and says, “So from your speech we’ve determined that you get bored, that I get bored, that you might like the park more than me but more importantly, that being a weatherman is a very difficult job. So how about you give me your number and next time we feel like going outside for a bit we can see if the other one wants to join. What do you think?”

“Yeah that sounds good.” Elia is now trying to act casual again. “Give me your phone and I’ll write my number down.”

Filippo had the phone already in his hand. He unlocks it, giving it to Elia, who nervously saves his contact information down.

“There you go, that’s my number.” Elia says giving Filippo the phone back.

“Great” Filippo said putting his phone inside his jacket. They reach the corner as the pedestrian light is turning green. Filippo starts walking faster and crosses the street with Elia close behind him.

“Well I have to go this way now” Filippo says tilting his head to the right. “Tell Marti I said hi. We’ll talk later, ok?”

“Yeah, yes. Ok bye Filippo.” Elia took his arm out of his pocket to shake his hand. Filippo with his hands inside his jacket is already turning to his right, starting to make his way back home but returns when he sees Elia stretching his hand out in his direction.

“Goodbye Elia” Filippo said looking at him straight in the eyes smiling. “A formal goodbye hand shake seems fitting,” he continues as they shook hands for a few seconds.

Elia nervously smiles and starts to walk towards the pub being annoyed at himself for acting so strange.

_“I was already fine at the park, why did I had to be so weird as we were saying goodbye?”_

At least Filippo has his number now though. Hopefully he would hear from him in the next few days.

Elia sees the pub coming up in the next block. He feels the calmness and nature sounds of the park disappearing behind him as the city sounds are getting louder the further he walks away from where they just said goodbye. He turns around and sees the park behind him and smiles.

As he looks straight ahead towards the pub he hears several notifications on his phone.

 _“Ugh, why are they so impatient. I’m almost there.”_ It’s probably from the boys who are wondering why he’s not there yet. He continues and a few minutes later he’s walking inside the pub when he hears a new notification.

_“Omg, I’m already here. Chill guys.”_

He looks around but can’t seem to recognize them in the crowd. Annoyed he takes his phone out of his pocket and reads the text messages. 

16:32 – Unknown: “Hey Elia, it’s Filippo! I didn’t give you my number so I’m texting so you can add me to your contacts too.

16:32 – Unknown: “I have to admit I changed your contact info though. You’re now saved as Elia “The Weatherman” Santini. I don’t think I need to explain why.” 

16:36 – Unknown: “By the way, I think I’m going to be bored tomorrow at 14:00 if you want to join me for a walk. Let me know if you’re planning on being bored around that time as well.”


	4. The Mess At Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia comes back home late after spending the day out. He goes from being happy about the great he's had to feeling anxious about possibly being in trouble with his strict father. The good memories he created with Filippo at the park help him relax, but they might not be enough to make him fall asleep tonight.

It’s 2:43 am in Rome. Elia is going home, now walking by the supermarket a block away from his apartment. It’s quite late and he’s tired, but his pace is slow. There’s no one else outside, so he walks alone on the sidewalk. His neighborhood is usually busy, filled with noise, but not tonight. There’s calmness in the atmosphere, maybe it’s because of the cold winter breeze or it’s the corner street lamp softly illuminating the concrete. Elia can’t pin point why, but he’s finding comfort in this silence.

He turns the corner, getting close to his building now. He walks next to his neighbor’s garden, running his fingers on the metal fence that separates it from the sidewalk. Moving his hand up and down the bars, he feels his fingers getting cold from the metal. Elia stops once he finally reaches his building and opens the door.

It’s warm inside. Elia takes off his scarf and stuffs it inside his coat as he walks towards the staircase. It was silent outside, but the lack of sound feels more intense now that Elia is inside the building. Aware that everyone is probably sleeping, he quietly starts to walk up the stairs. If he makes a sound someone could wake up. He wishes he didn’t have to be so quiet though. Elia feels like singing and dancing after such a great day. It has probably been the best twelve hours he’s had in a while.

Friday afternoon had a rocky start but Elia’s day got better and better by the minute. What started as him rushing to leave his house, late to meet his friends, ended up in him spending time with Filippo at the park and having a great night out with his friends afterwards.

 _“Filippo! Out of everyone I could’ve run into… What are the chances of him being across the street from me.”_ He grins as he walks up the stairs, finally reaching his floor.

Using the railing as support, Elia begins to take off his shoes. He walks in his socks towards his apartment door, being as quiet as possible. Now in front of his door, he grabs both shoes with one hand as he searches for his keys. He finds them in his jeans and slowly opens the door. The old wooden door creaks softly as he tip toes inside. He puts down his shoes closing the door behind him. Finally inside of his apartment, Elia leans back on the door as he stares down the hallway to his room. If the apartment wasn’t completely dark, anyone could see Elia smiling from ear to ear thinking of his day. Just twelve hours ago he was standing in this exact same place, wearing the same clothes, having the same amount of schoolwork to finish during the weekend, but things feel different now. Elia feels different.

 _“I really needed a night like this.”_ He thinks, as he turns around to hang his coat and scarf by the door.

The apartment is pitch black, making it difficult to see where to go; at least it would be for anyone but Elia. This is not the first time he’s had to walk back to his room in complete darkness. The moonlight coming in from the living room windows is his only guide. He reaches the end of the hallway, extending out his hand to open the bedroom door. He can’t find the door handle though. Giving up after a few seconds of searching he takes out his phone and aims the screen at the door. The door is already open, that’s why he couldn’t find the handle. 

 _“Oh, I must’ve left it open when I left in such a hurry… shit. My room is a complete mess. I hope my dad didn’t notice. I really don’t want any trouble tomorrow.”_ He thinks worried about what his dad is going to say.

Elia’s dad is as strict as they come, maybe worse than most parents. There are so many rules at Elia’s house, and they change so often, he wouldn’t be able to list them all.

Rule 1: Always keep the windows closed.

Rule 3: Don’t touch or move dad’s things.

Rule 8: Dinner will never be served after 21:00 hrs.

Rule 15: Dirty clothes should immediately be placed in the laundry basket.

Rule 36: Elia’s backpack should never be anywhere in the apartment but in Elia’s room. 

It’s too much to handle sometimes. Not only does Elia feel the pressure to perform well at school, he’s also expected to be the perfect son at home, or at least act like one. He has to; his dad won’t allow anything less from him. It wasn’t as bad when Elia’s sister still lived with them. Their father’s attention and anger was split between them, but things are different since Guilia left. She didn’t wait more than half a second after finishing high school before moving to Milan. Now Elia feels he has a magnifying glass following him around, making sure he’s dad sees his every move, his every mistake. It’s too much.

 _“He probably saw the mess. I’m in so much trouble.”_ He thinks, suddenly feeling completely defeated.

Elia is still standing by the door, staring straight ahead. He’s trying to keep his mind blank but he can feel anxiety creeping up on him. He knows he won’t be able to go to sleep easily now. The sound of a car driving outside his bedroom window brings him back to reality.

 _“I need to clean this up”,_ Elia thinks as he closes the door and turns on the light.

Now feeling worried and anxious, he takes a deep breath as he begins to tidy his room. He starts by picking up all the clothes spread across his floor, piling them on the bed so he can sort them later. Without the clothes covering every inch of the wooden floor, he starts collecting his shoes. One pair at a time, Elia puts them back in the closet. The room is already looking cleaner, which motives him to keep going even though he’s extremely tired. Elia picks up all the paper and books that were spread across the floor, neatly stacking them on his desk. He finishes by grabbing the trashcan and throwing away all the empty plastic bottles by the window.

 _“Ok, now clothes”,_ he softly whispers to himself. With his laundry basket next to him, he begins to sort through the pile of clothes on his bed. Elia’s now quickly placing the dirty items in the basket and hanging the rest in this closet. Twenty minutes later he’s done. Exhausted but done. 

He looks around his room, it looks spotless. There’s no way someone could tell that twenty minutes ago this same room was an utter mess. His shoulders feel tense after all this cleaning though. Elia feels satisfied with the current state of the room, but he’s still worried about what his dad might say. He tries to shake off the anxiousness by taking off his clothes and getting ready for bed. Before folding his jeans, he empties out the pockets. Elia pulls out his phone and a small white pebble. He gently throws them by his pillow, folds his jeans and turns off the light as he sits down on the edge of the bed. 

A few hours ago, around 19:30, Elia and the contrabbandieri left the first pub. They decided to walk to another one just eight blocks away. This new pub happened to be across the park where Elia had been at earlier that day. Luca proposed a shortcut through the park, coincidentally right by the bench where Elia sat down with Filippo. One minute after entering the park Elia saw it. There it was, right under the lamppost on the right side of the path. Elia slowed down as they approached the bench, letting the boys get ahead. He looked at it, staring at how the lamppost’s yellow light illuminated the worn wooden seat. Maybe it was the lighting, or the recent memories Elia had of this place, but that specific spot in the park felt warm and inviting despite the cold winter night.

“Elia! What are you doing? Hurry up, come on!” Lucchino yells from up ahead, snapping Elia back to the present.

“Yeah, yeah sorry! I just have to tie my shoelaces”, Elia kneeled down pretending to tie his shoes. He looked down at the ground whilst exhaling, seeing his breath due to the cold. Right in the space between the path and the grass, he saw a round white pebble next to the bench. Without really thinking why, he instinctively grabbed it and put it in his pocket before sprinting towards the boys who are walking up ahead. Luca turned around when he hears Elia’s footsteps, putting his arm around Elia’s shoulder when he caught up with the rest.

“Why did you stop back there? Are you planning on being late to this pub too?” Luchino said teasing Elia about making them wait for him at the café earlier that day.

“Ha. Ha. You’re the one who’s going to be late if you can’t keep up with me”. Elia replies, speeding up past the rest of the boys.

“What, wait no, I’ll beat you”, Luchino yelled whilst laughing.

The rest looked back at Luchino, noticing their walk just became a race. Nico grabbed Marti’s hand and began to run behind Elia. Gio was the last one to notice but quickly caught up leaving Marti and Nico behind. 

Elia was the first one at the corner. Panting and catching his breath, Elia he looked back at the boys running towards him. First Luchino, then Gio. Marti and Nico are still holding hands, laughing looking at each other as they finally arrive. Elia is standing with his hands inside his coat, smiling at them whilst holding the pebble inside his pocket. 

But it’s not until 3:18 am when Elia would hold the pebble again. He’s sitting down by the edge of the bed, looking down at it in his hand. He’s doesn’t feel like smiling now though. He grabs his phone and puts it on the nightstand. Rubbing his feet on the wooden floor, Elia looks up at the window and stares at the trees outside his building. He breathes in and out for a few minutes, focusing on one branch in particular. This always helps him relax faster. Little by little, he’s feeling a little bit calmer so he lies down on the bed.

The open curtains allow the moonlight in. Elia’s eyes slowly adjust to the darkness. He stares at the ceiling, watching the shadows from the trees create moving patterns inside his room. Feeling better he puts the pebble on his chest whilst reaching for his phone in the nightstand. Elia grabs the phone with both hands and unlocks it. It opens to Filippo’s texts messages. The same text messages he’s been reading over and over the whole night.

16:32 – Filippo: “Hey Elia, it’s Filippo! I didn’t give you my number so I’m texting so you can add me to your contacts too.”

16:32 – Filippo: “I have to admit I changed your contact info though. You’re now saved as Elia “The Weatherman” Santini. I don’t think I need to explain why." 

16:36 – Filippo: “By the way, I think I’m going to be bored tomorrow at 14:00 if you want to join me for a walk. Let me know if you’re planning on being bored around that time as well.” 

16:44 – Elia: “It’s Mr. Weatherman for you.”

16:55 – Filippo: “Oh I’m sorry, I keep forgetting you’re a formal guy. I’ll remember to call you that next time I shake your hand.”

16:57 – Elia: “Oh, and I forgot to tell you. I will be bored tomorrow at 14:00. So I’ll text you tomorrow so we can walk around for a bit.” 

17:30 – Filippo: “:)”

Elia re-reads the conversation for the eight time before putting the phone down next to him on the bed. He grabs the pebble and plays with it, staring again at the ceiling. The pebble is soft, apart from a small crease that feels rough when he runs his fingers on it. The shadows on the ceiling move softly with the sound of the wind outside. For the first time since lying on the bed he stops trying to keep his mind blank. Whilst holding the pebble, he allows himself to remember this past afternoon. He quietly laughs at the face he imagines he made when Filippo yelled out his name from across the street. He smiles remembering how it felt to be pulled up by the wrists from the bench when Filippo insisted they leave now or Elia would be late again.

Elia lies on the bed smiling for a minute before letting out a deep breath. He can feel his body relaxing by the second. With the small amount of energy he has left, he turns around to put the pebble and phone on the nightstand. 

He gets inside the covers and closes his eyes. The bed feels warm and the sound of the wind outside his window is making him feel more at ease. He wishes that tomorrow would be as good as today. Elia really wants to be optimistic but there’s a feeling on the back of his mind he still can’t shake off.

He ignores the feeling, breathing in and out as he starts to fall asleep. His anxiety is now decreasing with each breath as he dozes off.


	5. Padua

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia wakes up to the news that his father saw the mess in his room and he's not happy about it. Feeling crappy now, Elia is not sure if he should re schedule his plans with Filippo.

The sound of a honking car outside his window wakes Elia up. Elia rubs his eyes slowly, looking at the direction where the noise came from. He yawns as he stretches his arms and legs. Turning around, Elia reaches for his phone to check the time: 10:27 am. He went to bed around 03:30 in the morning after a long day out and seven hours of sleep don’t feel like enough. He lifts up his head and as he looks around he remembers that he stayed up cleaning his room last night, worried he might be in trouble with his dad because of how messy it was. The thought of his father seeing the mess he left when he went out is enough to wake him up completely. Elia accepts he won’t be able to go back to sleep unless he knows for sure if he’s in trouble. But first he needs to get out of bed to find that out. The bed feels warm and comfortable, getting out of bed won’t be an easy task. Elia takes one leg out of the covers and touches the floor with his foot.

 _“One leg at a time”,_ he whispers under his breath as he sits up groaning. With his elbows on his knees, he lowers his head and rests it on his hands. He needs coffee.

Elia finds his socks on the floor next to the bed. He always takes them off whilst sleeping but then he feels cold in the morning. He puts them on and stands up to looks for his grey hoodie. He finds it neatly folded inside his closet. He grabs it and puts it on as he’s walking out of his bedroom door.

The living room is empty but he can hear someone’s in the kitchen. Guilia is in Milan, his mom moved to Naples after the divorce, so of course that someone is his father. He takes a deep breath, and nervously enters the kitchen.

Elia’s father is standing by the stove reading the newspaper with a piece of toast in his hand. He looks up when he hears Elia walking in.

“Good morning” Elia greets his dad with a soft smile.

“Good morning Elia” his dad replies. “You’re up late. At what time did you arrive yesterday?”

Elia is not allowed to be outside late into the night. Usually when he goes out dancing or drinking with his friends he stays over at someone else’s house so his father doesn’t notice.

“I went out in the afternoon to play table football at the café with Luca and the others. And afterwards we went out for dinner” Elia explains, not really answering his dad’s question. He hopes his response is good enough. “Do you want coffee dad? I’m going to make myself one.” Elia offers, trying to change the subject.

His dad doesn’t reply immediately, he just stares at Elia.

“Café, table football and dinner sounds like a lot of plans to fill up free time that could’ve been spent cleaning up your room” Elia’s father finally says.

 _“Shit”_ Elia is definitely worried now. 

His father puts the newspaper down and starts walking to Elia’s room. Elia follows close behind, waiting to see what will happen. Elia’s dad swings the door open, expecting to see the mess he saw yesterday. 

“But- you cleaned your room after you knew I saw the mess!” Elia’s dad accuses him angrily. “Are you trying to make act like a fool? Is it funny to you that I scold you, trying to teach you a lesson, and you don’t tell me the room is already clean? Were you laughing inside waiting for me to realize my mistake?” It’s impossible for Elia to win with him.

“No, not at all dad. I just didn’t want to interrupt you because I know you don’t like it when I do.” Elia explains. “Yes, you’re right. I left in a hurry because I was late to meet the boys. The room was messy then, but I cleaned it as soon as I got back, as you can see. I’ve been so busy with school starting again that I was a bit behind with my chores. But I’m caught up now. I’m sorry.”

“Excuses! They’re all excuses to me. You need to be more responsible, you’re not a kid anymore Elia.” Elia’s dad storms off.

Elia stands by the door stunned. It feels like there’s nothing he can do to please his dad. He quietly closes his bedroom door and walks slowly to his bed. He feels tired, sad, but especially, he feels alone.

Three years ago, after his parent’s divorce, his mom had to go back to work. She found a job with a friend down in Naples. His parents decided it was best if Guilia and Elia stayed in Rome with their dad. A divorce is a big change by itself; they didn’t want them to change city, school and friends too. So in the end, his mom moved south and they stayed in Rome. His father has been miserable ever since and takes it out on Elia. 

Elia collapses on the bed, wishing his mom was there with him. She’s always been more caring and understanding than his father. Why did she leave him there?!

Elia is getting frustrated and angry now. He’s making an effort with his schoolwork, he cleans around the house even without being asked to, he cooks dinner and leaves coffee for his dad when he wakes up first, he’s polite and is always making sure his dad is not disturbed after he comes home from work. Fuck, he even cleaned his room at 3:30 am last night so his dad would be happy! Why even bother to be a good kid when his father never acknowledges all of his efforts!

Elia takes off his hoodie, angrily tossing it across the room. It lands on his desk knocking down a few books. Elia throws himself back on the bed, tears coming down his cheeks out of pure frustration. He’s breathing heavily, lying on his stomach, with his face buried in the pillows.

 _“Calm down.”_ Elia tells himself as he lifts his head from the pillow that just muffled a scream. He lies on his back, making an effort to control his breathing.

Elia grabs his phone to play some music that might help him relax. He unlocks it and sees it’s almost 11:00 am now. No wonder his stomach is growling, it’s almost noon and he hasn’t eaten. But he can’t go out of his room yet; he’s dad will see he’s upset and Elia doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction. He turns to his side and thinks of a song to calm him. Grabbing his headphones he clicks on Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, a song that always reminds him of his mother. She’s the biggest Stevie Nicks fan that he knows. When Guilia and him were younger she would always sing it to them. 

Elia is now in a fetal position in bed, his eyes red from the tears still rolling down his face. He caught his reflection on his phone’s screen; he looks like a mess. It’s a good thing it’s Sunday and he can stay in.

 _“Oh shit. I can’t stay in today, I made plans with Filippo at 14:00”,_ he suddenly remembers. _“Fuck I don’t want him to see me like this. Why is all of this happening today?”_

Elia lies on his back thinking of what he should do. He checks the time again; it’s 11:12. They’re supposed to meet in almost three hours. His dad will probably leave around 12:30 to buy next week’s groceries. So Elia can prepare himself something to eat at that time, then shower, change and walk to the park. He could make it if he hurries but right now he feels so exhausted and sad he’s pessimistic about the whole situation.

_“So let’s say I do get there in time, I feel like shit and that probably won’t change today. I’m going to give him a bad impression and he won’t want to hang out with me ever again. Who would want to be around me when I’m down like this? Why should I even bother going? Filippo probably thinks I’m an awkward, sad teenager anyway. I’m going to cancel”_

Elia opens his messages, clicks on Filippo’s conversation and starts typing. 

“Hi Filippo, I’m sorry but as it turns out I already had plans today at 14:00. I forgot I’m supposed to help – “ he types as he notices Filippo is typing at the same time. 

 _“Shit, what do I do”,_ Elia panics not knowing what to do now. _“I can’t go if I’m feeling like this. I need to send him the text quickly so he doesn’t text me something about our plans and I feel worse about canceling them”_

11:18 – Filippo: “Hi Elia!” 

 _“Shit, he’s fast. I better hurry.”_ Elia quickly finishes the text message, exhaling before pressing send. Filippo is still texting. 

11:18 – Elia: “Hi Filippo, I’m texting to apologize. As it turns out I already have plans today at 14:00. I forgot I’m supposed to help my dad with something around the apartment. Can we maybe re-schedule for tomorrow?”

Filippo texting bubble disappears. Elia stares at his phone anxiously waiting for his response.

11:19 – Filippo: “Oh”

Elia’s heart sinks as he reads the short reply. He’s sure he fucked this up now. 

11:20 – Filippo: “That sucks, I just came back from seeing some friends and we walked by the park. I was texting to tell you I was excited because I saw new people there we could make stories of.” 

11:20 – Filippo: “But it’s ok really. We can hang out another day.”

11:20 – Elia: “Tomorrow? I’ll bring you coffee to make up for canceling.”

11:21 – Filippo: “I can’t tomorrow… I’m actually going to Padua to visit my mom for the next few days.” 

11:22 – Elia: “Oh too bad. But that’s nice, my mom grew up in Padua. My grandmother still lives there.”

11:22 – Filippo: “What a coincidence. So I guess we’ll hang out when I get back.”

11:22 – Elia: “Yes, of course. Let’s do that.”

There’s no texting bubble anymore. Elia wonders if the conversation is over… Filippo probably lost interest. Elia sits up on the bed, with the phone is his hands looking out the window. He can’t help but feel even sadder now. He’s ruined this.

His phone screen lights up, so Elia look down. It’s a new message.

11:25 – Filippo: “So you’ve been to Padua before? Is there anything you think I might like to see there?”

11:25 – Elia: “I don’t know. I haven’t been in a while. Also, we mainly just spent the time at my grandmother’s house playing around her neighborhood.”

Elia tries to think of something else to tell Filippo. If he recommends a place they can carry on talking about it. Unfortunately, Elia can’t remember much about Padua, he was just a kid when he last went there. He only remembers his grandmother’s house, Guilia cooking with their mom in the kitchen and the lady who sold them ice cream down across the street. 

Elia smiles with a sadness in his eyes as he thinks of his mom, sister and their memories from the summers in Padua. 

11:26 – Elia: “I’m sure your mom has an itinerary planned for you, but if you get bored you can visit my grandmother. She knows a woman who makes the best gelatos in town.” 

11:27 – Filippo: “I don’t know if I would like a gelato in the winter. But if I run into your grandmother in the street I’ll say hi!”

Even this casual conversation is getting to Elia. It’s all too much today. He remembers his grandmother’s hugs, and how she always had extra cheese for him. He wishes he didn’t feel so alone at home all the time. Elia lies back down on the bed, turning to his side looking at the text messages. 

Filippo is texting again. 

11:29 – Filippo: “Well, ok then Elia. I’m going to cook something for lunch, I’ll go out for a walk and then I’ll pack for my trip.”

11:29 – Elia: “Ok, sounds good. Have fun”

11:30 – Filippo: “Have a great Sunday Elia”

Elia sighs closing his eyes. A single tear falls down his cheek leaving a wet spot on the pillow.

11:31 – Elia: “:)”


	6. The Train

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drained after his fight with his dad, Elia decides it's time to focus and get back on track.

Sundays are usually days to sleep, days to relax. Last Sunday was nothing like that for Elia, he went to bed feeling drained. The past weekend was a rollercoaster of emotions: the highs of Saturday’s walk in the park and the pub with the boys, to the lows of the fight with his dad and his cancelled plans with Filippo.

Sunday morning was especially terrible. After lunch he was able to compose himself and ponder on his life. After a much needed introspection time he came up with a plan to work on things he wanted to improve. The first thing on his list is his schoolwork, so Sunday afternoon was spent looking at his Biology notes.

Elia has been falling behind at school and he needs to get back on track. Normally he’s able to handle the workload but lately there’s been too much on his mind. Sometimes you have so much to do, so much to think about that it all feels so incredibly overwhelming. It’s all too much that you don’t know where to being and you end up not doing anything at all. This is what’s been happening to Elia. School feels like so much work, and things are home are not necessarily manageable all the time. It’s all too much.

 _“Enough was enough,”_ he told himself seating down at his desk with all his books spread over the table. _“I’m capable of managing school and I’m capable of dealing with dad’s bullshit.”_

After lunch Elia started to plan a tight schedule to get back on track and by bedtime he had it written on his notebook. Feeling exhausted but focused, Elia went to sleep.

So there he was, coffee in hand, walking next to the school’s fence ready to take on another Monday morning. He woke up earlier than usual so he could be at school 30 minutes before the first bell.

First on his list was to solve the questions he had about the important biology exam he has this Wednesday. The reason why he’s at school at 8:00 am is because he plans to ask his teacher all of the questions he has about the exam before his first class. He’s unclear on what’s going to be covered and he needs to know so he can spend the next couple of days studying. 

He waits whilst resting on the brick wall by the entrance. Elia is so focused trying to spot his teacher in the crowd that he jumps slightly when he hears is phone’s notification. He takes out his phone and looks at the screen. It’s Filippo, he sent Elia a picture. Elia opens the chat to a photo of Filippo seating down in the train, probably waiting for it to depart. In the photograph Elia can see half of Filippo’s face and an empty seat next to him, by the window. More texts start to come in now.

8:15 – Filippo: “Elia. Look.”

8:15 – Filippo: “Whomever has the seat next to mine in the train is either late or decided to stay in Rome.”

8:15 – Filippo: “I think it’s your grandmother on her way back to Padua. She probably didn’t tell you she was in Rome because she was here visiting a secret lover.”

Elia chuckles at the last text message. He looks up as he thinks what to reply when he notices his biology teacher walking towards the door. Elia grabs his backpack, takes out his notes as puts his phone inside as he hears more incoming messages. He walks towards his teacher with his notes and questions in his hands. Elia asks the teacher if he has time to answer some questions. The teacher is pleasantly surprised Elia is genuinely invested in understanding, so he agrees to help him out. Elia attentively listens to his teacher, taking notes of any useful information he might need later. Before they know it the bell rings, so Elia quickly thanks him and runs to his first class.

Elia was so invested in paying attention in class that he forgot about the unread text messages in his phone, buried deep inside his backpack. He remembers at noon as he sits down at the cafeteria, with a coffee and a small sandwich in his hand. Elia searches inside the backpack, takes out his phone and begins to read the chat.

8:19 – Filippo: “I guess your grandmother missed the train. The seat next to mine is empty. No offense to your grandma, but I prefer to have the two seats for myself. So I’m not mad she decided to stay longer in Rome.”

8:22 – Filippo: “There’s a couple of kids two rows in front of me being so loud. They won’t shut up about some boring gossip from school."

Elia scrolls down to a picture of two heads sticking up from train seats in front of Filippo.

8:23 – Filippo: “That’s them! They’re getting on my nerves.”

8:25 – Filippo: “I was going to make up stories about them, but they talk so much it feels like I already know their whole lives. But look at this woman, wait, I’ll send you a pic. She’s for sure more annoyed at them that I am lol. I mean, it’s not even 8:30 in the morning yet… These kids should let everyone wake up properly before going on about a classmate who lied about having 3 dogs. 

Elia opens the picture attached. He sees a woman in her thirties looking incredibly annoyed. He swipes to another picture. It’s a selfie of Filippo recreating the woman’s exact face. Elia laughs at loud.

8:28 – Filippo: “As you can tell I’m bored haha.”

10:05 – Filippo: “So, I’ve been observing people in the train. I’ll share with you what I’ve found out in the last 30 minutes”

Elia scrolls down quickly at the chat. Filippo sent a bunch of pictures, each one with it’s own caption. Elia smiles and begins to open them one by one.

First, Elia see a photograph of a two year old holding a cookie seating on their dad’s lap a few rows behind Filippo. 

10:12 – Filippo: “That baby had a twin, but they ate them inside their mom’s belly.”

 _“Omg haha,”_ Elia tries hard not to laugh loudly at this last text.

Next is another picture of the woman from before.

10:19 – Filippo: “I figured it out. Those loud kids are not the only reason why she’s in such a sour mood. She’s actually from Padua but was visiting Rome for the weekend. She lived in Rome for a few years and hasn’t been back since she left. She met up with her ex yesterday for a coffee but she now regrets it. She stayed up last night wondering why she even came to Rome in the first place.”

Elia swipes to look at the next picture.

 _“It’s blurry”,_ Elia notices. _“I think this was taken from the train window as it was moving.”_

From what Elia can tell, it’s a photo of a small town on the way to Padua. There’s a metal fence separating the train tracks from the street. Behind that he sees a row of houses. Nothing particularly special about them really, they’re plain white houses.

10:32 – Filippo: “It’s difficult to tell because of the crappy quality but, do you see the house next to the small tree? There was a man standing right outside that house. He is an accountant who recently moved back to this town. He grew up here but moved away when he turned 18. After living in Bologna for the last 20 years he decided to come back. Everyone he knew is no longer living here but he’s happy about this change of scenery. It feels right to get away from the big city and tart fresh somewhere small and familiar. Also, since moving back he decided he now hates cats.”

 _“He’s at the train station now,”_ Elia realizes after seeing the next picture.

It was clearly taken outside the train. There’s a large crowd of people inside what appears to be Padua’s station. There’s a couple hugging next to the bathroom’s door, there a woman with a young girl walking close to them, a few people seating down on the benches and a large crowd in the background.

11:06 – Filippo: “Do you see that woman looking at her phone on the bench? She’s been here waiting for almost an hour. She’s frowning because she left work to pick someone up but they haven’t showed up yet. Work has been extremely busy lately so taking the time to come here is a big deal for her. She can’t really waste anymore time. She just sent a text saying she has to leave in 15 minutes.”

Elia laughs at the description. Even if the woman is far away, you can tell she’s very annoyed to be there. Elia swipes to see the next picture. It’s a selfie of Filippo with that same woman standing behind him. She’s distracted, looking to her left whilst Filippo is in front of her with a big grin on his face

11:11 – Filippo: “Ok, so I cheated with that last one. The annoyed woman is my mom.”

Elia laughs at loud. He grins as he lays back on the chair, thinking of what to reply to Filippo. He puts the phone down on the table and takes a sip of coffee. The same coffee that is now getting cold after he spent the past 10 minutes reading Filippo’s texts.

He takes a sip, puts the coffee down and sighs, still not being able to stop smiling. Elia was sure Filippo would loose interest after he cancelled their plans to hang out on Sunday. Well, if someone were to cancel plans Elia would think they were not interested, so he thought Filippo would assume the same thing. Interested in what though? Interested in a friendship? Interested in casually hanging out? Interested in dating? How does one begin to answer this? Elia has no clue what Filippo would answer to this question. Heck, Elia is unsure of what his answer is too. What he’s sure of is that he’s drawn to Filippo. Maybe hang out more so he can be able to figure out what he wants.

The question still remained though. What do one answers to so many texts. Should Elia comment on each one?

 _“No, no. I would have to send him a five page long essay. There’s so many texts,”_ he decides.

So what should he do then? Just a casual “haha you’re funny” kinda response? Of course not, it would seem like he doesn’t want to keep the conversation going. Would the response be any different depending on Elia’s intentions? Maybe this is a good opportunity to test the waters with Filippo. After having a pretty good morning Elia feels confident enough to do this. What should he text then? He can’t possibly write: “Funny texts, I enjoyed reading them. I don’t know if you noticed but I feel drawn to you ever since I saw you at the Christmas party. I want to get to know you better, so would you like to spend some time with me when you get back?”

 _“For sure I can’t send that exact text or Filippo will think I’m too intense. I don’t know… I guess I could write something along those lines though,”_ Elia thinks as he takes another sip of coffee. Taking a deep breath Elia begins to type.

“Hahaha it looks like you were bored! I’m not convinced with the stories about the people on the train though. I think I would do a better job. Also, you’re wrong, my grandmother didn’t miss the train. She was in Rome with a secret lover so she had to disguise herself. She was seating close by but you didn’t even notice. This might come as a shock, but do you remember the baby a few rows behind you, the one that ate its twin? Well, that was my grandmother.”

 _“Ugh, is this joke too weird? Maybe he won’t find it funny.”_ Elia is unsure again of the text as he reads it over before sending it. “Also, I give no clear indication I’m interested in hanging out. Screw this, I’m going to take a chance with that joke and just add something at the end of the text. Maybe I should compliment him on something and see how he responds… ugh, I don’t know.”

“- You look nice in that selfie with you mom.” Elia types, now unsure of the whole text. He puts his phone on the table and crouches over it, his face centimeters away from the phone.

 _“I can’t say this… it makes no sense to go from me joking about that baby being my grandmother to complimenting him about the selfie he sent. It’s just a weird transition.”_ He thinks annoyed as he’s deletes the last sentence.

 _“Ok Elia. What do you really want to say? Let’s think this through.”_ Elia needs to figure out what he wants to achieve with his response. _“Ugh maybe I’m over thinking all of this. I should send the original message and get this over with. I can’t expect so much out of one single text message. I should add something that implies I still want to hang out when he’s back though.”_

He exhales and begins to type again. After he’s done he reads it again to double check he got the message across in the text but gives up in the middle of it. _“Fuck it, I’ll just send it.”_

12:36 – Elia: “Hahaha it looks like you were bored! I’m not convinced with the stories about the people on the train though. I think I would do a better job and I’ll prove it next time we hang out in the park. Also, you’re wrong, my grandmother didn’t miss the train. She was in Rome with a secret lover so she had to disguise herself. She was seating close by but you didn’t even notice. This might come as a shock, but do you remember the baby a few rows behind you, the one that ate its twin? Well, that was my grandmother.”

There, it’s sent. Elia puts his phone back on the table and finishes his coffee. He has a few more minutes to spare before he has to go to his last class. Lying back on the chair he feels proud of himself. Sunday was a rough day for him, but it helped him think things through and get back on track with school and life in general. Getting into an argument with his dad was not ideal but it made him snap out of the rut he was in. Now his room is neatly organized, he has a clear plan to catch up with school and to his surprise, Filippo still seems interested in hanging out with him.

Elia looks around the cafeteria. He sees people studying, others talking with friends, some laughing. He breathes in and out, just observing, his mind in blank. For the first time in weeks Elia honestly feels like he can truly relax.

 


	7. Family Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a surprising conversation with his dad in the morning, Elia takes the bus to school. Some early morning texts from Filippo make him realize they have more in common than he originally thought.

Monday was a breath of fresh air. Focused and ready to take on anything, Elia had walked to school feeling like this was the start of a new beginning. This just increased as the week progressed. On Monday morning he solved all the questions he had about his biology exam, at noon he texted for a bit with Filippo, in the afternoon he managed to collect everything he needs to catch up on his schoolwork and at night, by the time he went to bed, he had already studied 80% of what was going to be covered in the exam. 

Elia woke up on Tuesday feeling extremely accomplished. It was still winter in Rome, but the sun coming in from the window in the morning feels warmer. Elia gets out of bed, picking out his outfit from the closet before neatly putting it on his desk. He could really use a hot shower to wake up this morning. Today is the last day to study before the big Biology exam and there’s still new material Elia hasn’t even read yet. He needs all the hot showers and cups of coffee he can.

A hot shower and 10 minutes later, Elia is walking out of the bathroom drying himself. He quickly puts his clothes on, grabs his backpack from his desk and walks out of his room.

“I’ll just grab something to eat quickly and I’ll be on my way to school” Elia is craving some bread and coffee.

He opens the kitchen door and the first thing he sees is his father seating down at the table. There’s a basket with fresh bread, some fruit and two cups of coffee in front of him. Elia’s father looks up when he feels someone standing at the door.

“Elia! You’re up”, Elia’s dad smiles at him. “I bought some bread and made fresh coffee. Do you want some?”

“Uh… yes, thank you dad”, Elia sits down as his father slides a cup in front of him.

“Listen… I’ve been meaning to talk to you” his dad says as Elia sips on his coffee. “I want you to know I’ve been thinking a lot about, well… about everything really.”

Elia takes a deep breath and wonders what his dad is talking about.

“On Sunday I heard you crying in your room after I yelled at you. I didn’t mean for you to be upset. It’s so hard you know. Being a single dad it’s… I don’t know, with work, bills, knowing how to raise you and your sister. Being a father didn’t come with a manual, and I know it’s just an excuse… it’s just sometimes I don’t know how strict I should be, how tough I should be. You know I was always the serious one, you’re mother was more calm. But she’s not here; she left us all here in Rome… I, I just… I just want you and Giulia to grow up to be responsible, independent adults and sometimes I feel like -”

 _“Wow, what is going on? He’s never like this”,_ Elia thinks as he just stares at his father, not really listening to him anymore. _“Is he actually apologizing for his outburst on Sunday?”_

“Anyway, I realized I was harsh on you. Your room is clean and I saw you studying on Sunday and Monday. I just want to let you know I notice you are making an effort at school and at home too.”

 _“Well, he never really said sorry but I’ll take this”_ , Elia sits upright and looks at his dad. “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I can imagine being a single father is difficult and I appreciate you telling me all of this.”

“I’ll be better Elia, I promise” Elia’s dad says, genuinely looking concerned.

“Thanks dad”, Elia gets up and grabs a piece of bread. “Thanks for the coffee too. I have to go to school now.” He grabs his backpack giving his dad a polite smile as he leaves out the kitchen door. He walks to the end of the hallway taking a bite of the piece of bread.

“Yeah, ok. Have a good day at school” Elia hears his dad say from the kitchen as he grabs his coat and scarf before heading out the door.

He closes the door behind him and starts walking towards the stairs. As he goes down he thinks about the conversation he just had with his father. Sunday wasn’t the first time his father had yelled at him, so why is this the first time he semi-apologized to Elia? What was different from the other times Elia locked himself in his room? Elia has no clue.

 _“That was weird, but I’m glad things won’t feel as tense at home. I do hope he changes though. Dealing with his outburst is exhausting and I always end up feeling so alone at home afterwards.. I understand things are not easy for him but I’m not his punching bag. I’ll focus on the present though. I’m glad things are ok for now. I really hope this lasts.”_ Elia thinks as he walks down the stairs and out to the street. He steps on the sidewalk as he takes the last bite of his breakfast.

Elia looks at his phone, it’s 7:38 am, and he’s just in time to take the 7:40 am bus. He walks slowly towards the bus stop, not being able to stop thinking about what just happened.

_“How did we end up here? I know it was easier for Giulia and me when mom still lived with us, but was dad always this strict and angry? I really don’t understand why things are like this now. It’s all just a huge mess. Giulia is happy in Milan, or at least she doesn’t have to deal with any of this. Mom, well, who knows how she feels really. Whenever she calls she just asks about how things are with me. She sounds happy though. Is everyone happy but dad or is he the only one who can’t hide he’s not ok? I am the only one that has the deal with all of this negativity almost everyday. I’m happy most of the time but him being like this drags me down. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone at home all the time. At least when Giulia was still at home we kept each other company. I can’t blame her for leaving though; I would’ve done the same thing.”_

Elia sighs as he reaches the bus stop. There’s a man seating down at the bench, but he gets up, looking behind Elia as he gets there. Elia turns around and sees the bus approaching two blocks away. They both walk slowly reaching the door just as the bus stops in front of them. With both hands inside his coat Elia walks inside greeting the bus driver with a soft smile. The bus is not as packed as it usually is, so Elia chooses a window seat close to the door. He stares outside at the people walking on the sidewalk as the bus speeds up. The sun hasn’t been up for long so people are just starting their day. It’s still quiet outside, there’s not much going on yet. Elia takes out his phone to keep himself occupied during the bus ride. He has unread messages from Filippo.

7:40 – Filippo: “Ugh I’m so annoyed. I was supposed to go to the university where my mom works this morning but she left without me. Apparently I was late and she couldn’t wait for me.”

7:40 – Filippo: “Worst part is that me going there was her idea. She wanted me to check out some photography summer courses I might be interested in.”

7:41 – Filippo: “I’m not even that interested in coming here for the summer. I was just planning on spending more time with her today… I have the coldest mom in Italy. I don’t know why I’m even here lol”

Seems Filippo is having a strange morning too.

7:43 – Elia: “Aw, that sucks. Are you still going to go there later?”

Elia looks out the window as the bus drives through his neighborhood. The bus slows down and stops to let more passengers in. Elia turns his head to look at them coming in when he received another text from Filippo.

7:45 – Filippo: “Hi lol I’m sorry for the rant. Yeah my mom is strange. I don’t know if I want to check the course out now. Maybe I’ll decide to go after I finish my breakfast.”

Filippo now sends a selfie of him drinking a glass of coke.

7:46 – Filippo: “A healthy and nutritious breakfast as you can tell. There’s nothing to eat here. It seems my mom eats out a lot.” 

7:46 – Filippo: “You would expect her to at least buy some food knowing her son will visit. I don’t know why I’m surprised though." 

7:47 – Filippo: “So, how does it feel to have normal, caring parents Elia?”

Elia sighs as he writes back.

7:47 – Elia: “I wouldn’t know. My mom lives in Naples and caring is not a word I would use to describe my dad.”

7:47 – Filippo: “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

7:48 – Elia: “It’s ok. I’m sorry your mom didn’t wait for you this morning.”

7:48 – Filippo: “Oh well, maybe it’s for the best. I didn’t want to go to the university if I’m honest anyway. If I’m going to be here alone, I might as well explore the city the way I want to.”

7:49 – Elia: “Now that’s a plan! Where are you going to go?”

7:49 – Filippo: “I don’t know yet. I might just walk around and see what I find.”

7:49 – Filippo: “I’ll let you know if I run into your grandmother.”

Elia laughs as he looks up from his phone. He looks out the window, realizing the bus is almost at his stop. Elia grabs his backpack and starts to get up as he continues to text.

7: 51 – Elia: “Good luck with that, she’s pretty good at disguising herself.”

7:51 – Elia: “Have fun exploring Padua! Let me know if you see my grandma then. I’m almost at school now.”

Elia is now by the door, waiting for the bus to stop to get off. He walks down the steps as he receives a new message.

7:53 – Filippo: “Thanks! Oh, I will find your grandmother trust me. She might be good at being sneaky but I’m better at observing.”

7:53 – Filippo: “I know you have zero faith in my detective abilities, but I have my way of locating people."

7:53 – Elia: “Pfff, I will believe it when I see it. What’s your secret method then?”

7:54 – Filippo: “I can’t tell you over the phone. It’s too dangerous. One day in person I will share all my wisdom with you.”

Elia chuckles at the last text. He walks inside the school gates as he looks for Luchino so they can walk to their first class. He spots him standing by the door, looking at his phone. Elia starts walking towards Luca, putting his phone back inside his coat. The sound of a new message notification stops him from doing so.

7:56 – Filippo: “Maybe on Thursday when I get back? If you’re free” 

Elia smiles at his phone as he reads it. 

“Elia! Hi”, Luchino yells, spotting Elia by the school gates. 

Elia looks up and waves at Luchino. He continues to walk towards him as he replies to Filippo’s last text. 

7:55 – Elia: “Thursday it is :) ”


	8. Biology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wednesday arrived. With it came the Biology exam that Elia was worried about and also, a conversation with Marti that has a strong effect on him.

Wednesday arrived. That meant the exam Elia has been intensively studying for is today. He is proud of his tight study schedule because it was exactly the time he needed to be ready for the exam. His last two afternoons were spent seating at his desk with his notes and books. Coffee and snacks helped him focus on the schoolwork. He did have some distractions though. His father, still guilty of the way he reacted on Sunday, cooked a special dinner Tuesday night for the two of them. Filippo also proved to be a distraction even if he was 500 kms away in Padua. He sent Elia around 30 texts on Tuesday alone. They were all pictures of random people and objects with the same caption.

11:35 – Filippo: “Is this your grandmother?”

12:13 – Filippo: “I bet this your grandmother?”

13:02 – Filippo: “Or maybe this your grandmother?”

The images attached varied from old women walking in the street, a policeman giving a car a ticket, a fire hydrant and a young street performer juggling in a park. Every time Elia replied Filippo would tell him to stop looking at his phone, saying he should be studying.

13:30 – Filippo: “This is her! Right?”

13:32 – Elia: “Not really but that was close. She is a fire hydrant but she’s not specifically that one.”

13:33 – Filippo: “Why are you on your phone! Aren’t you studying for the biology exam for tomorrow.”

13:33 – Elia: “I am studying! It’s normal to check the phone when you get a notification you know.”

13:34 – Filippo: “Not when you’re supposed to be studying”

13:35 – Elia: “I shouldn’t have told you about the test.”

13:36 – Filippo: “Well you did and you only have yourself to blame for that. You can let me know if I found your grandmother later tonight when you’re done studying for the day. Now please let me look for her in peace.”

13:37 – Elia: “Fine.”

 13:40 – Filippo: “Is this man in a suit your grandmother?”

Elia saw a photo of a man walking out of the bus with a briefcase. He laughed at Filippo’s texts but didn’t reply. He put his phone facing down next to his books and continued to study. Five minutes later he heard the sound of a new text. His curiosity is bigger than his self-control so he unlocked the phone and read the last text from Filippo. 

13:51 – Filippo: “You didn’t reply. Good. That was a test.”

Elia laughed at loud. He muted the phone notifications and threw it on his bed. He needed to focus on the exam for real now.

Around midnight he finished studying. He went to bed feeling ready for what the next day had in store for him. Exhausted but with a huge grin on his face, he laid on the bed reading all of Filippo’s text before going to sleep.

So there he was now, arriving at school nervous but ready to take the exam. Biology is his last class today so Elia will have to wait until noon to relax. The morning went by quickly. Between classes he would take out his notes to double check he knew all the material that was going to be covered in the test. Before he realized, Biology period came and went. He was done with the test.

Elia walks out Biology feeling good about himself. He knew most of the answers, so he knows he will get a good grade.

 _“I deserve a treat”,_ Elia sighs as he gathers all of his things and walks towards the cafeteria to buy a pastry and coffee.

Elia stands in front of the pastries, not sure which one to get. After such intense days he really wants to indulge in something good.

 _“That cake is just what I want”,_ he thinks as he sees a piece of chocolate cake. Coffee and cake in hand, Elia walks to a nearby empty table. He sits down and puts his backpack on the chair next to him.

Smelling the coffee he takes out his phone.

11:44 – Filippo: “How did it go? Are you done with the exam?” 

Elia smiles as he puts his phone on the table. Filippo wanted to know how the exam went. He knew Elia was worried about it and he cared enough to ask.

 _“Maybe he actually likes me”,_ Elia thought, still grinning. _“Should I say I’ve enjoyed talking to him this last few days? What should I write back?”_

Confused about what his next step should be, Elia stared at his phone. He really wants Filippo to know he’s interested in hanging out more, but what if Filippo doesn’t like him like that? Elia is not as confident as Filippo. He doesn’t feel as interesting or as mature as Filippo. Filippo probably thinks Elia is too young. He probably just talks to him because he’s Marti’s friend. 

 _“Maybe he’s not interested and I’m imagining things”,_ Elia’s lack of self-esteem was getting to him now. _“No, I can’t put myself down like this. Ok Elia, let’s pretend you’re confident enough to send him a text to show you’re interested in him, what would you write?”_

Elia unlocks his phone to Filippo’s chat.

Elia: “The exam went well! Thanks for asking. It’s been a couple of intense days, so I’m glad the exam is done. If I’m honest, I would’ve gone crazy studying so much if it wasn’t for all your funny and encouraging texts, so thanks for that.” 

“Mmm… I don’t know. It sounds too cheesy. It has to be something more casual for sure. Casual but clear.” Elia is unsure on how to phrase what he wants to say. 

Elia: “The exam went well! Thanks for asking. It’s been a couple of intense days if I’m honest, so I’m glad I’m done with the exam. Your texts were the perfect distraction from studying. When I was feeling overwhelmed from studying I read them to relax. You have a way- ” 

“ELIA!” someone yells.

Elia jumps after hearing his name. He throws his arms on the air, spilling a bit of the coffee on the table. He quickly grabs his phone so it doesn’t get wet. That’s when it happens. He was so worried his phone would get wet his finger slipped up and accidently pressed send.

12:16 – Elia: “The exam went well! Thanks for asking. It’s been a couple of intense days if I’m honest, so I’m glad I’m done with the exam. Your texts were the perfect distraction from studying. When I was feeling overwhelmed from studying I read them to relax. You have a way- ”

 _“Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit”_ Elia feels a cold shiver go down his back. Elia stands up putting a hand on his face.

“Elia haha what the hell. You jumped as if I caught you doing something wrong.” Martino laughs as he cleans up the spilt coffee with some of the napkins that were on the table.

“Why did you creep up on me like that Marti!” Elia grumpily responds. “Look what you made me do.” 

“I just made you spill a bit of your coffee, relax Elia. I’m already cleaning it.” Marti replies curiously looking at Elia. 

“Well yeah, but you also made me jump and I accidentally – I mean, I was startled by you yelling my name, and I… never mind.” Elia gives up, what’s done is done. He sits back on the chair and looks down at his shoes. Martino looks suspiciously at Elia but says nothing. He pulls up a chair and sits down next to Elia. 

“Why are you being so weird Elia? What are you hiding?” Marti questions Elia smiling at him.

“Nothing Marti, nothing. You just scared me, that’s all” Elia rubs his phone on his pants, removing the small drops of coffee from the screen. He sighs, resigning to his fate that the text message has been sent as he puts his phone inside his pocket.

“So what are you up to Elia? That biology exam was something right?” Marti asks.

“Yeah, for sure. I was worried about it if I'm honest.” Elia replies, looking at his phone to check if Filippo had replied.

“Why were you worried? Didn’t you feel prepared?” Marti asks looking at Elia’s phone too.

“I didn’t really. I’m falling a little bit behind my schoolwork. I just haven’t been able to concentrate much at home,” Elia admits. “I’ll catch up quickly though, I’m not that far behind away. I can finish the rest by the end of the week.”

“That sucks though,” Marti sits up looking at Elia. “I was very behind last year because of all the drama at home and with Nico. It felt so exhausting to catch up on everything. Do you want me to help you with something?” 

“No Marti, thank you. I’ve got it covered. It’s really not that much.” Elia turns to Marti. “Can I ask you a question though?”

“Fire away,” Marti replies leaning back on the chair.

“When you were distracted with the stuff at home and the whole Nico situation, how did you focus on school? I mean, you just told me you were falling behind, but when you started to catch up, how did you do it? Did you wait until things with your mom and Nico were fine?” Elia wonders if there’s an easier way to deal with the things at home and school. Maybe he can learn something from Marti’s personal experience.

“Well not really. Things weren’t fine up until the end of December. I took it a day at a time sometimes. If I needed to distract myself I would play Fifa, meet up with you guys, or with Filippo. So I would take advantage of the moments I wasn’t feeling anxious or sad to study.” Martino replies. 

“We weren’t that much help though.” Elia admits. “I mean, you didn’t share with us what was going on at home or with Nico until later. How did you felt better if you didn’t talk about it with someone?”

“Well you can’t really depend on one single person to fulfill all your needs you know. I talked about some stuff with you guys, mostly about things with my mom. I talked about Nico with Filippo because he understood what I was going through.” Marti explains.

He points at Elia’s coffee, asking if he can have a sip. Elia nods his head and thinks about what Marti just said. Marti puts the coffee down and looks at Elia.

“You remember Filippo right? He’s Eleonora’s brother. He’s gay, like me, and he went through his own journey of acceptance about his sexuality.  Sometimes when you’re anxious, sad or worried the best thing is to talk to someone that understands what you’re going through you know?” Marti was making a lot of sense.

“Yeah, I can see that. Well, I’m glad you had Filippo when you needed advice.” Elia smiles at Marti. The contrabbandieri felt guilty after Marti came out to them about not seeing the signs that he was not doing ok. Things are good now but Elia still feels bad about not being there for him when he needed them.

“Yes, me too. Filippo was a huge help. It’s so funny because I didn’t meet him through Ele, I actually met him one night I was drunk outside a gay bar.” Marti laughs remembering that night. “I was so wasted Elia, you wouldn’t believe it. I couldn’t go back home like that, so I was seating outside on the sidewalk when he approached me. He offered I stayed at his house that night so I didn’t’ have to go home.”

“Oh, so you guys hooked up that night?” Elia asks, suddenly worries of what Marti will answer.

“What? Hahaha no, of course not Elia”, Marti finds it hilarious. “I didn’t go home with him.”

“He must’ve been disappointed that you rejected him then.” Elia says, forcing a smile as he teases Martino.

“Not at all, he only wanted to help me”, Marti explains. “He’s not my type. I’m definitely not his type anyway.”

“Oh yeah?” Elia asks, a little more relaxed now.

“Yeah, for sure. I’m too young for him. Also, he always tells me he thinks I’m too boring because I don’t go out often.” Marti says, now taking a bite out the cake Elia has forgotten about since they started talking about Filippo.

“Too young? So he goes for older guys then.” Elia feels defeated after hearing this. So he was right, he has not chance with Filippo. 

“Yeah, usually I think. He says younger guys can’t keep up with him.” Marti replies. “I mean, he always jokes that he likes to live fast, and has not time to wait for someone else to catch up. But I have no idea what he means by that.”

“Oh, I see” Elia feels his heart sinking. He can’t hide his disappointment. He reaches for his coffee but Marti has finished it all.

“Shit, sorry Elia. I finished your coffee, let me buy you a new one.” Marti stands up and reaches for his back pocket for his wallet.

“No Marti, it’s ok really.” Elia responds, looking down at the table.

“I can tell you’re disappointed Elia. Your face changed when you noticed I finished your coffee. Haha I’ll be right back, I’ll get you a new one.” Marti quickly walks away with the wallet in his hand.

Elia sits back and closes his eyes for a second. He suddenly feels drained from the last few days. He takes a deep breath and grabs his phone. Filippo has replied.

 _“Shit.”_ Elia feels a cold shiver down his back.

12:31 – Filippo: “I’m glad it went well and that my attempts to send funny texts helped you study.”

12:32 – Filippo: “What did you mean by the last part? I have a way what?” 

 _“Fuck it, I’m too young for him and he’s definitely not interested, I have nothing to loose now”_ Elia has resigned himself that he’s not good enough for him. Nothing he says can make Filippo be interested in him, so he might as well say what he meant. 

12:37 – Elia: “That you have a way making me feel at ease. That I really like that, and that’s probably why I feel drawn to you.”

There. This would be the last time Elia hears from Filippo for sure.

Elia grabs his backpack and starts to get up so he can go home. If he’s going to feel like shit he prefers to feel like shit at home. He searches for Marti as he thinks of any excuse to leave. Marti is nowhere in sight. Elia exhales frustrated when he hears a new text notification. Elia takes a deep breath. He waits a moment, getting himself ready to face Filippo’s rejection. A few seconds later Elia looks down and opens the chat.

12:39 – Filippo: “Oh I didn’t expect you to say that.”

There it is, the rejection Elia was waiting for. He puts his cellphone in his pocket when he sees Martino by the door talking to Gio and Luca. Having to deal with the three of them right now is the last thing he needs. He grabs his backpack and walks quickly towards the side exit, hoping they don’t notice him sneaking away.

Elia successfully escapes and is now walking out the school gates. He puts his hands inside his coat and grabs his phone. The touch of his phone is a reminder of Filippo’s rejection. He needs to pull the band-aid off as quickly as he possibly can. The faster he deletes the chat the sooner he can forget all of this happened. He takes out his phone and unlocks it as he continues to walk to the bus stop. He stops when he looks at his screen. Filippo sent a couple more text messages.

12:40 – Filippo: “I’m happy I make you feel at ease. You have the same effect on me if I’m honest. I’m usually going through life quickly but you make me feel comfortably calm. I really like that.”

12:42 – Filippo: “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”


	9. A Gelato in the Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thursday is finally here. This means Filippo is back from Padua and he doesn't come empty handed.

Elia has been anxious all morning. Well, maybe anxious is not the right word to describe what he’s feeling. He’s nervous, the good kind of nervous though.

Today is Thursday, the day Filippo comes back from his trip to Padua. Thursday, the day after Elia confessed via text message that he feels at ease around Filippo, that he feels drawn to him. The same Thursday when they planned to see each other again.

Elia feels butterflies inside his stomach every time he thinks of seeing him this afternoon. At times he feels excited, remembering that Filippo admitted he feels the same way as Elia. Other times Elia feels worried he might screw this up, that Filippo might change his mind. He’s being going back and forth all day. Elia doesn’t know how to feel. It’s a good thing the Biology exam is out of the way because Elia is deep inside his head instead of paying attention during his classes. Two teachers have already called him out on it this morning. Even his friends have noticed he’s been acting weird.

“So there I was, walking back home and guess who I ran into?” Luca enthusiastically told Elia as they walked into school in the morning. “You’ll never guess, I’ll just tell you. It was that bartender from the other night! Do you remember her? She was the one that we saw at that new pub. Anyway, there she was, walking towards me. I recognized her instantly; I never forget a face like that. So I immediately corrected my posture and walked smiling towards her. I was this close –“ Luca gestures with his hands showing Elia what he means but stops when he notices Elia is not looking.

“Elia! I’m telling you a story”, Luca hits Elia’s arms to get his attention.

“Oh, I’m sorry Luca. I was just thinking of some stuff”, Elia admits.

“Haha no kidding, you weren’t even looking at me”, Luca laughs softly pushing Elia. “What were you thinking about? What’s more important than hearing how I ran into the love of my life? Haha”

“Haha nothing really. There’s just something I need to do after school – well, something my dad needs help with. You know how he can be sometimes. So, yeah. Just thinking about that.” Elia nervously explains himself. “But it’s not that important, I’m sorry for not paying attention. So you were saying you saw her in the street?”

“Yes, yes. Anyway, I was walking outside when I saw her heading my way. I had a book in my hand. Wait, where did I left off? Did I already explain why I had that book with me? So my mother asked me to-“ the sound of the first bell cut Luca off as they're about to reach Elia's class. 

“I’ll tell you later, you won’t believe what happened." Luca yells from the hallway as he runs to his own classroom.

Elia didn't get to hear the end of that story today. He spent the whole day distracted seating by the window in the back of the class. He did leave his seat from time to time during the day, but it was mainly to use the restroom or to eat something from the cafeteria during the breaks.

The morning felt extremely long, but finally Elia notices it's now noon as he comes out of the bathroom. This means his last class will start in a little bit. He goes back inside, walks to the back of the room and finds his empty seat. He sits down as he looks at the rest of his classmates as they walk in from the small break. With his notebook already on his desk he looks out the window. It’s a regular winter day in Rome, the sky is grey and it looks like it might rain. Elia turns his attention back to the teacher when they announce they have to leave for a second.

“I left something at the library we’ll use today. Please start reading chapter 9 and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” His teacher says as the door closes behind them.

Everyone takes out their books, but start talking amongst themselves. Instead of chatting with someone, Elia takes out his phone. He opens his messages to read the chat with Filippo. They last texted yesterday after school. Last night Elia had the urge to message him but he didn’t want to come across as too intense. Especially after bluntly sending a message letting him know he was interested in him. So today, as there are no new messages, Elia reads the old ones again.

Wednesday, 20th February

12:32 – Filippo: “What did you mean by the last part? I have a way what?”

12:37 – Elia: “That you have a way making me feel at ease. That I really like that, and that’s probably why I feel drawn to you.”

12:39 – Filippo: “Oh I didn’t expect you to say that.”

12:40 – Filippo: “I’m happy I make you feel at ease. You have the same effect on me if I’m honest. I’m usually going through life quickly but you make me feel comfortably calm. I really like that.”

12:42 – Filippo: “Now I really can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

12:48 – Elia: “Oh”

12:48 – Elia: “I didn’t expect YOU to say that.”

13:01 – Filippo: “I’m unpredictable you see ;)”

13:02 – Filippo: “So Elia. What do you feel like doing tomorrow then?”

13:04 – Elia: “I don’t know. At what time are you going to be free?”

13:06 – Filippo: “I’ll be at home around noon. I just have to unpack and finish something for university before I can hang out. Maybe around 15:00?”

13:07 – Elia: “Ok great”

13:12 – Filippo: “Ok, I’ll tell you what. Meet me down the block from my apartment. You know where Ele and I live, right? We can decide tomorrow what we feel like doing. Sounds good?”

13:15 – Elia: “Yes. I do know where you guys live. Ok, that sounds good”

13:18 – Filippo: “See you tomorrow then Elia”

13:19 – Elia: “See you tomorrow!”

 _“I should’ve texted something else so the conversation kept on going”,_ Elia now regrets he said goodbye so quickly. _“I was so nervous though. I just told him I felt “drawn to him”. God, who even says that… There’s nothing I can do about it now. He likes me back though, so I shouldn’t complain. Or at least that’s what I understood from the text messages. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it over text. How am I supposed to greet him now? I’m going to be blushing so much. Ok Elia, stop. There’s nothing you can do about the past now. Just relax. Ok, I need to stop reading this over and over; it’s just making me feel more nervous. Ugh, how much longer until this class is over…”_

Elia anxiously looks at the time, it’s 12:18. So, they’re planning on meeting up at 15:00, it will take Elia fifteen minutes to reach Filippo’s apartment so this means he has to be out the door by 14:40. He will get home from school at 13:45, so he has around one hour to shower, get dressed and try to calm himself down before he's out the door.

 _“Should I just skip this class? I mean, the teacher is not even here, I could just leave so I can have more time to get ready”,_ Elia wonders as he looks at the door. _“If I was not seating all the way over here by the window I could’ve left by now.”_

He stares at the classroom door debating if he should leave or not. The longer he waits the less amount of time he has before the teacher comes back. Screw it, he’s going to leave. Elia quickly picks up his book and grabs his backpack. He has to hurry so he can leave without being noticed. Elia stands up and starts walking in between the desks. Gio, who is seating by the door with Marti, notices Elia leaving.

“Where are you going?” Gio mouths as Elia dodges desks and backpacks trying to get to the door.

“I have to go help my dad”, Elia mouths back as he walks by them.

Marti gives Elia a puzzled look, which he responds by shrugging as he goes out the door. Without checking if the teacher is close by Elia sprints to his left, towards the staircase. Now on the ground level, he runs to the exit. He fixes his scarf and walks outside, feeling the cold breeze in the air.

 _“Shit, why did I leave? I’m supposed to be catching up on my school work, not skipping class because I much rather be at home.”_ Elia can act so impulsive sometimes. He turns around looking at the building behind him. He considers going back but ultimately decides to walk to the bus stop.

At the bus stop there’s no empty seats on the bench. Elia lies back on the lamppost and exhales trying to control his nerves. The bus arrives a few minutes later. Elia’s now on the bus, sitting by the window, on his way back home. He’s not looking at anything in particular. He watches cars and people go by fast as the bus drives through Rome. Now close to his neighborhood, the butterflies in his stomach come back. He’s been feeling them all day, but this time instead of feeling worried Elia feels excited. He looks outside and sees his reflection grinning back at him in the window. Today is going to be a great day for sure. Elia can’t wait to get home so he can shower and get changed. He wants to be his best self for Filippo.

According to his phone It’s 12:40. This means he will have almost two hours to get ready. Elia is not sure if that’s good or bad because the more time he has to get ready the longer he’ll nervously wait to meet up with Filippo. The bus slows down and Elia stands up, he’s at his stop. He gets off thanking the driver and walks towards his building just a block away.

The day is getting colder by the minute. Elia looks up at the sky and see big dark clouds forming over him. The crappy weather won’t ruin his mood though. He’s seeing Filippo, that’s enough to brighten his day.

It might’ve been because of the cold or because of his strong desire to get ready but Elia is inside the apartment in record time. He walks to his room and puts all his stuff on the desk. With the closet door open, he carefully chooses what to wear today. For sure he will wear his grey coat, but what else might look good with it?

 _“Ok, maybe I can wear it with these black pants. I look better in those brown ones though. I’ll try both of them”,_ he thinks as he throws both pairs of pants on the bed. _“If I wear my blue scarf I could wear a white casual button down. Yeah, that sounds good.”_

Elia is now undressing, ready to take a hot shower. He connects his phone to the speakers and plays some chill music as he showers. Fifteen minutes later, in his room he tries both pairs of pants.

“Mmm, the brown ones for sure. I look really good with them on.” He admires himself in the mirror.

Picking up his phone, he notices it’s 13:15. Elia has almost thirty minutes before he has to leave. If he puts his shirt on now it might get wrinkled, so he decides to hang it on the doorknob in the meantime. He walks to the window and opens the curtains to let some light in, but the day is still grey and cloudy. He grabs his phone and lies on the bed, covering his chest with a blanket. He has time to relax before he has to go out, so he closes his eyes for a bit. He might rather leave now though. The anticipation is killing him and he knows he won’t be able to stay still.

Elia ends up unlocking his phone and opening Filippo’s chat again. They haven’t talked all day, what if he forgot about their plans? Maybe its better if Elia sends him a text just in case.

13:19 – Elia: “Hi Filippo! I’m going to leave my house in about 20 minutes. We’re still meeting outside your apartment, right?”

He puts the phone on the nightstand and lies on his side. He tries to close his eyes again. He pictures Filippo, trying to remember what looked like the day they ran into each other by the park. Elia immediately sees Filippo’s face smiling at him. Lip ring and pink hair Filippo. Confident and sweet Filippo.

Ok, waiting whilst lying in bed is going to be impossible. This is driving Elia crazy. He gets up and walks to grab his white shirt. Now completely dressed he grabs his wallet, phone and keys and walks out the door whilst putting on his coat.

He checks the time again and walks down the hallway. It’s 13:28, which means that if he leaves now he’ll get there fifteen minutes early. He sprints down the stairs and out the front door. Now outside, in the cold winter afternoon, he walks fast even though he knows he has time to kill. Elia receives a text from Filippo after a few minutes of being on his way.

13:34 – Filippo: “Hi! Yes, let’s meet outside my apartment. I’m almost done! I just need to finish printing some things for university. Text me when you’re here so I know when to come down.”

13:35 – Elia: “Ok! Sounds good.”

Elia should start walking slower if he doesn’t want to wait a long time for Filippo. Seeing as he is too restless to slow down he decides taking a longer route might be the best idea. Knowing the new route is longer makes him to worry he might be late so he doesn’t slow down anyway. Before he knows it, he’s actually pretty close.

 _“Shit, if I keep this up I might sweat a little and stain my shirt!”_ Elia stops and sits down in a nearby bench. He’s only three blocks away from Filippo’s apartment; maybe it’s better if he waits a little bit here. As he lays his head back, he can feel his heart beating fast. It might be the fact he walked so fast or just his nerves, but he needs to sit down and breath unless he wants to greet Filippo looking sweaty.

 _“Breath Elia, breath. It’s going to be fine.”_ He closes his eyes as the nerves intensify. _“Ugh what time is it. I want to get this over with.”_

It’s 13:41, he technically has nineteen more minutes before they’re supposed to meet. Elia can’t sit still, so he stands up and exhales frustrated at his inability to wait peacefully. Nineteen minutes is too mucho time to walk three blocks. Screw this, it doesn’t matter, he’ll just wait outside Filippo’s apartment. Anything is better than seating down at the bench checking the time every two minutes.

So there he was, outside Filippo’s apartment 6 minutes later. It’s now 13:47, so just thirteen minutes to go. He spent the next ten minutes walking from corner to corner. A waiter in the bar notice this and is looking at him with a puzzled look in his face. Elia ignores the stares and continues to walk in circles looking at his phone, hoping the minutes would go by faster.

“Finally! It’s 13:58. I can text him now.” Elia opens the message chat and texts Filippo to let him know he’s there already.

13:58 – Elia: “Hey Filippo, I’m here. I’ll wait for you in the corner by the bakery.”

Elia walks to the bakery in the corner, staring at his phone checking if Filippo has replied. He reaches the corner and awkwardly stands looking at the building door. Should he be looking elsewhere to appear cool? But why pretend though, maybe he should wait for Filippo by the door? Elia’s heart is beating faster by the second, just staring at the door waiting for Filippo to come out.

The phone’s notification goes off, so Elia lowers his gaze to look at it. He stops mid way when he notices that the door opens. There he is. It's Filippo. They immediately make eye contact and Filippo starts walking towards him smiling. He looks absolutely gorgeous in a mustard coat and black pants. He walks out putting on his scarf and holding a backpack on his hand.

 _“Damn, he’s so hot and so effortlessly cool.”_ Elia can’t seem to look away. He must’ve been staring because Filippo laughs as he walks towards Elia.

“Hi Elia!” Filippo said grinning as he wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.

 _“Wow he smells so good”,_ Elia thinks as he hugs Filippo back. _“I should’ve wore cologne or something.”_

“Uh? Oh hi Filippo”, Elia awkwardly replies as they break off from the hug. “How are you?”

“Good, you? You look nice!” Filippo smiles at Elia.

“Thanks, you look really nice too.” Elia smiles back as he tries to regulate his heartbeat.

“So Elia, where do you want to go? Unfortunately the day is a bit gloomy but we can still walk outside for a little bit if you want. Or we can just go somewhere indoors too. You decide.” Filippo rearranges his backpack on his shoulder, getting ready to start walking

“We can just walk around and eventually go in somewhere when we feel like it?” Elia shrugs at his own suggestion but Filippo thinks it’s a good idea.

“That sounds perfect! Let’s walk then”, Filippo pulls on Elia’s hand towards him and they both start walking.

Just like the first time they ran into each other on the street, Elia hopes he’ll relax with every step they take.

“Elia, are you ok?” Filippo asks after a minute of them walking in silence.

“Yes, yes, I’m ok. I’m sorry if I’m being too quiet”, Elia quickly answers, trying to reassure Filippo everything is all right.

“Ok, just relax. We’re just two people going out for a walk.” Filippo turns to look at Elia and flashes him a warm smile.

“Yes, I know. I’m fine really.” Elia feels himself blushing now which makes Filippo chuckle. “So how was Padua?”

“It was fine in the end. Basically I spent some time with my mom and I walked around. I had a lot of time to relax, so that’s good. It was a nice getaway. How was Rome? What did I miss?”

“Not much really. I basically spent the last few days in my room studying.”

“And texting me”, Filippo teases as he winks at Elia.

“Haha yes, and texting you.” Elia nudges Filippo smiling at him.

Both are having such a nice time talking face to face that they’re not bothered by the weather. They don’t even notice that darker clouds are forming above them. They’re just walking, joking around and casually flirting with each other. Elia points out that they’ve walked past the same bookstore three times already. They laugh and decide to walk in a different direction. After a few more minutes Filippo stops Elia mid sentence.

“Elia, look”, Filippo says pointing to their left with his eyes. Elia follows his gaze and notices they’re one block away from the park where they hung out a week ago.

“Oh wow, seems we’re back here again.” Elia has been so invested in what Filippo had been telling him for the last 10 minutes he didn’t realize they were so close to the park. “Do you want to go sit down there for a bit Filippo?”

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go.”

They reach the park and start walking down the path towards the pond. Unlike the last time, today the park is almost empty. The dark and cold afternoon is not making being outside appealing to anyone but Elia and Filippo. Elia spots an empty bench by the pond and starts walking quickly towards it.

“Elia slow down! The park is empty haha.” Filippo laughs at Elia racing alone to the bench. “No one will take it from you.”

By the time Filippo gets there Elia is already seating down.

“I won” Elia grins looking up the path at Filippo.

“What did you win?” Filippo asks with a cheeky smile on his face. “The best spot on the bench?”

Filippo laughs as he sits down next to Elia. The space between them is practically non-existent. Elia’s heart starts to beat faster as he feels Filippo’s knee against him. He turns around to look at him and they both smile looking at each other in the eyes. The tension in the air is suddenly interrupted by the sound of thunder. They look up and notice the rain clouds are quickly approaching.

“Oh shit, it’s going to rain soon. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have suggested we walk down here.” Filippo apologizes to Elia looking up the sky as the thunder increase in the distance

“It’s ok really”, Elia reassures him as they both stand up. “We won’t die if we get a little bit wet.”

“We should run though”, Elia quickly adds as the rain starts pouring over them. He grabs Filippo’s hand and begins to run up the path towards the exit.

Elia feels Filippo’s soft skin getting wet as the heavy rain falls on them. There’s no shelter in sight anywhere. Looking around, Elia spots a big tree by the entrance and runs towards it.

“Wait! Elia, not there” Filippo pulls Elia’s hand back. “Did no one tell you it’s not safe to be under a tree during a thunderstorm? Hahaha.”

Elia shrugs as Filippo now leads the way, still having a tight grip of Elia’s hand. They reach the sidewalk and Filippo guides them across the street.

“Come, let’s wait it out under there”, Filippo points with his free hand at the entrance of a nearby building. The main door has small roof over it that could protect them from the rain. Elia nods and follows Filippo.

Even though they’re now under a roof they’re still getting wet. The dry available space is not enough for two people, so they’re extremely close trying to avoid the heavy rain.

“Ugh I should’ve packed a small umbrella inside my backpack” Filippo tells Elia as he pulls up his coat, trying to prevent the rain from getting inside.

“Haha yeah, it would’ve been useful.” Elia laughs loudly. “But look at the sky, it seems it will stop raining soon I think.”

In the distance they can see a small clearing coming their way.

“What do you have in your backpack anyway?” Elia curiously asks. “Do you still have stuff to finish for university?”

Filippo blushes at the question. They’re so close that Elia feels Filippo’s body take a deep breath before answering him.

“I got something for you, something from Padua.” He admits, looking at Elia. “But seeing you don’t have anywhere to put it I will give it to you after I walk you home so it’s protected from the rain.”

“No”, Elia replies.

“No? You don’t want it?” Filippo has a worried look on his face.

“Yes, yes I want it. I meant no, don’t walk me home yet”, Elia shyly explains. “I’m having a nice time, I don’t want to go home soon.”

“Even with this rain? haha”, Filippo laughs relieved. “Well you’re going to have to wait to find out what it is then.”

“Come on! You can’t say there’s something for me in your backpack and not expect me to be extremely curious to at least see it.” He starts poking Filippo’s stomach, pressuring him to show Elia what’s inside.

“Fine fine haha stop it.”

Filippo puts up his hands, giving in to Elia’s request.

“The rain is going away. I guess it’s safe to show you now”. Filippo turns around to open the backpack facing the building. Elia turns around too and sees Filippo taking out a notebook. He opens the notebook and inside, tucked between the pages, is a photograph.

“I was walking by myself in Padua taking pictures when I took this one. Today, before we met, I went out to print it so I could gift it you.” Filippo explains.

Elia moves closer to get a better view of the photograph. It’s a picture of a young boy walking by a fountain holding a gelato in his hand.

“He caught my attention because it was so cold outside and I was surprised to see someone eating a gelato. When I saw him I instantly thought of you because you told me you used to eat them a lot in Padua during the summer.” Filippo explains trying to catch Elia’s gaze.

Elia looks at the photograph. It really does remind him of his time spent in Padua when he was a kid. This past week has been rough; Elia has been feeling alone at home. The memory of those good years when they were all together is something that Elia has been holding on to lately. The times when his father wasn’t always angry, when Guilia would keep him company for hours and when his mom still lived with them. This picture reflects all of that for him.

“And look, he even has a similar haircut to the one you have now.” Filippo adds with a nervous chuckle. He’s unsure how Elia feels about this gift. “But yeah, that was it. I’ll put it back inside so it doesn’t get wet.”

Filippo takes the photograph from Elia’s hands and puts it back inside his notebook. The rain is pretty much gone now so Filippo kneels down to put the notebook back inside his backpack. Elia is silently standing besides him, deeply moved by the gift. He suddenly realizes he hasn’t said a word yet.

Filippo slowly starts to get up and Elia sees this as his opportunity. He moves forward, closing the small gap between them. Elia grabs Filippo’s face with both of his hands as he’s getting up and looks into his eyes. Filippo looks surprised but Elia has a big smile on his face.

Realizing what’s about to happen, Filippo lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes. He feels Elia’s lips softly touch his, as he puts his arms around Elia’s waist. They’re both cold and soaking wet from the rain, but they’re holding each other in a warm embrace as they kiss.

After a few moments Elia pulls back. He regrets it instantly because he no longer feels his lips against his own. His face is only centimeters away from Filippo so he can still feel his warm breath.

“Thanks for the picture Filippo”, Elia softly whispers.

“Just keep kissing me please.” Filippo pulls him close by the waist as they continue to kiss.

The rain is completely gone now. Everyone is coming back outside again. There’s a large group of people exiting the nearby pub loudly laughing, a few cars driving by splashing water everywhere and even a dog barking in the park. Elia doesn’t hear any of this though. The only thing he’s focusing on right now is how he can feel Filippo’s heartbeat against his chest and his warm breath as they passionately kiss for the first time.


	10. The Leather Couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday, the day after Elia and Filippo's first date. With the weekend near, Elia is excited about the possibility of seeing him again in the next few days.

It’s been a day since their first kiss. Elia’s fingers still remember their tight grip on Filippo’s wet tweed coat when he pulled him close as the rain stopped pouring over them. It took a loud honk from a passing bus for them to remember they were outside, still on the sidewalk, kissing over newly formed puddles from the storm earlier. Elia was the first to open his eyes, noticing Filippo’s bright pink hair contrasting with the grey winter sky. For Elia, that was the moment Filippo became a colorful instance in what have been some dark months.

A day later, lying in bed after waking up, Elia still thinks of that afternoon. He replays the two-hour conversation they had in the café as they dried off, proudly recalling the moments when his jokes made Filippo laugh. The frustration of having to tell Filippo he had to go home still lingers too.

“Come on Elia. It’s only 18:45, don’t leave yet.” Filippo tried to convince him to stay longer, but it was to no avail.

“I don’t want to go, trust me. I have to get going though. My dad is expecting me at home, I’m sorry.”

“Can I at least walk you home?”

At the café the conversation had been flowing perfectly. Inside it was warm, their coats were drying by the door. Even though Filippo can’t think of a valid reason to leave, Elia has one. Today it’s his turn to cook dinner, and he has to go home soon.

“I would like that, but actually, I’m going to take a taxi so I get there on time”, Elia replied disappointed, as he stood up from his chair.

Filippo gave him an understanding smile. He reached over the table and softly grabbed Elia’s hand. His touch felt warm, probably from holding the fleshly poured cup of coffee he just ordered. With their hands intertwined, Elia walked around the table and stood in front of Filippo.

“Thanks for today, I had a really nice time”, Elia pulled Filippo up. He sighed and wrapped his arms around Elia’s waist. They let themselves relax in each other’s arms for a few seconds. Elia broke up the hug, and kissed him on the cheek before leaving.

Outside, the night was cold and his coat damp. Luckily, Elia didn’t wait long for a taxi and before he knew it, now with dry clothes, he was inside his warm apartment having a quiet dinner with his dad. He went to bed shortly after, but not before sending Filippo a goodnight text message.

22:15 – Elia: “Goodnight Filo. Talk tomorrow?”

22:25 – Filippo: “Talk tomorrow, night Elia”

The comfort of his bed, early in the morning, makes it easy for Elia to reminisce about yesterday’s events. He finally opens his eyes, forces himself to get up and starts his morning routine. That day, at school, tedious classes and gloomy weather would not bring Elia down. Still on a high from his date and the non-stop texting with Filippo made the morning fly by. The last class is almost over and Elia wonders if he should ask Filippo if he’s doing anything that day.

_“I really want to see him again, yesterday was not enough. It might be too soon, though. I should play it cool, right? I need advice about what my next step should be but I’m not ready to ask the boys. I’m sure they won’t have a problem if I tell them I like a guy, but they will make a big deal if they know that guy is Filippo. I want to keep this to myself for a little bit longer. I want to keep him to myself a little bit longer. What should I do though? Screw it, I’m going to ask him.”_

13:21 – Elia: “School is almost over! I can’t wait for the weekend, I could use some extra hours to sleep haha do you have anything fun planned?”

The bells rings and chaos ensues. The sounds of metal chairs and tables screeching against the tiled floor drown the teacher’s voice wishing everyone a good weekend. From the back of the class, Elia watches as everyone grabs their things, rushing out the door. Everyone but Gio and Marti. Both boys stay behind, waiting for Elia.

“Are you ready for tonight Elia?” Gio asks, Martino is behind him grinning.

“Mmm what? Ready for what?”

Elia feels like they’re smiling as if they know something about him. Filippo wouldn’t have told Marti about Elia already, right? A cold shiver runs down his spine, his body feels tense.

“Elia haha are you that afraid of going out with us tonight?” Gio and Marti laugh at the sight of Elia, visibly worried about what the boys meant.

“We’re excited because today we found a new pub not far away from here! Let’s go after school and see where the night takes us. Marti, text Luchino to wait outside for us.” Gio zips up his backpack as Marti takes out his phone. They quickly move towards the door as Elia stays behind. He exhales, relieved that his secret is still safe. He starts to walk behind them.

They find Lucchino by the school gate. His scarf covering his mouth and his hands inside his coat. The day promises to be as cold as yesterday. The strong wind blows their hair back as they walk towards the pub, seeking some drinks and a warm shelter from this winter weather.

It’s Elia’s turn to buy the first round. The contrabbandieri are siting on a cozy table in the back of the pub. As they take off their coats and scarfs, Elia walks to the bar to order their drinks.

“Four pints of lager, please. Three pales and one dark.”

The waiter behind the bar nods and walks away. Elia takes out his wallet and sits on a stool as he waits for the drinks to be poured. The counter top feels sticky; beer had been spilled earlier. He wipes the stickiness off his hands just as the drinks arrive. The waiter hands him the four beers, Elia hands him the money. He walks back, balancing them in his arms. The boys don’t notice he needs help until Elia is right in front of them.

“Oh, wait, let me help you.” Luchino gets up and takes two glasses off his hands. Elia puts the rest on the table and sits down. His seat is not exactly comfortable but to be out enjoying a drink together is nice. Spending the afternoon with Filippo would be nice too. With half of his drink down, he feels the warming effect of alcohol in his body. It’s not the same warmth he felt when his cold body was pressed against Filippo as they kissed wet from the rain though.

Filippo.

“ – the bartender from the other night! Do you remember her? She was the one that we saw at that other pub. Anyway, I was walking outside when I saw her heading my way. I had a book in my hand –“

Elia had already heard Luchino’s story already. He feels his phone over his pants. Reaching inside the pocket he takes it out. Filippo has replied to his last text.

14:41 – Filippo: “Yeah, so happy the weekend is here. I slept too much in Padua lol. Actually, I have spare energy I need to release, so I made plans to go out dancing with my friends. Are you doing anything tomorrow? Do you want to hang out?”

15:11 – Elia: “Have fun dancing! Yes, let’s hang out tomorrow. What did you have in mind?”

So he won’t get the chance to see him today, but tomorrow will do. He feels a rush of adrenaline go through his body at the thought of possibly kissing him again tomorrow. Elia looks behind the boys’ heads, past the front glass door. He stares at the passersby. They’re blurs of color that swiftly move across the doorframe. It’s difficult to focus on anything when the memory of his mouth biting on Filippo’s lip ring pops into his head. Even Luchino telling his story is undistinguishable background noise. After some time, Elia looks down at his phone, checking if Filippo has answered his question.

15:17 – Filippo: “I will probably be very hangover. Want to come over? We can watch a movie and eat here?”

_“Fuck.”_

Elia can feel his heartbeat accelerating. This is not a plan he had mentally prepared himself for. Elia looks up from his phone and reaches for his drink. He holds it, the beer is already lukewarm. Elia chugs it anyway. He might need something stronger next though.

“More drinks guys?” Elia abruptly asks.

“Uh yeah, I’ll get the next round after I finish my story.” Luca continues, unbothered by the interruption. “It turns out she was also reading that book. Well, also as in, her and my mom. So now I’m making my mom tell me the whole plot in case I run into her again someday.”

“That should definitely help next time you see her Luchino.” Marti said encouragingly. Luca gets up and walks to the bar.

“Luca, could you get me a vodka drink please?” Elia can feel his hands getting sweaty and a proper drink could help him relax. Gio walks behind Luca, planning on helping him bring the drinks back to the table. Marti looks at Elia and excuses himself before getting up to use the restroom. Elia is alone at the table now. He wipes his hands on the leather booth before taking out his phone again.

15:25 – Elia: “Yeah, that sounds good!”

_“It’s only 15:25, how am I supposed to go calmly wait almost 24 hours before our next date? A date in his apartment! Shit... I need to chill. No, what I need is to convince the guys to hang out all day so I can take my mind off this. Drinks need to be involved.”_

The boys are back, the new drinks are on the table and Elia’s phone is now inside his backpack. Elia knows himself: if he has it at hand he will check it every 10 minutes worsening his anxiety. The rest of the afternoon flies by. The alcohol kept coming and the boys drank it; they had a good time. No phones were checked, for fours at least.

After a quick stop to buy some alcohol and a change of scenery the boys are now at Niccolo’s apartment. Elia sits down in the living room feeling dizzy. His body sinks into the leather couch. He might be tipsy but he knows he has text his father to let him know he will be home late. Especially since his battery is almost dead.

_“10% left… Maybe it’s for the best, I don’t trust myself today. I want to text Filippo but I know I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just start drinking water. We should all probably eat too. I’ll have some water after I finish this beer.”_

He didn’t.

The music, the beer and the company proved to be the perfect distraction to Elia’s worries. A little after his dad replied to his text message his phone died. After that he let himself go.

Unreachable to the outside world, drink after drink, everything started to become a blur. Like the passersby from inside the pub, the boys became spots of color, moving to the beat of the music. Elia watched from the couch, comfortably drowning in between the cushions.

Eyes closed, he felt himself sink in the couch, feeling the cold leather against his face. A similar coldness to when he touched Filippo’s cheek with the palm of his hand in the rain. Elia cuddles the cushion thinking of him. How they ran holding hands seeking shelter from the storm. Elia tries to replay the whole date with Filippo in his head. He allows himself to drift off, not hearing his friends or the music anymore. He feels disconnected, alone in his own world. At least until his body is being pulled up by the hands.

“Elia, come.”

“Filippo? Where are we going?” Elia half opens his eyes.

“Filippo? What? It’s me, Nico. Come to the kitchen. Let’s drink some water. Are you hungry?”

Elia gets up and stumbles as he’s gripping unto Niccolo’s arm. Everything’s fuzzy. Without Nico, he wouldn’t know where to walk.

“Not too hungry, but I should eat. Thanks Nico. Did everyone leave?” Elia’s eyes wander, looking for the boys, as they walk towards the kitchen.

“No, they went outside to smoke. My parents are not coming home tonight but I don’t want the apartment to be filled with smoke. They wanted to wake you up but I told them to let you rest.”

The chair in the kitchen is not as comfortable as the couch. Elia wants to go back to the living room. This chair doesn’t remind him of Filippo, the couch did. The coffee Nico just poured himself does though.

“I had a coffee that smelled exactly like that yesterday at a café close to my house,” Elia slurred.

“Oh yeah? Haha that’s good Elia.” Nico only had one beer, so he’s finding drunk Elia amusing.

The alcohol is making it difficult for Elia to sit straight. He leaned forward, his face centimeters away from Nico’s cup on the table. The smell feels stronger now, he breaths in and smiles.

“Yeah, it was a great coffee. Just perfect.”

“Now you should drink water, not coffee though. Water will help you”, Nico slid the cup away from Elia. “I’m going to cook some pasta for everyone. You can stay here with me as you drink some water.”

Elia sits up straight and Nico gives him a tall glass of cold water. Holding it with both hands, Elia has a drink, accidentally spilling it all over his on his shirt. Nico is walking from side to side, dropping pans, and opening almost every cabinet taking out all the ingredients for his pasta. He walks by Elia, seating down on the chair by the door, noticing the stains in his shirt. He loudly drops the racks of spices on the table, grabs a kitchen towel by the sink and throws it to Elia. Elia jumps, surprised to suddenly feel a damp clothe on his face.

“Use it to wipe the water you spilled on the table and your shirt”, Nico explains after noticing Elia’s confused face. “It’s a bit damp but it will do. Do you want more water?”

The fragrance of whatever Nico was cooking started to fill up the kitchen. Looking up, after wiping off the stains in his shirt, Elia sees Nico putting every spice he can find inside the saucepan. The smell of garlic and tomato sauce is making his stomach growl. After not having much to eat in the afternoon, he’s might be hungrier than expected.

“Yes, more water would be nice, thanks. Although a bit of whatever you’re cooking would be better.”

“Don’t worry, I’m cooking for everyone. Give me your glass, I’ll pour more water for you.”

Niccolo stops stirring the sauce and walks over to Elia, extending his hand. Elia gets up and walks slowly towards Nico, feeling dizzy as he gives him the empty glass. Niccolo fills it up quickly and helps Elia back to the chair.

Another big gulp of cold water goes down Elia’s dry throat. The water and Nico’s company is helping him feel better, less sleepy. A splash of cold water on his face might help too. It’s probably around 21:00 now, so he has about two hours before he should start walking back home. The sooner he starts to sober up before getting home the better.

“Nico? Could I use your restroom?” Elia chugs the whole glass as he helps himself up with the table.

“Of course Elia, it’s down the corridor. The pasta will be done shortly.”

Elia goes out the kitchen, turning right towards the front door. He walks slowly, staring at the bathroom door trying to regain his ability to focus. Even if he feels more hydrated, the dizziness isn’t going away yet.

The bathroom is illuminated by the moonlight coming in from the small window. Elia stands in the dark in front of the sink. After some time, he finally turns on the light and sees his reflection on the mirror. Tired eyes look back at him. With his open palms under the running faucet he splashes water on his face. He instantly feels more alert thanks to the cold water. He crouches over the sink, washing his face for a few moments, before fixing his hair in the mirror. The heavy footsteps and laughter outside the door lets him know that everyone is back from smoking outside.

Elia goes out the corridor, the smell of Nico’s cooking gets stronger as he reaches the kitchen door. Four boys with four plates in the hands standing by the stove turn around to look at him, standing by the door.

“You’re plate is already on the table Elia, come sit”, Niccolo smiles at him, holding a full glass of water in his other hand. “You wanted more water right?”

He wastes no time and sits down in front of his plate of food. Elia nods at Nico, mouth full of pasta already. After swallowing the first bite he thanks Nico for cooking.

“Thanks Nico, I was so hungry!”

“Yeah Nico, you’re the best”, Luchino hugs Nico by the neck as the rest sit down around the table.

The next few minutes there’s only silence in the apartment. The only sounds heard is five hungry mouths chewing on freshly cooked pasta with tomato sauce. After the first bite, when he realized truly how hungry he was, Elia didn’t say another word. He devoured his plate in record time. An extra serving of pasta and two glasses of water later, he’s back in the living room laughing with the boys.

Again at the couch, but now with a full stomach, Elia sits up trying to stay awake. He’s feeling a bit more sober, but he’s still pretty tired. He’s not sure if the nap helped or if it made him feel sleepier. Maybe it’s the fact that he just wants to lie down and think about Filippo. Either way, he should leave soon, his bed is calling him.

“What time is it? My phone is dead.”

Elia pushes himself up from the couch, quickly glancing towards the door, looking for his backpack and shoes. He steps over Luca, who is seating down on the floor. He sees his things on the floor, by the kitchen door. Nico, who is standing by the record player, turns towards Elia as he takes out his phone to check the time.

“Uhm, it’s 22:15 Elia. Are you going to leave now?”

Elia nods leaning against the wall, putting his shoes back on. Standing on one leg, as he ties his shoelaces, makes him realize how tired he really is. In an ideal world he would crash at Nico’s. He would probably suggest it but Elia knows he should sleep at home tonight. Getting in trouble with his father is something he will avoid at all costs. There’s no way he will risk having to stay at home and miss a second date with Filippo.

Shoes on and backpack on his shoulder, he says goodbye to the boys.

“Are you able to get home by yourself? Maybe you should sleep here tonight. You can crash in the couch”, Nico tries to convince Elia it might not be a good idea to leave in that condition. He looks at the couch. The soft cushions look so inviting that they’re making it difficult for him to admit he really needs to go.

“I’m fine, I promise. I’ve been drinking water for the last hour and a half. The food helped a lot too. It’s only a 20 minute walk anyway.”

“Ok, ok.” Gio nods approvingly. If Gio thinks it’s ok, then it must be. Marti and Luca nod too, agreeing with him.

“I’ll walk you outside Elia.”

Nico kisses Marti’s cheek and walks out the living room, towards the hallway were Elia is putting his coat and scarf on. It’s warm inside the apartment, but he knows the sooner he puts the coat on the better. A chilly winter night awaits him outside the building. Nico grabs his own coat and they both head out the door.

“You didn’t have to walk me out Nico”.

“I know, I just wanted to make sure you were ok”, Nico says, putting his hand on Elia shoulder.

“I’m much better now thanks to you. Well, and the water and pasta haha”.

“Yeah, yeah. I just think it’s better if you at least take a taxi home. I’ll get one for you outside.”

They’re almost out the building now. By the sound of it, there’s a strong wind outside. Elia reaches the front door first and grabs the door handle. The metal feels cold against his skin. Maybe it’s a good idea to take a taxi. It’s too cold outside and he needs to lie down soon.

“You’re right, I should take a taxi home. Thanks Nico, you’re the best.”

He opens the door and a strong cold breeze quickly hits him. Nico walks straight ahead and holds up his arm, waiting for a taxi to show up. The don’t have to wait long, two minutes later Elia is in the back seat counting the time until he’s inside the apartment.

Elia looks out the window, lights and silhouettes fly by as the car speeds through Rome at night. All this movement is making him feel dizzy. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the window. The cold glass against his forehead feels uncomfortable. He sits up again just as the driver reaches his street. The taxi was a good idea.

The taxi was warm, but it didn’t compare to how good it feels to finally be inside the apartment. It’s pitch black, but Elia knows his way around. The phone is finally charging on his nightstand as he’s getting ready for bed. One glass of water later he’s inside the covers. His phone lights up, its 22:47 and he has 3 unread messages.

20:57 – Filippo: “My friends are making me take shots as if we haven’t seen each other in months. Can we make proper hangover plans? A pizza and water kind of afternoon? Lol”

22:29 – Filippo: “Maybe pizza, water and aspirins would be a better combo.”

That plan sounds perfect, Elia knows he will feel the consequences of his drinking tomorrow.

22:49 – Elia: “Pizza, water, aspirins and movie.”

Lying on his side he puts his phone on the pillow, directly next to his face. He can’t seem to keep his eyes open. He pulls up the covers, completely covering his face. Inside the cocoon, his body feels relaxed, ready to fall asleep. The phone screen lights up. Opening his eyes, he sees Filippo replied.

22:51 – Filippo: “Pizza, water, aspirins, a movie and you.”


	11. Five minutes is not enough time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hung over but excited, Elia gets ready to spend a quiet Saturday with Filippo at his apartment.

The sun comes up at 06:55 that Saturday morning. In Elia’s room, there would be no way of knowing this if it wasn’t for a opening in the curtains that’s letting a small ray of light sneak inside. It begins by illuminating the back wall but, unbeknown to a sleeping Elia, it’s moving down slowly, straight towards the bed.

A few minutes later, the ray of light lands on his face. Feeling the warm touch of the sun, a hung over Elia wakes up. The clock on the wall says it’s only 07:20. He pulls up the covers over his head and turns around; his back to the window. It’s too early to be up, he’s too hung over to be up. Closing his eyes again, he tries to go back to sleep but the dryness in his throat it’s making this difficult. Water, he needs some water, but there’s no water in his room. If he wants a glass, he’ll have to go to the kitchen.

Even if the sun is out, it’s still winter in Rome. It’s cold outside in the street and it’s probably cold in the kitchen too. Elia is definitely not cold inside the cocoon of blankets he made in his bed though. What will prevail? The desire to be comfortable inside the covers longer, or the increasing need to quench his thirst? He needs a little longer to decide. His hand pops out from under the blankets, grabbing his phone from the nightstand.

22:49 – Elia: “Pizza, water, aspirins and movie.”

22:51 – Filippo: “Pizza, water, aspirins, movie and you.”

22:52 – Elia: “Sounds perfect, lets text tomorrow to figure out the time. Have fun tonight.”

22:55 – Filippo: “I will! Goodnight”

It’s 07:25 and there are no new texts. It is early and Filippo probably went to bed late last night. He won’t be up anytime soon. This means there’s no rush, Elia can get up now and go back to sleep after he has something to drink. 

One limb at a time, he gets out from under the blankets and slowly gets up. He puts on a sweater and walks to the door. Outside the room the curtains are wide open, letting the winter sun in. Squinting into the sunlight, Elia walks out his room.

“Good morning Elia”, his dad greets him lying on the couch, looking up from a book he was reading. “You’re up early.”

“Good morning dad. Yeah, I didn’t close the curtain completely and the sun woke me up. Is there any fresh bread?”

Elia doesn’t wait for his dad to answer and walks into the kitchen. His headache makes it impossible to handle the brightness of the living room. Inside the kitchen Elia hears his dad say there’s bread and coffee on the table. He grabs a piece and takes a bite. It’s hard to swallow with a dry mouth. The coffee is still warm so he pours himself a cup after chugging two glasses of water. He sits down to enjoy the coffee.

“Dad”, Elia yells from the kitchen. “I’m going out later today.”

He silently waits for his dad’s response. Being out late two days in a row is not allowed in the Santini household.

“Again? Where are you going?” His father finally answers.

“I, umm, Luchino and I have a project we have to get done today. We need to send it to the rest of our group tonight so they can finish their part tomorrow.”

For his dad, school always comes first, so this lie will help his case more than telling the truth. His father has not said a word yet. Being in separate rooms makes it hard to predict if he is buying the story or not. Elia speaks up again. 

“We’re going to meet up at his house around 18:00, when he comes back from a family lunch. We have to finish today, so I will be home very late. I might even stay over.”

Now that was a risk, a big one. Not only is Elia saying he will go out again today, but that he will either be home late or not at all. He stands still, coffee in one hand and bread in the other, waiting for his dad to reply.

“Ok.”

Ok? Just ok? Elia exhales, the risk paid off. He should go back to his room before his dad asks any more questions. Holding two pieces of bread and a full glass of water, he walks back avoiding eye contact. 

With the door closed and the curtain fixed, Elia gets under the covers again. After taking one last bite of bread, he turns over and falls back to sleep.

* * *

Contrary to his expectations, the sun never went away. Even, at 17:12, you can still see it strong up in the sky. A false sense of spring in the middle of February. There are quite a few people outside, light sweaters but no scarfs in sight. Elia knows better though. He plans on being out late so he’ll be ready when the temperature drops later that night. With the coat in his hand he gets on the bus. The surprising weather meant that a lot of people wanted to enjoy the day outdoors, so the bus is packed. There are no empty seats left. Elia is standing by to the door as the bus takes him to Filippo’s apartment.

They speed up past the park where Filippo and Elia first talked. He looks out the window and smiles. Taking out his phone, he snaps a picture of the trees in the park as some type of souvenir but it comes out blurry. He deletes it and opens Filippo’s messages. 

11:12 – Filippo: “Morning! There’s a chance I might be dead. I’m so hung over…”

11:22 – Elia: “Haha. I was wondering when you were going to wake up.”

11:23 – Filippo: “I got up to get some water, but I’ll go back to sleep some more. Do you want to come over around 17:30?”

11:25 – Elia: “Yes, that works for me. See you then!”

The bus stops right by the park. Elia looks up from his phone as most of the passengers get out. He quickly moves towards a now empty seat next to the window. It feels like a déjà vu. He’s taken back to a few days ago, when he was seating down on the bus on his way to meet Filippo; to the day when they first kissed. It’s the same bus route but this ride feels different, Elia is not nervous. He’s not feeling anxious anymore. He actually feels happy, excited even.

A different déjà vu feeling is triggered when Elia gets off the bus at Filippo’s street. The smell of almond cake from the corner bakery hits him when a costumer opens the door to go in. It’s the same almond smell that kept him company last Thursday when he counted the minutes before letting Filippo know he was already outside his building. Without thinking twice, Elia walks inside the bakery and buys a small almond cake to share later with Filippo.

15:34 – Elia: “Filippo, I’m outside your building. Can you let me in please?” 

With the cake in hand, Elia stands outside the main door. After the sound of a loud buzz, the door unlocks. In front of the staircase, he takes a moment to breath before walking up. The nerves are back and they probably won’t go away. He exhales and starts to walk up the stairs. The higher he goes, the faster he walks. His loud steps echo inside the staircase.

_“Just one more floor I think.”_

His guess is correct, the apartment is on the next floor. As the goes up the last flight, from the staircase, he sees a pair of shoes standing in the hallway. They belong to Filippo. He’s standing outside with the door open. The butterflies are back. It might be from running up the stairs or the fact that Filippo looks absolutely gorgeous, but Elia’s heartbeat is getting faster by the second. Both boys smile as soon as they made eye contact.

“Hi.” Elia slows down his pace as he approaches the door. He’s panting, trying to catch his breath.

“Hi Elia.” Filippo moves away from the door, letting him in. “Oh! Is that cake?”

“Yes, I bought it from the bakery downstairs.”

Filippo takes the cake off his hand and puts it on a table by the door as Elia hangs his coat. He starts to walk into the living room but Filippo grabs his wrist and pulls him back.

“Wait, no, no, where you going? Come here.” Filippo wraps his arms around Elia.

“Hi Elia”, he softly whispers hugging him. He feels his breath on his neck, sending shivers down his spine.

“H- hi Filo”

“Ok, come to the kitchen with me. I got some pizza from a place down the street. Are you hungry?”

Just like that, the hug is over as suddenly as it began. Filippo casually walks away, leaving Elia alone by the entrance door. His eyes opening again after being closed for the short seconds when his head was resting on Filippo’s shoulder during the hug. 

In the kitchen, Filippo is pouring himself a glass of water when Elia finally joins him. Are they going to eat pizza in the kitchen? Is Filippo just grabbing a glass of water before heading to the living room? Should Elia sit down at the table or should he wait by the door? He has no idea what the plan is; the nerves are definitely back.

Elia’s eyes follow Filippo as he moves around the kitchen. It seems at least Filippo knows what the plan is. He first grabs a metal tray, next two empty glasses. He takes two small plates from the cupboard by the window before putting the salt, pepper and olive oil on the table. There’s a clear logic behind the order in which he’s taking things out. This is not the first time Filippo has done this.

“You’ve done this before”, Elia states matter-of-factly, smirking at him from the door.

Filippo is caught by surprise. He’s kneeling by the oven, where the pizza is keeping warm. Without looking at Elia, he chuckles.

“What do you mean?” 

The pizza is on the table and Filippo is back at it, walking quickly around the kitchen, grabbing everything they’ll need to eat.

Filippo is a young university student that lives alone. Elia is not dumb, he knows he’s not first one to come round for pizza and a movie, and that’s ok. He is not insecure enough to let this bother him, it’s just fun to tease Filippo. 

“This seems rehearsed. It’s as if you’ve practice the exact order you need to grab everything before we eat. Is this because you always do this for Ele? ”

“Ele’s a grown girl, she can do things herself”, Filippo laughs. “I’ve had guys over before. Truth be told, if food is involved, I always get pizza from the same place. I guess you could say I’ve done this a few times haha.”

“I could tell, I’m just teasing you”, Elia laughs grabbing the tray and walking back towards the door.

“I know, I know. Come on, let’s sit on the couch and watch some tv.” Filippo playfully nudges Elia out the door.

The sun is setting outside the kitchen window. As they walk back to the living room Elia sees their shadows projected on the wooden floor. The apartment is dark, so Filippo walks in front, guiding Elia towards the couch. As they sit down, Elia realizes that the nerves he felt a few minutes ago are gone. Them joking around is probably the reason why he’s now relaxed. Teasing Filippo has this effect on him. Filippo likes to tease Elia too. The texts he’s sent count more like flirting that teasing though. This made Elia nervous at first, but when he realized Filippo did it to make him blush he started to flirt back harder. It’s now a competition.

“Make yourself comfortable Elia. You can take your shoes off if you want.”

“You’re trying to get me to take something off already? I just got here Filo.”

“Haha shut up. It’s only the shoes.”

“That’s how it starts. You were probably trying to be subtle but I know what your real intentions were.”

“Trust me, there’s not a subtle fiber in my body. If it comes down to that, you’ll be sure about my intentions and with your permission, I’ll take your clothes off myself.”

Filippo won.

Elia feels his face burning up. The flirting escalated quickly and he only has himself to blame. Elia stares at his glass of water feeling glad the dim lit room hides his red cheeks. He is unsure of what to say next to relieve a little bit of the tension that now fills the air. Filippo smirks as he reaches out to grab the remote control from the coffee table. 

“You’re dealing with a professional flirter Elia.”

Filippo turns on the television and the tv screen lights the previously dark room. Elia looks straight ahead, but he can feel him staring from the corner of his eye. He turns and sees him proudly grinning at Elia, who starts to blush profusely again.

“Come on Santini, what do you feel like watching?”

“You choose. Nothing too serious or I might fall asleep. I’m hung over, you know.”

“Reality television it is!”

Filippo takes no more than half a second to choose a show. It begins with a recap of the last episode. Elia has never seen the show before and has a hard time following the storyline. He quickly gives up on trying to understand what is going on. Instead his mind wanders to how enjoyable this moment is. The couch is so comfortable, the pizza is delicious and Filippo is next to him. A few minutes in, Filippo pulls out a large cotton blanket and throws it over them. It’s big enough to cover them both, but he scoots closer to Elia anyway. They’re so close that Elia can feel their arms touching under the blanket. Filippo’s skin feels soft against his. 

The sun has finished setting. The television screen is the sole source of light inside. The show is loud, but Elia’s mind can only focus on Filippo and how close he is to him. At first his body was tense, but the warmness exuding off Filippo’s body calls to him. He eventually gives in and snuggles closer. Instinctively, Filippo sits up and puts an arm over Elia’s shoulder. His chest invites Elia to lay his head on it, which he gladly does.

The show plays on.

Filippo smells of fresh laundry and basil. Elia breathes him in, over and over. He plans on storing the memory of his smell in his mind to use it later. They relax in that position so long that Elia looses track of time.

The television is reduced to background noise. Elia can only focus on their breathing. Little by little, it synchronizes. They inhale, they exhale, they inhale, they exhale. With all of his attention on their breathing pattern, his eyes start to feel heavy. He doesn’t fight it. With his eyes closed, Elia allows his head to move in unison with Filippo’s chest as they breathe. With every breath, he recounts each individual smell he can recognize as he dozes off.

_“…lavander fabric softner…”_

_“…basil…”_

_“…olive oil…”_

_“…pep-”_

A loud thud abruptly snaps him out of it. He sits up and opens his eyes. He looks around trying to figure out what caused the noise but the television screen blinds him, unabling him from doing so. 

“It was this book”, Filippo explains to a confused Elia. “I kicked it off the table to wake you up.”

“I was so comfortable Filo!” He softly punches Filippo in the arm.

“Too comfortable if you ask me. As adorable as you looked sleeping, I wasn’t getting enough attention.”

Elia laughs, sitting sideways on the couch, facing Filippo. Filippo sits facing Elia and turns off the tv. The room is pitch black now.

“Filippo haha we can’t see anything now.”

Elia feels him getting up the couch. From the sound of the footsteps, he’s walking away from Elia.

Flick.

The ceiling lights instantaneously illuminate the whole room. Elia’s eyes adjust to the brightness. He looks down, rubbing his eyes and sees the state of the room. The plates are on top of each other, used napkins all over the couch, the blanket is on the floor, and the book Filippo dropped to wake him up is still on the ground. Filippo walks back to the couch, notices the mess but decides to ignore it. He sits back down and they face each other again.

“Do you want something to drink? The TV might put us to sleep. I much rather have a drink and talk.”

Elia agrees. He slept so much during the day he no longer feels that hung over anymore. A drink would be nice.

“Do you have any beer? We can have some beer and the cake I bought.” Elia’s proposition is met with some resistance.

“What about wine instead of beer? I have some bottles in the kitchen. I’ll go get them.”

Elia stays on the couch as Filippo goes to get the wine. He waits, tapping his foot on the floor. Grabbing the wine seems to be taking a while. Elia decides to make himself useful and starts to clean up the mess. A minute later, the blanket is back on the couch, the garbage is inside the empty pizza box and everything else is on the tray. On his way to the kitchen to put the dirty dishes in the sink, he runs into Filippo balancing a few bottles in his hands.

“Sorry, I didn’t know what you liked, so I grabbed a few different ones to choose from. You didn’t have to clean up by the way. If you’re this handy I might have you over often.”

Elia raised an eyebrow, smiling.

“I’m not going to come over to clean you know.”

“We’ll reach a compromise later, don’t worry. Just leave the tray in there”, Filippo points with his shoulder towards the kitchen. “Can you bring the cake when you come back to the living room, please?”

Elia nods.

They’re back on the couch, almond cake on the coffee table and wine in their glasses. When Elia drinks alcohol he doesn’t do it like this though. If there’s alcohol in his glass, his first instinct is to chug it, but tonight is not that kind of night. Instead of finishing the glass quickly, he takes a small sip. Too small of a sip apparently, because Filippo’s glass is almost empty while Elia’s has barely come down.

“You don’t like the wine?” Filippo asks.

“Yes, I do. It’s fine. I mean, I normally don’t drink wine but I like it. But it’s not that, I’m trying to drink it slowly, that’s all.” Elia admits. “Usually when I drink I’m out partying, so I tend to drink faster. I don’t want to get drunk tonight so I’m taking my time.”

“That’s good, because I wouldn’t get to kiss you if you get drunk.”

Elia puts his glass on the table and take a bite of the cake. 

“Why?”

“I don’t like making out with drunk people. I like knowing they’re kissing me because they want to, not because they’re drunk.”

To Elia this makes sense, but it’s not something he relates to. He can’t remember the last time he kissed someone without being drunk. Usually at parties he gets drunk with the contrabbandieri, they hang out for a while until Elia leaves to mingle with the crowd and find someone to flirt with and possibly kiss. 

“From what Marti has told me, I assume you usually kiss people whilst drunk, right?” Filippo teases Elia, putting his glass on the table.

“Omg, what has Marti been saying?” Elia laughs annoyed. Filippo’s friendship with Marti has given him an advantage over Elia. He already knows a few stories about Elia apparently. “Can you just tell me what Marti said, or the assumptions you have of me? It doesn’t feel fair that you have way more information about me than I do about you.”

“Haha fine, but truth be told, I don’t know much. I know of a few drunken stories: when you squeezed Luca inside a suitcase, the time all four of you threw up at the same time outside a party, something about you being into a girl from Argentina. Marti hasn’t said much really.”

“If those are they stories you’ve heard, then you must think I’m an immature teenager that spends every weekend drinking haha.”

Immature.

That’s the last word he wants to be described as. Filippo wouldn’t waste his time with someone he’d consider immature. Hopefully he doesn’t think this of his. An expectant Elia looks down at the wine glass in his hands.

“It’s not immature to go out and drink. Who doesn’t like to party? I go out dancing a lot. I’m hardly at home. I will admit I was a little bit surprised when we first talked by the park last week though. If I’m honest, because of Marti’s stories I did assume you were a player, an intense party guy, but that day you seemed mature, calm and charming. It was surprising.

Calm. Filippo remembers him as calm that day… calm. Elia is shocked.

“Calm?! I was so nervous that day! At least at the beginning I was. I’m actually a very anxious person, but in a social setting with alcohol involved the anxiety goes away. That day at the park I was extremely nervous. I was not expecting, nor was I mentally prepared, to run into you that day. You’re very intimidating, you know. I was trying to make a good enough impression that you’d join me and the others at the pub.”

“You were awkward at first, that’s true, but it didn’t last long. The moments that stayed with me were the ones afterwards. I got the sense that you were mature, calm and charming from the time we spent at the bench; when we made up stories about the people at the park. You were confident, funny and easygoing. You made me feel at ease after I shared a little about myself without planning to. I figured that it was then, when your guard was down, that you allowed people to see a glimpse into how you are when feel comfortable. I think when we’re comfortable is when we show our true selves.”

Elia chuckles. Filippo and him are seating on the couch, facing each other without saying a word. The room remains quiet for a while. Neither feels the pressure to speak or move; they’re comfortable in this stillness. A stillness that allows Elia to think about what Filippo just said.

“Am I right thinking that about you?” Filippo quietly asks, finally breaking the silence.

“I guess you are”, Elia replies. “I do see those qualities in myself, but not always. I don’t know how to explain it… So, do you sometime feel that you act differently depending on where you are or whom you are with? The impression you had of me from Marti’s stories is correct, but I also see myself as how you described me from that day at the park, even if it seems you’re talking about two different people. I don’t know. I think that if Luca, for example, were to tell my dad I’m funny, how I’m confident around girls at parties, that I never refuse a dare like eating a large pizza in under two minutes, he wouldn’t believe him. The same will happen if you were to tell Luca or my father you think I’m calm and mature. Or if my dad would describe me to you guys-”

Elia is unsure if he’s making sense. He does consider himself to be mature. He’s proven that with how he handles his father’s outburst and how he had to quickly grow up after his mom left. He considers himself to be calm too. He takes the time to tidy his room, enjoying the quiet moments to clean and how that relaxes him mentally. He’s also confident, at parties at least. With alcohol anyone could be. The contrabbandieri know if someone were to shy away from the challenge of picking up a girl, it would not be Elia. So if Filippo asks Elia if he is calm, mature and easygoing, Elia’s truthful answer would be “I adapt.”

“–I’m all of that”, Elia continues. “I just feel I change - adapt, let’s use adapt, to the situation and the people in it. What I mean is that I’ve learned how I’m expected to act depending on the context and that’s what I do most of the time. So, if I’m honest I don’t know how to answer your question. I see those qualities in me, but sometimes, I also see others that contradict them. Am I making sense? Do you feel like that too?”

Filippo looks at Elia contemplating on the last question.

“I understand what you’re saying. I think I have felt like that before. What I’ve come to realize it’s that we’re not only just one thing. A person who has a hard time initiating a conversation with a stranger, but becomes talkative as soon as the conversation starts, can consider themselves to be shy. One does not negate the other. Outsiders who observe the first minute of the interaction could describe that person as shy. Others, who only see the end of that conversation, would describe them as outgoing. Who is to say which one is a more real depiction of their personality? Only the person can, I think. We can also define ourselves by our own standards and not just by how others perceive us. I guess you just need to consider, out of all the words people around you use to describe you, which ones you identify with?”

The question is too much for Elia. Even if Filippo phrased it in a way that makes perfect sense, Elia has no energy to think of an honest answer to such a deep question right now. Thankfully, Filippo continues talking.

“Anyway, what you say does make sense. Within myself a see a difference in the way I am with people and the way I am when I’m alone. I think I adapt too. At least my energy does. Usually I’m calm, I’m observant. In groups I’m never like that though. That’s when high energy, confident Filippo makes an appearance-”

“No, no, spoiler!” Elia interrupts Filippo, covering his mouth with his hand. Filippo’s eyes are wide open, confused at what just happened.

“Sorry”, Elia laughs. “I wanted to share my first impression of you, to assume your personality, your interests based on what I can observe. You started to give me more information that what I needed.”

Filippo grabs Elia’s hand and takes it off his mouth. They both chuckle as Filippo gives Elia a strange look.

“You should consider adding “weird” to the list of adjectives that you might identify with.”

Elia teasingly pokes Filippo’s stomach but Filippo quickly moves away, standing up. They’re both laughing now. The serious mood is gone.

“Come on then”, Filippo extends his hand towards Elia. “You want to try to figure me out just by observing, don’t you? I’ll give you five minutes inside my room and then you have to tell me what you’ve learnt.”

He just invited Elia to his room. The nerves are back. Elia looks up at him and grabs Filippo’s hand. This is the second time that that night that he’s is being guided through the dark apartment. Trusting Filippo won’t crash him into a wall, he let’s go. The layout is unknown to Elia, he doesn’t know if they have to turn left or right, but he does know where they’re going.

Filippo’s bedroom.

Filippo walks confidently, Elia mimics his steps one foot behind. Their slow pace contrasts with how fast Elia’s heart is beating. Nervously, he scratches his neck with his free hand. It’s sweaty. His right hand, the one Filippo is holding, is probably sweaty too. Filippo is not letting go though.

Eventually they reach the bedroom. Filippo opens the door and Elia goes in first, letting go of his hand. Elia is standing somewhere inside a pitch-black room. The safety of Filippo’s touch is gone; he relies only on his senses to move around now. He hears the sound of the door close behind him. Is Filippo inside the room too? Where’s the light switch?

Flick.

The light is on. By the door, Filippo grins at Elia’s confused look.

“Go on, the five minutes started already.” Filippo stacks his pillows, one on top of the other, before jumping on the bed. With his hands on the back of his head, Filippo daringly looks at Elia.

It’s too much to take in at once. This room is very different to his own bedroom. Elia’s room is pretty simple, there’s not much on the walls apart from a few movie posters. That’s not the case with Filippo’s room. Even though the only furniture inside is a queen-sized bed, a dresser and a desk, the room feels overwhelming. He doesn’t know where to look, there’s too much around him.

Filippo is not afraid of color, Elia knows this by the outfits he wears, but these walls are something else. They are collages made out of splashes of colors, textures and fabrics. Without any perceivable logic to their placement, on the wall Elia sees how photographs, drawings, post-its and decorative items create one single, large piece of self-expression.

He moves to the center of the room and stands in front of the bed, facing Filippo. Filippo is proudly grinning at him. He’s well aware the overload of information is making it difficult for Elia to concentrate. Elia rolls his eyes at Filippo and looks around. The furniture is simple; all pieces were painted the same color of white. As expected, there are books and decorations on the table, clothes on top of the dresser and a rainbow flag above his bed. Nothing that really catches his eye there.

“You have two and a half minutes left Santini”, Filippo taunts Elia.

“What? No, I need more time. There’s too much stuff here, I can’t concentrate.”

“That’s not my problem, after the time is up I’m turning off the lights.”

“Oh my god, you’re so annoying haha”

The left wall is the busiest one. Elia walks up to it to inspect each item closely. Most of the papers pinned to the wall are sketches, probably work done at university. Others are ripped pieces of paper with quotes and handwritten poems. Elia skims through some texts.

_“O you youths, Western youths,_

_So impatient, full of action, full of manly pride and friendship,_

_Plain I see you Western youths, see you tramping with the foremost,_

_Pioneers! O pioneers!” - Walt Whitman_  

He continues to move. Elia’s eyes scan the series of black and white photographs by the window next. All of them are of Eleonora. She looks no older than thirteen in all of them. In some pictures she’s outside gardening, in others she’s cooking in the kitchen. They’re all taken up close, so close you can almost see Filippo and his camera reflected on her eyes.

His attention diverts to the cluster of pictures by the door. These were taken during pride marches. They’re colorful photographs of joyful crowds of people. Under each photograph Filippo wrote the year the picture was taken, most of them say 2018. 

The rest of the wall is covered in used concert tickets, lists on post-its and smaller items Elia was unable to recognize before his time runs out.

Flick.

Filippo turns off the light. 

“Ugh, Filo… Five minutes is not enough time, have you seen your walls?”

“It was more than enough time. Begin telling me what you found out.”

“First, I can confirm you enjoy annoying me a lot.”

“That’s true, what else?”

Elia the sound of Filippo jumping back on the bed.

“You like art, specially photography.”

“That’s true.” 

“Eleonora is very important to you. Her pictures were always on top of anything else. It seems she’s comfortable posing for you, that she trusts you, so you must be close.”

“Ok”, the ruffling fabric means Filippo is moving again.

“I think you’re comfortable with change. I could tell from the holes that you constantly moving, adding and taking off things from your walls.”

“Ok” 

Filippo’s voice sounds closer now.

“There are a lot of quotes, poems and drawings by other artists. But I think that even though you admire their work, you’re main inspiration to make art is the people, places, ideas and situations around you.”

“Ok”

This last response gave Filippo away. Elia is still standing in the middle of the room; in the same spot he was in when the light went off. He has not moved but Filippo clearly has.

“You now, you’ve refused to turn back on the light for so long that my eyes already adjusted to the dark? I can see you’re seating on the edge of the bed in front of me.”

“Well then you’ll see me getting up to kiss you then.” 

Elia fells Filippo’s fingers caressing his hands. He closes his eyes, feeling the same fingers go up his arms, causing a shiver down his spice. Standing still in the dark, Elia waits for Filippo to make the next move. It was then, when he felt Filippo’s breath on his mouth, just moments before their lips touched, when Elia knew he was definitely not going to spend the night at home.


	12. The hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like almost every past Thursday, the contrabbandieri make plans to hang out. A hungry, restless and annoyed Elia ends up sharing with the boys more than he expected to.

The sound of people chattering and metal chairs screeching on the tile floor as they’re being pushed out of the way means that school is finally over for the day. To Elia, this goes unnoticed, as he’s too busy intensively staring at his phone, just like he’s been all week. The last few days, Elia has been either writing a text, reading a text or waiting for a text. A pink haired boy is the one to blame for this. Filippo and Elia have been texting non-stop since they last saw each other on Sunday. Even after spending the weekend together, they still talked over the phone until 1:00 that night. The next morning, getting out of bed proved to be extremely difficult for Elia. It was in that moment when he understood the need of a plan to prevent Filippo from becoming a distraction to his schoolwork.

On Monday morning after breakfast, Elia came up with a rule for himself: “No texting at school”. On Tuesday the rule changed to “No texting during classes”. On Wednesday the rule became “Texting is allowed only every other class”. Today, on Thursday the rule has been completely discarded.

There’s guilt about the possibility of falling behind at school again, but that feeling is overpowered by the sheer happiness of finding someone he made a real connection with. Even if the guilt is strong, it goes away instantly with the sound of the last bell. School being over means guilt free time to text and that’s exactly what Elia was doing when Marti and Gio walked to his seat, in the back of the class, as everyone left.

“Elia, Elia, Elia… again with the texting!” Gio teases, approaching with Marti by his side. “We’re hanging out today right? Let’s meet in the cafeteria in about an hour and we can grab something to eat.”

Elia nods, agreeing to the plan. Spending Thursdays together has become somewhat of a tradition. Today, everyone but Elia has some things to get done before hanging out. Marti has a radio meeting and Gio has to finish some schoolwork. Even Luchino is busy taking an exam. This means Elia will have to wait alone for some time. He get’s up and they walk out the class, heading in separate directions as they go out the door. 

Elia turns right, walking towards the cafeteria in search of an empty table to wait for his friends. From the door, he sees one in the middle of the room. Normally, he would never consider seating down there because it can get pretty hectic when the cafeteria is packed, but lately, everything becomes background noise when he’s texting Filippo, so it will be fine.

He manages to reach the table before anyone else does, claiming it by throwing his stuff over three empty chairs, saving them for his friends. Finally seating down with his feet up on the chair next to him, Elia takes out his phone and scrolls back to read some of today’s messages again.

10:13 – Filippo: “Ugh… I think I don’t have anything to eat in the apartment.”

10:13 – Filippo: “I hope I find something here because I really don’t want to go out yet.”

10:16 – Filippo: “Never mind, I checked the freezer and I found some peanuts.”

10:35 – Elia: “You ate frozen peanuts for breakfast?! How have you survived so long without Ele?”

11:08 – Filippo: “Shush. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. It was more of a snack. For your information, I just got back from the grocery store and I even bought celery, olives, onions and pickles. They’re all vegetables.”

12:13 – Elia: “You use those for alcoholic drinks though.”

12:14 – Filippo: “That’s besides the point. It’s step in the right direction.”

12:15 – Filippo: “How’s school? Is Marti dressed all in blue again?”

12:16 – Elia: “Hahaha you already know the answer to that question.”

12:16 – Filippo: “I asked two though.”

12:17 – Elia: “School is school and of course, it’s his signature look.”

12:18 – Filippo: “He refuses to go out shopping with me. Can you believe that?”

12:18 – Elia: “Hahaha I can if I’m honest. Will you try to get me to change the way I dress too?”

12:19 – Filippo: “Does convincing you to always be naked around me count?”

12:20 – Elia: “Not sure but you’ll have to try talking me into that later though. The teacher keeps glancing my way. I should probably start paying attention in class.”

12:21 – Filippo: “Why? School is overrated.”

Elia laughs loudly at the last text. So loudly that even the table to his right turns around startled. Elia ignores the looks. Since when is it a crime to laugh? He can’t help it if he’s happy. It’s not his fault Filippo showed up in his life, becoming the cause that the last few days have been some of the best Elia’s had all year. The way he makes Elia feel is addictive. Now, whenever the phone goes off, his heart skips a beat and the butterflies he felt when they kissed return. Filippo is always in his mind, and with every second that passes, the desire to see Filippo again increases. The weekend can’t come fast enough.

13:02 – Elia: “So how’s lunch? Did you make yourself a nice salad with all those vegetables you bought?" 

He locks the phone and looks up. The increasing noise he was trying to ignore whilst texting now makes sense. The cafeteria is starting to get crowed. From the chair he tries looking past the forming crowed blocking the view. As far as he can tell, the food line is getting longer by the minute. This is a problem because Elia is very hungry. He was hoping to buy a snack before the boys showed up, but with the amount of people coming in, it seems that if he wants to keep the table, he probably won’t get to walk up to the counter and come back without someone staying and making sure no one steals the table.

Elia forgot to bring something from home and hasn’t eating anything since breakfast. His stomach is now loudly growly, making him feel restless. Some food right about now would be good.

Elia won’t be able to look past the table next to him if he remains seated on the chair so he stands up to check if one of the guys is in the crowd. If he is to buy something to eat, he needs at least one of them to show up soon. Just when he was about to give up, right at the back of the room, he spots a familiar face. Luca is walking through the door. He stops, his eyes scanning the room, looking confused. Elia waves in his direction unsuccessfully trying to get Luca’s attention.

“Over here Luca!” Elia yells from the table.

Luca turns around in circles, searching for the voice yelling out his name. They make eye contact and Luchino smiles relieved. He pushes through the crowd, trying reach Elia. Eventually he does, exhaling loudly.

“Wow, that took longer than expected. What’s going on today? Why does it seem like the whole school is here? There’s no room to walk.” Lucchino sits down next to Elia and throws his backpack on the floor.

“How was the test?” Elia asks, seating back down.

“Bleh”, Luca answers shrugging. “Where’s Gio and Marti? I’m hungry.”

Elia’s stomach growls again. The smell of fries in the air is making his mouth water.

“I’m hungry too. I was thinking that we could buy something here while we wait for them. One of us should stay by the table, so we don’t loose it, while the other goes to buy a snack from the counter.”

“Ehm… I don’t know Elia. I’m not really craving cafeteria food. Besides, we already tried everything here, and let’s face it, the food here sucks. I can wait to eat until we go out.”

“We don’t know how much longer we have to wait for them though. Even if we go to one of the places close by that I know of, we might not eat for at least an hour.”

“Oh which places are you thinking of Elia?” Luchino asks.

“There’s a new café a few blocks from the school. I went there last Sunday and the food was delicious.”

“Mmm, what did your dad think of the food though? No offense but I don’t trust your recommendations when it comes to food.”

“First of all, offense. I didn’t go with him though. More importantly, why don’t you trust me?”

“You wouldn’t go alone. Who did you go with Elia?”

“Trust my judgment Luchino”, Elia acts offended, trying to ignore the last question.

“No, I need a second opinion. Ever since I listened you and I ordered that awful anchovies sandwich I stopped trusting you when it comes to food. Who did you go with? I know you’re incapable of eating out alone." 

“I went with a friend you don’t know, so their opinion wouldn’t matter to you. Oh, I just remember I have a wattle bottle in my backpack. Do you want some? It could help with the hunger?”

Elia hopes the water bottle is enough of a distraction to prevent Luca from insisting with the intrusive questions.

It doesn’t work.

“What friend?” Luchino insists.

“Just a friend. Like I said, you don’t know them. So you want water Luca?” Elia extends the water bottle again. Luca waves it off with his hand.

“Stop forcing me to drink water. Why aren’t you answering my questions Elia? Why don’t you want to tell me who the friend is? Oh! So, a friend uh? It sounds like a date. Was it date? Did you go on a date? Who did you go on a date with?” Luchino excitedly says.

Elia remains silent, taking a long gulp from his water bottle. It seems there is no stopping Luca from trying to finding out why Elia is being so evasive.

“Why are you being so annoying today Luchino?” Elia snaps

“I’m not!” Luca laughs. “I’m just asking a question. You’re the one acting weird.”

“I’m not acting weird”, Elia answered defensively.

“Who was it then?” Luchino daringly looks at Elia. “Was it Laura? It was Laura wasn’t it? Are you guys hanging out again? Just tell me, I can tell it was a date Elia. Why are you hiding this from me?”

“Fine, I’ll tell you about it later, ok?” Elia angrily remarks.

“There’s no need to be this cranky”, Luca says stepping back.

“I’m not.” Elia sighs loudly.” Ok, maybe I am just a little. I’m sorry Luca, I’m just hungry. Can we please focus on getting some food? Let’s buy something small to share and when the guys get here we can all leave.” 

“Ok”, Luca replies. “That sounds good. I can stay here if you want. The line at the counter is very long and I’m tired from the exam.”

“You’re so lazy, that’s a terrible excuse,” Elia says rolling his eyes at Luchino. “Ok, I’ll go then." 

Elia gets up, glad to leave Luchino and that conversation behind. He can’t really blame Luca for being nosey, Elia really was acting suspicious after all. It was still very annoying though.

Still standing by the table, Elia sees the food line is extremely long, just like Luca said it was. Getting to the counter might take longer than the actual line though. The cafeteria is even more packed now. The intensity of the loud chattering around his is disorienting. Elia jumps over backpacks and chairs trying to get out of the seating area. The place is a mess, there’s even a guy seating down on the floor after he didn’t find an empty chair to sit down with his friends. Elia walks over him too. As he makes his way out of the labyrinth of tables, he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have left Luchino by himself back there. There’s a possibility he might find him on the floor, with all the chairs gone, when he returns with a snack.

Moments later, he succeeds in pushing himself out of the mob of teenagers. Elia doesn’t realize how loud the cafeteria felt from the middle of the room until he’s safely by the door. The line to buy food might be long but it’s certainly less noisy. He joins the back of the line and takes out his phone. 

13:12 – Filippo: “Ha ha. I’m heating up a risotto I bought as we speak. I might eat it in the car since I’m already later for class as it is.”

13:15 – Elia: “I heard risotto tastes better in cars anyway. I’m hanging out with my friends today. Text me later when you’re back from class?”

13:16 – Filippo: “Ok, I will. I won’t be home until late though. I’m staying after class to work on a group project and we were thinking of going out for dinner afterwards. Have fun with the guys!”

He puts his phone away and realizes the line hasn’t moved in five minutes. He’s getting restless. Where are Gio and Martio?

“Elia!” Elia turns following the voice. Martino and Gio are standing behind him.

“Finally! Guys, this place is a mess. I found a table but it’s right in the middle of that”, he points at the large crowd behind them. “The food here is not that great either. Let’s eat somewhere else.”

“Wow”, Gio laughs looking back at the tables. “Elia, don’t tell me you left Luchino alone guarding a table and three empty chairs. We’re going to find him on the floor when we get there.”

“I did. I realized my mistake as soon as I got here.”

They laugh.

“Yeah, let’s eat outside” Marti says, redirecting the conversation back to their lunch plans.

“Great, but one of us needs to go in there and rescue Luchino before we leave.” Elia jokes. “Do you guys have a preference on where to go? I was thinking we could go to the new café three blocks away from here. I went this past weekend and the food was incredible. You guys know which one I’m talki-“

“Oh! The cafe that opened last Saturday? The one with the yellow graffiti?” Martino interrupts Elia, excited about the idea of eating there. “I’m glad you suggested that place. I’ve been meaning to go since Filippo told me it was good. Let’s go there!”

Elia is tense now. Did he give himself away? Does Marti now know Filippo took Elia there on a date? The café has been open only for a few days, the chances of two people going there separately is pretty slim. Martino doesn’t seem to find it strange though. He’s on his tiptoes waving, trying to get Luchino’s attention, who is too busy drooling over a brunette standing one meter away from him to notice Martino.

“Marti, stop waving at him, he’s not going to see us.” Gio takes off his backpack and gives it to Elia. “I’ll get Luchino, wait for us here.”

Marti and Elia relax against the wall as Gio disappears into the crowd. They remain silent by the door, waiting for the others to join them so they can all leave. Elia looks at Martino from the corner of his eye to double-check he didn’t connect the dots. He seems like his usual self.

 _“Relax Elia, relax”,_ he tells himself.

The fact that two people mention the same restaurant does not mean they’re dating. Martino would not assume Elia is crazy about Filippo, that he hasn’t stopped thinking about him since they spent the day at the park, just because he ate at the same place as him. It’s all true, but Martino has no way of knowing this. Elia exhales.

“Oh look”, Marti points straight ahead.

Gio and Luca’s faces pop from behind a large group of girls. They struggle to walk around them but manage to come out quicker than expected.

“Ok, let’s get out of here.” Gio and Elia exchange backpack and the four of them walk out the door.

After the chaos inside the cafeteria, being outside feels literarily like a breath of fresh air. A cold one, but a fresh one nonetheless. There are only a few people outside. Most of them walking on the other side of the road. Elia points straight ahead towards the café, letting the rest know where to go. No one is coming their way. If the sidewalk was wider the four of them could walk together in one single line. It’s not though, so Elia walks next to Luchino. Gio and Marti walk in front, facing a strong headwind, accidentally sheltering Elia and Luca from the cold.

“Ugh”, Marti groans, covering his face. “No wonder no one is outside, it’s freezing. Let’s walk faster please.”

The café is not far away now and, at such quick pace, they’ll be there in less than a minute. After crossing the next street they see the yellow graffiti less than a block away.

“Fuck." 

Marti reaches the door first. The place is closed. They stand outside the front door, shivering, unsure on what the plan is now. They look at each other, waiting for someone to take charge and decide where to go next. No one says a word.

The sound of Elia’s stomach growling makes everyone turn in his direction. Everyone but Elia laughs; the hunger is making him cranky. He can’t take much longer. He needs food soon. What other place is close by? There has to be one that Elia can remember. He look at Marti and it suddenly hits him.

“Guys! I know!” Elia excitedly announces. “Let’s go to the pizzeria, you know, the one that’s behind the church a few blocks away.”

“Yes! Good thinking Elia.” Gio says, already walking before he finishes the sentence. He’s not planning on being out in the cold one second more than necessary. The others quickly join him, walking not far behind.

“I love that place,” Marti tells the rest.

“Which one is it again? Is it the one with that huge oven by the door?” Luca asks, catching up to Elia.

“No, that one is in the opposite direction Luchino”, Martino says. “This is the one with the hot waiter that looks like that superman actor guy.”

“Henry Cavill or that younger one?” Luchino inquires.

“He means Henry Cavill”, Elia says, looking at Luca. “He doesn’t look like him though. He clearly looks like Matt Bomer, Marti.”

“Pfff. He does not Elia”, Marti exclaims. “I’ve had this conversation with so many people and everyone agrees with me. Filippo and you are both blind, he looks exactly like that Cavill guy.”

“Filippo and Elia?” Luca interrupts Marti. “What does Filippo has to do with this?”

“This is a common discussion he and I have”, Marti clarifies. “We disagree about this waiter’s celebrity doppelganger all the time. I say it’s Henry Cavill, he says it’s Matt Bomer. Apparently Elia agrees with him again.”

Elia started walking slowly since Filippo’s name was mentioned in the same sentence as his. A flashback to last Sunday, when they walked around after having lunch at the café, pops in his mind.

“Next time let’s eat at the pizzeria behind the church. They have the best pizza in this area. Also, a waiter there looks like Matt Bomer. They look so alike you wouldn’t believe it! Well, I think he does, Marti claims he looks like Henry Cavill. What does he know? I swear that kid needs glasses, it’s so annoying he can’t see the resemblance. Anyway, the waiter is hot, let’s go there soon.”

 _“Shit, so that’s why I thought of going there a few minutes ago. It was because Filippo talked about it.”_ Elia thinks to himself.

“What do you mean agreeing with Filippo again?” Luchino asks, looking even more confused. 

From the corner of his eye, Elia feels him staring.

“Elia suggested the café we were going to eat at, the one that was closed. I told them Filippo said he came here on Sunday on a date and that it was delicious. So, if we count the Matt Bomer reference, Elia has agreed with Filippo twice in less than thirty minutes.” Marti responds.

“Wait, on Sunday?” Luchino stops on his tracks and turns towards Elia. He feels his gaze but is unable to make eye contact.

“Yeah”, Marti replies. “Anyway, let’s try the café next week. I really want to go there.”

Marti and Gio continue walking, not noticing that Luca stayed behind. After a few seconds, Elia stops walking too. He turns around, resigning himself to what’s about to happen. Exhaling loudly, he faces Luchino.

“Elia?” Luca inquires. Elia is staring back at him now too.

“Yes?” he replies, avoiding the inevitable.

Martino and Gio are now almost at the corner. Gio nudges Marti in the ribs and points back after noticing that Luca and Elia stayed behind.

“Elia, come on” Gio gestures for them to move. 

 _“Elia, come on”_ , Elia repeats inside his head. Hearing Gio’s calm voice makes a sentence that’s meant as a request to keep on moving also sounds to him as an encouragement to be open and honest with them.

Luca is still staring at Elia, expectant of some type of reaction from him. They make eye contact again and Elia takes a deep breath before finally letting go of what he’s been holding onto for a while.

“I was here with Filippo on Sunday.” 

Elia stands firmly on the ground, speaking loud and clear. Luca is standing a meter away with his eyes wide open realizing what that statement actually meant. They’re both silently looking at each other. Marti and Gio are now next to Elia after walking back.

“I mean – what I mean is that I was here last Sunday. What I’m saying is that I had lunch with Filippo on Sunday. That’s the reason why I know the food there is good. It’s why we both know that. That day we also talked about the pizzeria. I know about the Henry Cavill versus Matt Bomer debate because of him. For a second I forgot who told me about it but now I remember it was him. I remember it was Filippo.”

Elia is having a hard time explaining himself but he thinks he is making his point across.

“Just the two of you? Why?” Marti pries, unsure of what Elia is really saying. 

“Well, because – because it was a date, ok? We went on a date. I think. Well, no, I know it was a date. I went on a gay date. Ok, a bisexual date I guess. There, I said it. I’m dating Filippo.”

The boys remain silent, shocked faces looking at Elia. 

“Now, can we please go eat?" Elia continues. “I’m so hungry.

Elia walks away, leaving them behind.

“Please don’t make a big deal out of this”, he yells back at them as he turns the corner.

Martino starts laughing, not sure of what just happened. Luchino remains shocked, like a deer in headlights. Gio’s face is blank until he abruptly turns to Luchino.

“First Marti, know Elia. Are YOU going to come out in three months?” He abruptly exclaims.

Luca opens his mouth to answer but is interrupted by Elia yelling from far away.

“Guys! Food. Pizza. Come on!”

At the pizzeria, the smell of cheese fills the air. There’s silence in the table after the food was ordered. Elia looks down at the menu, avoiding eye contact with his friends, as the rest exchange awkward glances. No one is sure if they’re allowed to speak yet. They take out their phones while they wait for the food to arrive. A few minutes later, with the food on the table, they silently eat until Luchino breaks the silence.

“So Elia, are you less cranky now because you finally have something to eat or because you're happy that hot Superman waiter gave you the food?”

Elia spits out his drink. The rest of the boys laugh.

Things are back to normal.


	13. The Walk Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's now spring in Rome. Elia walks home after hanging out with his friends after school. The walk back is filled with memories of the last few months, but the nice feeling they give Elia might not last for long if his dad is on a bad mood again.

The arrival of spring marks a new beginning for Elia. Wisterias and azaleas bloom all over Rome. Their colors brighten Elia’s already sunny days. The cold winter is long gone, but the memories formed around it still linger in Elia’s mind.

It’s now late April, two months after his life took a turn for the best because of a casual stroll by the park one cold afternoon. He remembers that day as he walks at night by that same park on his way back home.

It is strange to think how much things have changed so quickly. How did two hours on a bench ignited a series of events that eventually led to Elia coming out to his friends only two weeks later? Years of suppressing his attraction to guys, of the fear of being open about his bisexuality, disappeared from his memory after only two kisses from a pink haired guy.

_“Filippo”_

Elia sighs thinking of him as he waits for the pedestrian light to turn green. He leans back on the lamppost in the corner of the street, wondering how his boyfriend is doing at that exact moment. He knows Filippo is at school finishing a university project. A project so important that Elia has to stay away to make sure he doesn’t become a distraction. It hasn’t been long since they last spoke, but the notion that they won’t be able to see each other for a few days is making the distance hard to handle. Even after spending yesterday together, Elia misses him as if he hasn’t seen him in weeks. Last night, their romantic evening secluded inside the apartment is probably the reason why. _“A calm before the storm”,_ as Filippo referred to their date the whole night.

“One last date before I have to focus on my course work so I can finish the project before my deadline on Monday”, he said as Elia rolled his eyes.

His dramatic attitude towards being apart for a few days eventually got to Elia, as he’s now counting down the hours before they see each other again. According to his phone, it’s almost 22:08 this Thursday night. One day down, three more to go.

The first day flew by because Thursdays are days spent with the contrabbandieri. Fifa tournament, table football matches or, like they did today, drinks at the pub have become a weekly tradition for them. So now with the day ending, Elia heads back home.

The pedestrian light finally turns green. Elia crosses the street, taking his time, enjoying a quiet moment to daydream. The night is perfect for that today. The sky is clear, stars twinkle above him. The temperature is mild, only a light jacket is enough to feel comfortable.

Truthfully, even if the weather were not ideal, Elia would take his time getting home. Sometimes Luca joins him if he’s sleeping over. Other times Filippo walks back with him when they’re not ready to say goodnight, but most nights Elia walks alone. Whether he is alone or not, these walks have become important. For Elia, they’ve become the only time he has to decompress.

At home it’s not always easy to relax. Lately it’s been difficult because of his father’s volatile mood. Because of this, Elia doesn’t know what to expect when he goes through the apartment door. It’s only until he gets home that he has a way of knowing if his dad is in a good mood or not, or if he should be mentally prepared to be yelled later. Outside things are different. In the streets of Rome, all of those worries don’t matter. Out here, it’s only him, the city lights and his own thoughts. In the sidewalk there’s no one to ruin his good mood after an afternoon in bed discovering all of his boyfriend’s freckles. Outside he doesn’t get told to do his homework instead of daydreaming every time he smiles at the sight of anything pink that reminds him of Filippo’s hair. During his night walks Elia is in control of his own feelings.

The situation at home has been like this for a while but Elia didn’t mind it that much before. It was ok when his sour mood matched his father’s mood. Why fight the negative atmosphere at home when you feel exactly that same way? It’s easier to let it drag you down. The toxic mood might remains unchanged but Elia has definitely changed. Now he has several reasons to fight being dragged down, several reasons to feel happy.

 _“The nice weather is one of them”,_ Elia thinks to himself. A nice breeze flows in his direction as he walks. It’s quiet in his neighborhood tonight. The stillness outside is only disrupted by the infrequent sounds of passing cars, illuminating the street. Elia follows the last car with his eyes. It turns left, lighting up the local church up ahead in the process. During the day it’s a simple building, but at night it’s a sight to behold. The stones are carefully lit, enhancing the beauty of the carvings on the walls. Details he knows quite well after spending many hours seating down on its steps. Many memories come to mind whenever he walks by them, but tonight, the most recent one prevails above the others.

A few weeks ago, on his way back from school, he sat down there feeling surprisingly calm considering the circumstances. Earlier that day, he received a text from his father scolding him for leaving a mountain of dirty dishes in the sink. It was certain he was going to be yelled at as soon as his dad walked through the door that night, but knowing this didn’t bother him that much today because, a minute after the text from his father, he got one from Filippo.

14:35 – Filippo: I just saw you left something for me in the kitchen. The brownies you baked are amazing Elia! They’re just what I needed after what happened yesterday at the university. I was down but now I’m feeling better. What did I do to deserve a kind boyfriend that surprises me with brownies when he notices I’m sad? Thanks Elia.

Knowing his surprise made Filippo’s day better makes getting in trouble with his dad worth it. Weeks ago, there was nothing that made it ok to be the recipient of his father’s anger. Apparently now there is.

 _“What changed?”_ He wondered that afternoon, resting his head on the stone wall. Tracing back, he came to the realization that he could pinpoint the exact moment when he let go of the dark cloud above him; the very instant when the negativity at home started to have little effect on him. It was on a Thursday night back in late February, as he brushed his teeth before bed, when he saw someone else starting back at him in the mirror. In front of him he saw a person that didn’t need to hide anymore, a boy with hope in his eyes because, only a few hours ago, he came out to his friends. He saw in his reflection that something changed. He smiled, feeling the urge to share this with someone. With the phone in his hand, he laid his the bed.

23:02 – Elia: I just got home from hanging out with the guys. How’s the group project coming along?

23:04 – Filippo: Hey handsome.

23:04 – Filippo: The group project went well. I’m exhausted though. I’m about to head home now.

23:05 – Elia: Just out of curiosity, at what time are you going to class tomorrow?

23:05 – Filippo: I have class at 14:00, why?

23:05 – Elia: Can I come over tomorrow morning? I want to talk to you about something really quick.

23:05 – Filippo: Yes, I’ll see tomorrow then. Good night Elia

23:06 – Elia: Sleep well Filo.

Elia went to sleep with a big smile that night. The same grin he had that afternoon a few weeks later, as he sat down at the church steps remembering what happened the day after he came out to his friends. It was regular cold February morning, so waking up early was not an easy thing to do. After a hot shower the excitement of sharing with Filippo that he came out gave him the energy he needed. He rushed out the door and, in no time, he was standing outside Filippo’s apartment. Elia stared at the door having second thoughts.

 _“He’s probably still sleeping”,_ Elia evaluates if being there a quarter to nine in the morning is a good idea. _“Filippo seems like the kind of guy that hates being woken up. Shit, he’s going to kill me if I ring the doorbell now. Even more so I show up empty handed.”_

He ran down the staircase to buy croissants and coffee. If Filippo starts complaining, Elia can calm him down with a breakfast. He comes back up and immediately rings the doorbell. Filippo answers the door already dressed.

“Um, you’re already up?” Elia asks surprised from the hallway.

“Yeah, I figured you were going to show up early. Are you going to come in or what?”

Elia walks inside, taking off his coat as he sits on the couch. Filippo follows close behind, with a soft smile on his lips.

“So no kiss? No “hello, how are you?” Filippo teases Elia. “I see you’re not wasting any time today. Ok, what do you want to talk about?”

Elia laughs.

“Sorry, I’m just excited. I bought breakfast by the way”, he says setting the food on the coffee table. Filippo happily grabs a croissant and takes a big bite.

“So”, he says with his mouth full. “What’s up Elia?”

Elia then proceeds to share the events prior to his coming out. He talks fast, not skipping a single detail. He tells Filippo about how noisy the cafeteria was. He laughs as he explains how he left Luchino by himself at the table. He talks about their walk to the café, the debate about the waiter and how Elia was getting crankier by the second. Filippo kept eating the croissants, listening attentively to the story, reacting in the right moments. He never took his eyes off Elia, smiling at him.

“- and that’s when I knew I fucked up. I totally gave myself away. Luchino – out of every single one of them, it was him that connected the dots first. Luchino! I couldn’t believe it. He’s so oblivious to everything that’s going on around him and it was him that figured it out. So I blurt it out right then and there. They were shocked Filippo! You should’ve seen them. Of course they were ok with it. I had no doubt they would be, especially after Marti. Anyway, that’s what I wanted to share with you, that I came out to them.”

Filippo kept on eating, smiling at Elia without saying a word.

“You don’t look surprised.” Elia states, disappointed he didn’t get the reaction he was expecting.

“Oh! You’re finished with the story?” Filippo asks, as he quickly gets up from the couch. “Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don’t move.”

Confused, Elia sits back as Filippo goes inside the kitchen. Two seconds later he comes out holding a plastic bag in his hands and with a purple feather boa around his neck. He wraps the boa around Elia, throwing the bag in the couch. He reaches inside the bag, takes out a blue party hat and puts it on Elia’s head as he starts throwing confetti over the both of them.

“Woo, woo, Elia is bisexual”, Filippo chants as Elia laughs.

“You knew I was going to tell you I came out? How?”

“Woo, bisexuality, woo, woo – Marti told me yesterday – woo, woo woo, yay bisexuality is the best! Yay Elia!” Filippo carries on. Elia pulls him down over his lap, wrapping his arms around.

“You’re quite something you know that?” Elia softly whispers kissing Filippo’s neck. “Did you wake up early to set this up? Where did you find the confetti at this hour?”

“What? Elia, it offends me to know you don’t think I already have all these things lying around my room.”

Elia laughs out loud as he walks by the church remembering all of this. Memories popping up in his mind every time he goes out for a walk are common nowadays. He takes the same path every time he comes back home, so it’s now full of memories and memories of memories. For example, he’s about to walk across the street from the bakery where he bought the dessert for the dinner they had when Eleonora come home to visit. Whenever he gets close to it, the talk they had when Filippo went down to buy more wine comes back to mind. He recalls how Ele got serious and told him that Filippo puts on a façade to hide that he’s extremely sensitive. She shared that deep down Filippo feels insecure easily. She told him that sometimes he thinks he’s not good enough and that people will eventually leave just like their parents did.

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this,” she told Elia. “He would kill me if he knew about this conversation, but he talks about you in a way he hasn’t talked about other guys before. I know you make him happy and that he wants this to work. Heck, I want him to be happy so I want you guys to work. I just thought that if you knew this you could understand him better. Ugh, now I regret telling you. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but again, I just want him to be happy. More importantly though, if you hurt him - Elia, I’m serious, if I find out you’ve hurt him… Don’t forget I’m coming back in a few months and I will find you. I literally know where you live and I have ways of figuring out your class schedule.“

Elia awkwardly laughed but Eleonora didn’t. He can’t walk by the bakery without remembering that night. A few doors down the bakery there’s a sports store where they bought a tent after Filippo insisted they should camp at the beach the first day of spring. He recalls how Filippo drove them to Santa Marinella so they could sleep under the stars. Elia laughs at how they were only thirty minutes there before Filippo gave up.

“No, this is not comfortable! Elia it’s so cold out. Ok, I admit it, I regret suggesting this. Fine, fine, you were right, it’s still to cold to camp outside. Is that what you want to hear so we can leave? I hate this, there’s sand everywhere, Elia. Can we please go back?”

They drove back and slept at Filippo’s instead. Every time he walks by the store he remembers that the unused tent is under his bed.

 _“Maybe in August I can surprise him with a trip back to the beach”,_ Elia considers, as he stares inside the dark store before continuing his walk home. From the street corner he sees his building just one block away. The night is quiet and his street is empty. Even though he can only hear one car in the distance he waits for the traffic light to turn red so he can cross it. So he stands there, under the same streetlight where Filippo dropped him off yesterday after their date.

Sometimes, when they know they weren’t going to see each other for a few days, they plan a quiet night in to enjoy each other’s company. That’s exactly what they did until the late hours of the night. Elia would’ve stayed over if it weren’t for the fact that it was Wednesday and he hadn’t already given his father an excuse for not sleeping at home.

“Stay over Elia”, Filippo softly whispered as he cuddled his boyfriend after sex. “If you’re going to be an asshole, refusing to see me for five days the least you could do is sleep with me.”

“If anyone is an asshole is you”, Elia laughs. “Do I need to remind you that it’s you the one that can’t hang out because of your university project?”

“You can’t really prove that.” Filippo responds, pulling Elia closer.

“Ok, listen. I could stay twenty minutes more but only if you drive me home.”

He turns around to face Filippo. Filippo gets closer, noses touching as he caressed Elia’s cheek.

“Forty minutes.” Filippo negotiated.

“Forty?! Filippo it’s almost 23:00, my dad will kill me. Twenty minutes is my last offer.” Elia starts getting up the bed but Filippo groans whilst pulling him close to him again.

“Ugh.. fine. Thirty minutes and I’ll drive you.”

“Twenty Filippo.”

“That’s what I said. Now come here.”

They laid in bed for exactly twenty minutes before driving into the night. Inside the car they remained quiet whilst listening to music. With Filippo’s hand on his thigh, Elia caressed his arm as he looked out the window at the streets that have become so familiar. They’ve driven this exact route many times already. Elia knows it by heart.

 _“Right…straight for two blocks…now left…left again…now rig-“,_ Elia stops reciting the directions in his head when he notices Filippo didn’t turn right where he was supposed to.

“Filo… where are you taking me?” Elia asks hitting him in the arm.

“I’m driving you home, like you insisted.” Filippo hits Elia back. “I’m just taking a slightly longer route.”

Elia smiles and doesn’t complain. After a car ride only five minutes longer than usual, they park in the corner of his street.

“See, I kept my promise. I took you home.”

Elia turns to look at him. He exhales and wraps his arms around Filippo in a tight hug. They press their bodies together for a while. With their breathing synchronized, Filippo runs his hand down Elia’s back until he eventually moves away to get out of the car.

“Thanks for driving me Filo”, he whispers before kissing him gently on the lips.

“Goodnight Eli”

Elia got out, hearing Filippo starting the car and driving away as he walks through the entrance door.

Now, a day later, Elia is in the exact same spot, looking at the street corner where they were parked. The same corner where they held each other in their arms not wanting to say goodbye last night. The traffic light turns red so Elia crosses the street. He takes out his phone.

 _“5% of battery left, 22:41 and no new messages”,_ he thinks to himself, suddenly feeling sleepy.

He picks up the pace and walks inside the building. After sprinting up the stairs he takes out his key to silently walk inside the apartment.

He opens the door, taking out off his coat but stops on his tracks. Inside the apartment, at the end of the corridor, he sees the living room lights are on. Could it be his dad that fell asleep on the couch whilst reading a book? He needs to be extra quiet so his dad does not wake up.

Elia closes the door slowly, avoiding making any sound. With his shoes off and the coat in the hanger, Elia cautiously walks to his room. The wooden floor creek with each step.

“Elia?”

His father is awake.

“Elia! I know you’re there. Come here this instant!” His father angrily raises his voice from the living room.

“Ok”, is all Elia is able to reply, knowing he’s definitely in trouble.

“Well hurry up! Unlike you, I don’t have all night to be up, completely wasting my time. Its Thursday Elia! Look at the time. How many times do I have to tell you to be responsible? I have no idea how I can make you understand that. It’s always the same with you, always! You never learn! You always come home late. Do you think I don’t notice? Do you think I’m stupid?”

He pauses, staring at Elia.

“Well?! Do you? Answer me.”

Elia feels his eyes starting to water.

“N- no dad, of course not. I don’t thin-“

“Where were you?” his dad interrupts Elia.

“I was with my friends, we were hanging out after school.”

“No, you weren’t. I don’t believe you anymore. This is not a one-time thing Elia. You’ve been coming home late almost everyday for weeks. You’re never home! I never see you studying or focusing on school like you should be.”

“I’m telling the truth! I was with them, I swear. Also, I’m doing ok at school dad. You can ask anyone!” Elia interrupts. It’s true, he’s not falling behind.

“Ask whom? Your friends? They will lie for you. Do I ask your teachers then? Or maybe you want me to ask that guy who’s being driving you home? What should I ask him? Do I ask him how you’re doing at school? Would he know the answer? Or should I ask who he is? Do I ask why you’re never home? Do I ask him why he was hugging my son last night?”

Elia’s mouth drops open, a cold shiver runs down his back. He stands still, unable to speak while his father daringly stares expecting him to explain himself.

“So which question should I ask him first then Elia? Uh? Answer me!”

This is too much to handle, Elia doesn’t know what to do. He feels the anxiety creeping up on him fast. His breathing increases, his palms are sweaty and there’s a pressure on his chest.

 _“Stop! Stop!”_ Elia screams inside his head. He needs his father to stop yelling, he needs the anxiety to go away, he needs some air.

He turns to look back at the entrance, his coat and shoes are right there. His father opening his mouth again to speak is the cue Elia is waiting for. He makes a run for the door grabbing his shoes and coat as he hears his father yell from the living room.

“Where are you going?! Come back right now, we’re not done talki-”

Elia slams the door shut behind him and runs down the stairs as fast as he can.


	14. The Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to avoid a confrontation with his father, Elia runs out of his apartment at night with no place to go to.

All sound is gone after the door slammed shut behind him. Elia only hears his own heavy breathing and the memory of his father’s screams

_“Come back here Elia!”_

His dad yells loud inside Elia’s head. He moves his legs rapidly, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible. The sense of urgency is making him feel as if the staircase at the end of the hallway is moving away. He runs with all his might but it seems like there’s a force pulling him back, back to the apartment where his father is angrily expecting him to return. He is not planning on turning around tonight though. No idea on where to go but right now, anywhere is better than home.

He reaches out his arm, his fingers finally touching the railing. With the pitch-black hallway behind, Elia tightly grips the staircase handrail as he leaps down the stairs, trying to reach the end as fast as possible. The anxiety is at full speed. It’s smothering him, covering him in sweat. The strong palpitations make him feel like his chest is going to explode. His hand slips from the bannister leaving sweat marks behind him as his foot lands on the ground floor. He needs to get away.

_“You’re so irresponsible!”_

His dad is right there with him, still screaming inside his head.

_“Who is he Elia?! Answer me!”_

He pauses staring out the front door. The outside offers him uncertainty, solitude but more importantly, freedom. The promise of freedom is more than enough. He runs out the building, swinging the door open, taking in the cold breeze. Right or left? Where to go now?

_“Left”,_ he thinks to himself, a tear falling down his cheek. He runs towards the familiar, planning on retracing his walk tonight.

He sprints two blocks before stopping to catch his breath. There’s no one behind him, his dad didn’t follow him.

_“He didn’t follow me.”_

Mixed feeling invade his mind. Should he feel relieved or disappointed? Elia is unsure about this. A part of him hoped his dad would come after him, giving him comfort after realizing his mistake, but in the end it seems like his dad decided to stay. Elia pants looking back, wishing the night hadn’t gone like this. He rests his back on the wall and allows himself to fall down, clutching his knees to his chest. Closing his eyes, his breathing slows down as sadness fills his heart. It’s late and he feels completely alone. Elia opens his eyes and looks up at the lamppost in the corner. The idea of spending the rest of the night like this is unbearable; he should try to find some solace in someone’s company. He needs it.

_“I wish Filippo were here with me…”_ Elia thinks, imagining his boyfriend’s warm embrace.

Filippo is working on an important school project so Elia doesn’t want to distract him. Reaching down his coat he takes out his phone. It’s 23:09. This means that it’s only been around one hour since he left his friends back at the pub. Maybe they’re still up. With only 4% of battery left, Elia needs to hurry up if he wants to reach them before his phone dies.

Elia calls Luchino but he doesn’t pick up. He tries again getting the same result. 3% of battery now.

_“Shit”_

He turns off the phone’s brightness to preserve his battery. Elia stands up and walks towards a well-lit spot in the sidewalk, next to the church.

“Come one Luchino. Answer me”, Elia whispers into the phone as it rings trying to reach Luca unsuccessfully.

_“Shit, shit. I’ll text him as I try the others.”_

23:15 – Elia: Luchino are you awake?

23:15 – Elia: Please answer me. I got into a huge fight with my dad. He knows about Filippo. I ran out and I don’t know where to go. Can I stay with you tonight?

Luca might be a dork but he’s always been extremely supportive of Elia. They understand each other. Instead of calling the others Elia waits a minute for Luca to answer but gets no response. He checks his phone again. Now there’s only 3% of battery left. Time is running out.

_“Filippo is probably still awake, “_ Elia thinks as he sits back down on the church’s steps. “He’s _working on his project though. Maybe I should call him anyway… Fuck! I don’t want to feel like a burden. I don’t know what to do.”_

Elia doesn’t have much time to decide, his phone will die soon. Elia decides to send a text before calling.

23:18 – Elia: Hi FIli, are you home?

Hands sweating and heart racing, Elia stares at his phone hoping to get a response quickly. A typing bubble appears.

23:19 – Filippo: Hey :) No, I’m not home. I’m working at a friend’s house, this project will take longer than expected and I didn’t feel like working alone. Why? Did you leave something there? Ele is not home to check if you did but I’ll be there tomorrow morning and I can look around then.

Elia frantically starts texting back, racing against the clock. It might be quicker to call and explain over the phone. Elia is desperate now, only 2% left on his phone, this is his last chance.

He dials Filippo and two rings later he picks up.

“Hey baby”, Filippo answers. Elia can hear him smiling.

The sound of his boyfriend’s voice triggers something inside. The tears are back, leaving small wet spots on the stone church steps.

“Filo, hi. I’m sorry to bother you. I don’t know what to do Filo.” Elia sobs over the phone. “I know you’re busy, I just needed to ask if-“.

His phone dies.

“Fuck!” Elia yells, tossing his phone to the ground.

Elia is completely alone now. There’s no one to turn to now, no one he could reach at this time at night, especially without a phone. Elia silently sobs as he leans back against the wall. The stone wall feels uncomfortable against his back but he’s too exhausted to care. He needs to rest.

_“Should I just head back? Maybe he’s already in bed and I can sneak back in.”_ Elia considers. Being inside the comfort of his own room would make things better but what will happen in the morning? His dad will be there, he will be there. Elia’s not ready to face him again soon.

If going back is not an option, where will he go? He stands up wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Fuck”, he repeats out loud again

The echo of his yell is the only sound heard afterwards. The streets are empty and silent. The stillness of his surrounding is making the anxiety come back. Looking straight ahead at the row of streetlights illuminating the dark sidewalk makes him feel even more alone. He longs for the comfort of a warm, familiar hug to make him feel more at ease but, in the back of his mind he knows he won’t get one tonight.

_“Maybe if I manage to charge my phone? Maybe then I can contact Luca or Filippo again? Maybe there’s something open at this hour? A shelter, a café, anything…”_ He thinks to himself.

Desperation feels him up from the inside. His mind is racing, wondering if there’s a place open in his neighborhood. He fears the longer he stands still the smaller the chance of finding somewhere to wait out the night.

Elia picks up from the ground and starts running, frantically turning his head from side to side, searching for a sign of an open pub or café. The sound of his footsteps hitting the pavement echo around him. He hears a car approaching, making him stop to catch his breath. Elia breaths heavily and he wonders if he should stop the car.

_“What for though? What could a stranger possibly do for me right now? Am I supposed to say: excuse me, I just ran away from home, could you please tell me what I should do?”_ Elia is not thinking clearly.

The car drives past him, his head light shinning illuminating some trees ahead.

_“It’s the park”,_ he realizes.

He’s one block away from the park where he first ran into Filippo.

“Filippo”, Elia softly breathes out.

Quickly, he starts running towards the park to check if there’s something open on the busy street next to it. Everything is closed but Elia keeps running anyway.

“Filippo”, Elia thinks again as he speeds past the café where they had their first date.

Abruptly turning to his right in the corner next to the café, Elia leaves the park behind and runs towards Filippo’s apartment. The church steps, the park, the café: places filled with memories of them together. As Elia runs without direction he sees Filippo in every corner of his neighborhood. It’s as if every street is guiding Elia to him. He knows Filippo is not home, but it feels like he’s running towards him anyway, and this feeling is making him feel better.

He’s tired, out of breath, but Elia is not stopping. Just a block away, Filippo’s apartment building stands straight ahead like the finish line to race he didn’t’ want to be a part of. The front door light is on, which means someone could let him in. But then what? Filippo is not home anyway.

_“Sitting down in the hallway is better than being outside at night”,_ Elia thinks as he reaches the door.

His hands quiver as he pulls the door handle, hoping it the door is unlocked and it is. He slowly walks inside and heads to the staircase. He can hear someone else down the hallway so he hurries before he’s stopped and questioned.

Looking up he sees some floors above are still light. It’s quieter inside the building, but this silence is not making Elia go crazy. It’s a comforting silence; the familiarity of the space makes Elia feel safe. Filippo might not be here now and he might not get here soon, but he will get there eventually and that’s good enough for Elia.

Slowly walking up the stairs, Elia makes no sound, afraid of disturbing the sleeping tenants in the apartments around him. By the time Elia reaches Filippo’s floor his breathing is back to normal. His body is starting to feel the consequences of the long and agitated run. He rings the apartment’s bell once without expecting a response and collapses against the wall and on the floor, resting his head against his knees. His body aches and his eyes feel heavy. Alone, outside Filippo’s door, Elia finally allows himself to relax. Covering his body with his coat, he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

A pull from under his arms disturbs his sleep. His body falls limp back against the wall. A stronger pull accompanied by a soft whisper begins to wake him up.

“Eli…baby, are you ok?”

Elia opens his eyes and meets Filippo’s worried gaze.

“Can you stand up? What happened?” Filippo asks, with fear in his tone.

“My dad.” Elia states as he finally gets up. “He knows.”

Filippo remains silent and looks at Elia straight in the eyes. Elia lowers his eyes, avoiding his boyfriend’s stare. After a few seconds, Filippo snaps out of it and grabs Elia’s hand before opening the locked apartment door. Elia walks inside. Filippo throws his stuff by the door not realizing Elia didn’t stop and is now walking towards the bedroom.

“Elia”, Filippo calls out. “I was worried after your call and I couldn’t reach you. I drove to your house but I didn’t see the light on. I called and I called but you didn’t pick up. I hoped you might be here and I’m glad I was right. I was so worried.”

Elia keeps on walking, without replying back, knowing Filippo is right behind him. He is exhausted, worried and sad. Elia can feel a knot in his throat. One word is all it will take for him to start crying again, and he doesn’t want that.

“Elia!” Filippo harshly says. “Please talk to me.”

This makes Elia stop in his tracks. They’re halfway to the bedroom. The light coming in through the windows is the only thing illuminating the dark hallway. With his back towards Filippo, Elia patiently waits for him to catch up. Filippo walks closer and cautiously put his hand on Elia’s shoulder. Elia feels his touch and begins to tilt his head, caressing his hand with this cheek. This let’s Filippo know Elia allows him to get closer. He quickly turns Elia back by the waist. They’re now facing each other, their faces barely centimeters apart. Elia grabs Filippo’s hands and takes them off his waist and throws them back, wrapping Elia is a loose hug. He presses his body against Filippo, hoping he won’t have to use his words to convey that he desperately needs to be held by him. Filippo understands and tightens the embrace and Elia begins to sob.

“Please hold me close”, Elia says whilst crying.

“I will”, Filippo quietly reassures him caressing his back. “I’m here now Elia. I’ll always be here.”


	15. The day after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elia wakes up in Filippo's apartment after an intense night with his father. He knows he needs to have a proper conversation with his dad but doesn't know how and when to do it.

Even with his eyes closed, Elia knew exactly where he was when he woke up.

“Your room smells like butter” he had told Filippo weeks before on the morning after he first spent the night with him.

“What? It does not” Filippo had replied offended.

“Yes it does”, Elia insisted back then. “Ok, maybe it’s the smell of pastry. Do you eat pastry in bed?”

Filippo laughed, sitting up next to Elia. He pulled up his pillow between himself and the wall behind the bed for a better back support.

“I might eat in bed from time to time”, he admitted as he unsuccessfully tried to casually clean some old crumbs next to Elia’s pillow before getting caught in the act.

“Ha!” Elia yelled as he pulled Filippo by the waist, feeling his weight against his body as they both laughed.

But this morning, the familiar buttery smell was just that, a smell. It wasn’t an opportunity to tease Filippo, it wasn’t a reason to get up quickly and run to the kitchen for breakfast, it was just a smell that had no effect on Elia.

With his eyes still closed, he took a deep breath and reminisced of that morning weeks ago. It was a nice, warm memory that is now causing him sadness. Everything had changed, or at least a few things had. The Elia from the memory was carefree and full of joy. Present day Elia is anxious, worried and sad. Now, the events of that day play out again in his mind but the friendly banter between them is constantly interrupted by flashes of the recent memory of his father yelling at him as he ran out the door the door the night before.

“I don’t believe you anymore Elia!”

“I’m telling the truth dad! I was with my friends, I swear.”

“But the, Who was the guy I saw you hugging inside a car around the corner some nights ago? Answer me!”

Elia quickly opens his eyes, hoping this will stop him from reliving the fight again. Elia looks up, the bedroom door is closed and the blinds are down.

 _How long have I been sleeping?_ He wonders as he sits up, rubbing his eyes. His clothes are on the floor, just where he left them after undressing last night, moments before getting into bed and allowing himself to be cuddle to sleep by Filippo. He reaches inside the jacket and takes out his phone. He runs his thumb over the cracked screen, it won’t turn on. Yesterday it ran out of battery, but he did smash it on the ground out of anger by the church last night. Maybe it’s just ruined.

_What does it matter anyway?_

He tosses the phone back on the bed and puts on his clothes. The floorboard cracks as he approaches the window. Maybe looking outside will give him a clue of the time of the day. Out the window, the sun is shinning and people are walking.

 _Great, this was of no use. It could be anywhere from eight to noon,_ he thinks.

It would be easier to just go out the room and ask Filippo or Eleonora for the time, if she’s that is. It would be, but he doesn’t want to. He’s not ready to face the outside world just yet. He needs a little bit more time inside this bubble, where time doesn’t exist, because the moment the bubble bursts, he will have to think, talk, deal with the mess he’s in. He will have to deal with his father.

But time does exist and Elia is well aware of that. He knows it’s Friday, that he should already be in school, but he won’t go today. How could he? It’s true, he doesn’t have his backpack and a change of clothes with him, but more importantly, how could anyone expect him to be present and focused after what happened the night before?

He can’t stay at Filippo’s though. They’re not supposed to be hanging out, as Filippo has to work on an important project for university. This was the whole point of being apart the last few days, until Elia screwed it up by running over to his apartment. He knows Filippo is far from mad, he’s more worried than anything, but Elia can’t help but feel guilty about absorbing so much of Filippo’s time, especially right now.

Blind by blind, Elia moves across the room letting the light in. He makes the bed, picks everything from the floor and organizes the desk. Tidying up will be a form of apology for being a distraction, for feeling like a burden. Once the room is perfect, he allows himself to go out.

The corridor feels colder; he hears a gust of wind. The door to the balcony by the kitchen is probably open. Elia faintly hears Filippo singing in the distance, probably inside the kitchen. He approaches slowly, trying to figure out if he’s alone or not. If Eleonora is in the kitchen too Elia knows it will be less draining to pretend everything is normal than to explain or justify his mood. Tilting his head inside the kitchen door, Elia watches as Filippo cooks some eggs over the stove. There are two plates out next to him, each one with an individual piece of toast.

“Hi”, Elia quietly announces himself. Filippo turns around. He stops singing but continues to stir the pan.

“Good morning Elia. Did you sleep well?” he asks, a faint smile on his lips.

“Yes, thank you” Elia replies, still standing by the doorframe. “And you?”

“Not really”, he admitted. “I – I’m just worried about how you- can your please walk in already? You standing all the way over there is making me nervous. Filippo gestures for Elia to join him by the stove.

“I can’t stop stirring the eggs but you can come closer. Elia are you ok? If I’m honest I couldn’t sleep because I’m worried about you. What you went through last night was rough and I want to help you but I don’t know how. What do you need? Just tell what you need me to do and I’ll do it.”

Elia nestles his face up against his chest, feeling Filippo’s arm pull him closer and closer with each word said. He remains silent.

The eggs are done so Filippo takes the pan off the stove and turns to hug Elia with both arms but Elia has already moved back closer to the door again.

“I don’t know what I need Fili”, Elia finally says. It was true, he really didn’t know how Filippo could help. “I need to talk to my father, but I haven’t decided how and when to do it. It should happen soon though.”

“Elia, take your time with this. Don’t rush without-“

“What you need to do is to work on your project!” Elia interrupts him with a stern voice.  
Filippo rolls his eyes.

“Fuck the project, I have a few more days to work on it anyway. Elia, you’re my number one priority.”

Elia walks up to Filippo again and grabs both of his hand.

“You’ve already helped me more than you can imagine. I’m not lying, I swear.” Elia whispers looking at him in the eyes. “I appreciate all you do for me, how you make me feel cared for. But – Fili, I.. I need to do this alone. There’s really nothing you can do besides what you’ve already done, so you might as well work on the project. Please, don’t worry. I should just go home and – and, I should first talk to my dad. Yeah, I mean, I ran away before he said much, so I don’t really know how he feels, I guess. The first step is to have an actual conversation with my father and then take it from there.”

When he first started talking, his plan was to convince Filippo to focus on his project at all costs. But as he continued, as he improvised and came up with his speech on the go, he realized that the words coming out of his mouth made sense. He had been confused before because he didn’t know where he stood with his father. He ran away before knowing what was going to happen at home. First, he needs to know that before making any decision. Filippo looks skeptical. Elia hands move up to reassuringly caress his face.

“It will be fine. You can drive me home if you want and I will call you as soon as we’re done talking. Ok?”

Filippo sighs annoyed.

“Fine, but you’re packing some clothes in a bag by the door in case you need to leave. And charge that damn phone! How am I supposed to call you if it’s dead? And don’t you dare think this project is more important than your well being Elia. Ugh, I’m so annoyed at you right now. Why can’t you just stay here where I can protect you?”

Elia chuckles and tightly hugs a reluctant Filippo.

“It will be fine. It will be fine”, he repeats. “Thank you for caring so much about me.”

Elia lets go and kisses him on the cheek.

“Now come, let’s eat these delicious eggs you cooked whilst singing in your boxers.” Elia jokes as he grabs both plates and carries them to the table.

“Don’t try to joke and be cute”, Filippo says. “I’m still annoyed at you.”

The way Filippo worried about Elia made him relax a little about the conversation that waited for him at home. His support meant so much. It meant he had a place to go if he needs it, it meant that he was loved, it meant he was someone’s priority.

His mother left him, his sister to an extent did as well and, there’s a possibility his father might leave too. Or rather, it would be Elia leaving but the outcome would be the same, he would be alone.

When he woke by himself, to the smell of butter, the fear of Filippo also leaving him first crossed his mind.

 _Who could blame him if he did?_ Elia wondered.

Having a boyfriend that’s already out, a financially independent queer guy to date would be the easiest for Filippo. He should date someone who doesn’t need to ask his parents permission to spend the night, he needs an actual adult, not Elia and the unnecessary baggage that he comes with. But after their conversation over breakfast Elia’s worried evaporated.

“Elia”, Filippo had said reassuringly, extending his hand over the table to grab his. “Please stop apologizing for coming here. You are supposed to come here– I expect you to come here if you need help. Understand that I care about you, all of you. We’re dating, we’re a team. I need you to know I won’t leave because things get rough. Please get that inside your head.”

Elia had exhaled, mentally crossing out one worry from his list. The big one remained, though. His father.

Now back in his apartment, his phone is finally charging on his nightstand. That was the first thing he did as soon as he got home around noon. He stands over it, not taking his eyes off the screen, waiting, wishing it would light up as proof it’s not completely ruined, just cracked. And it did after a few minutes. Text messages started pouring in, most of them he didn’t need to answer because he had already talked to the guys using Filippo’s phone to explain the missed calls and text messages from last night. He quickly looks away as some might be from his dad and Elia is too scared to read them right now. His dad will come from work in a few hours and he wants to prepare everything before he does.

The plan is to greet him with dinner and an invitation to sit down to discuss and answer whatever questions his dad might have. First he needs to shower and prepare a bag with clothes in case he needs to leave and then, quite frankly, just breathe. The anxiousness that woke up with him is back. He lies on the bed again, now staring at the ceiling. Should he check his phone for a message from his dad? Should he not check his phone for a message from his dad? He finally checks his phone, zero messages but six notifications of missed calls from him. Four from last night, two from this morning.

16:04 – Elia: Hello dad, my phone was dead up until a few minutes ago. I am home, can we talk tonight?

His hands tremble but the message is sent. He rubs them together, to calm them down. They’re wet, sweaty. He wipes them dry as he gets up from the bed to get started with dinner.

The phone rests up against the wall in the kitchen counter top. Behind the cracks, the screen shows a detailed recipe for an easy chicken pie. The pots and pans are on the stove and the chicken and vegetables on the grocery bags on the table. His screen keeps going to sleep. Elia finds himself quickly moving from his phone to check the recipe, to the pot with boiling water to the cutting board with the carrots and onions. From the corner of his eye the screen lights up; it’s a text message.

16:21 – Filippo: How are you? At what time is he getting there?

_“Boiling water…knife… phone… Filippo”_

Elia is not good at multitasking so he video calls him. Filippo picks up after the first ring.

“Hello?” Filippo’s confused face appears on the phone. “Elia, where are you? I think your screen froze. I just see a kitchen wall.”

“Hi Filippo”, Elia replies off screen. “Sorry, I’m by the stove cooking dinner. The phone is by the sink.”

“How are you feeling? Are you ok?”

“I’m nervous but not freaking out yet.” Elia calls out from the fridge.

“Uh? What?” Filippo frowns. “I didn’t get that. Elia! Can you please just come closer so I can hear you?”

Elia grabs an extra carrot and runs to the phone. Filippo sighs when he sees him.

“I said I’m nervous but not freaking out yet”, Elia repeats. “The water is boiling, I should be by the stove.”

“Wait wait”, Filippo quickly replies before Elia moves again. “Water boils quickly, you can re heat it later. Can you turn that off and just talk to me for a second?”

Elia exhales, clutching more vegetables he can carry to his chest so they don’t fall to the ground.

“Fine, give me a second.”

He returns a few seconds later with a cutting board.

“I’ll cut all the vegetables now then. I do need to hurry up though, I’m afraid dinner won’t be ready when he gets here and we won’t be able to talk properly.” Elia explains, chopping a big onion.

“Yes I understand. I’m sorry, I’m just worried about you. I really wish I could be there.”

Elia softly smiles at Filippo’s sad gaze.

“I wish I was with you right now too Fili”, Elia admits. “I’m nervous but cooking is helping me take my mind off what could happen tonight.”

They remain silent for a few moments, neither wanting to discuss the possible outcomes of the conversation that awaits Elia.

“You know”, Elia chuckles trying to break the tension in the air. “I guess you could’ve come over before to help me cook, my dad won’t be here for at least an hour and a half. But it’s too late for you to come now.”

“You’re telling me this now?!” Filippo shouts as Elia smiles. “No, don’t laugh Elia. I want to help you and it turns out I could’ve.”

“Yeah haha sorry baby” Elia smiles but his eyes start to water.

“Elia…” Filippo whispers.

“What? No, don’t worry”, Elia says wiping the tears off his eyes. “I’m fine. I’m just sad because if you were here you could’ve chopped these huge ass carrots. The knife is not very sharp and I need to apply pressure to get through them and my wrists hurt.”

Filippo laughs. This makes Elia feel better. He lifts up the thickest carrot in the bunch, shows it to the camera and proceeds to jokingly pretend he is not strong enough to cut it. Filippo cracks up so Elia exaggerates the bit. He lifts himself up using the kitchen counter and jumps, applying pressure on the knife to finally cut the carrot, and he does, along with the tip of his thumb.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Elia holds his hand, blood spilling over the counter unto the floor.

“ELIA! What happened?” Filippo yells worried, not being able to see much.

“I cut my thumb off!”

“What?! What are you going to do? Elia! Answer me!”

“Filippo! Quit it, you’re stressing me out!” Elia snaps at him. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Ok, wait for me, I’ll come get you and we’ll go to the hospital.” Filippo gets up and grabs his phone. From what Elia can tell, he’s running towards the door.

“Listen! Get a kitchen towel and apply pressure on the wound. Grab the piece you chopped off and put it inside a plastic bag with ice, they can stitch it back on. I’ll be there in 8 minutes”

“Shit, shit. Ok, plastic bag.” Elia frantically searches for one. “Fuck, fuck.”

“Elia, it’s going to be ok, I’ll be right there. Meet me downstairs.”

“Ok, ok.”

“Elia! Don’t forget to turn off the stove.”

“Yes, yes. Ok I’ll be down as soon as I clean”, he replies as he turns around in circles, trying to figure out where to begin cleaning.

“No! Elia, listen to me: kitchen towel, apply pressure, plastic bag, ice, you finger, coat, cellphone and keys. Nothing else, and hurry.”

His arms feel sticky and his heart is pounding. He feels his heartbeat in his thumb. The wound is starting to burn. With the phone is his back pocket he does as instructed. Four and half minutes later he is rushing out the door.


	16. His Favorite Meal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even though Elia is rushed to the by Filippo, missing the talk with his dad back at home, he eventually has the much needed conversation with him. Things start to look up for him, his dad and his boyfriend.

He walks slowly down the long corridor. At the end is the apartment door he’s desperately stalling to reach. He counts his steps, talking only one every two seconds. He’s prolonging the inevitable. The steps are shorts and slow but he looks up and realizes he’s already halfway there.

 _“Did someone move the door closer to the staircase?”_ he thinks to himself, annoyed.

Sooner than expected, with sweat on his hands, keys inside his jacket and regret on his mind he stares at his front door. Ready or not, behind this door there’s a conversation to be had. He is, after all, the actual adult in this household, he can’t runway from this. Simona left when he was a kid and Giulia hardly calls him since going away to Milan. There’s no way he will leave him too.

After a long sigh, Elia’s father slowly opens the door expecting to hear Elia waiting for him in the living room so they could talk, but he’s only greeted by silence. Silence and the smell of raw chicken.

“Elia?” he calls out as he drops his things on the floor by the door. “I’m home.”

No answer.

_“Did he leave? By the text he sent I was sure he would be here.”_

“Elia?” he tries again and walks past the kitchen towards Elia’s room. The door is open so he walks in, maybe Elia is taking a nap, but he’s not there either.

 _“Where’s that kid?”_ he wonders as he sits down on the edge of his son’s bed.

He pulls out his phone and dials Elia’s number. It’s ringing. It’s still ringing. He doesn’t pick up.

He takes a second before trying again and stares at the wall. The bookshelf neatly organized, his backpack next to his desk.

_“He’s so organized. Sometimes things get messy but it doesn’t take long before it’s pristine like right now. I’m too hard on him.”_

He lowers his gaze and loudly exhales. Elia not being home is buying him a little bit more time before he’s forced to face last night’s events again. Did things really get out of hand just yesterday? It honestly feels like this has been going on for longer. It probably started weeks ago. At first he didn’t notice Elia being out more than usual, but as the days went by, as he got home later and later from work he began to grow suspicious as to why Elia would not get home before him most nights. But he didn’t feel like he could just ask him up front. They don’t have that kind of relantionship.

 _“That’s probably my fault,”_ he reflects. _“After Simona left me I hid inside myself and I buried myself in my work without really being present at home. It was too hard at the time, but now it feels like I never really come back from that and in the process the relationship I had with my kids deteriorated. I became distant, I know that, and I just forgot how to connect with them. How can I ask, “where have you been?” without him asking the same question back, but adding “all this time”? How do I begin to answer that? I feel so ashamed.”_

His suspicion of Elia’s whereabouts all those late nights eventually turned into fear. Fear of not knowing what Elia was actually doing so late at night, fear of the possibility of Elia making poor choices, hanging out with the wrong crowd, fear of admitting that as a father he should know his son better.

Crazy thought inundated his mind.

_“Is he even going to school? Is he really doing ok in his classes? Are his friends nice? Would I approve of them if I actually met them?”_

These same questions linger above him like a dark cloud. They pop up over and over and over until he couldn’t take it anymore.

He needed answers.

In a weird way he got some two days ago when he saw Elia inside a car hugging an unfamiliar face in the corner of the street.

 _“Who is that?”_ He had stopped walking and hid behind a tree a few meters away from the car. _“Is that a guy?”_

He froze and backed away, unsure of what to do with what he just witnessed. What did he see exactly? It’s new information, but with it comes more questions than answers.

He needed answers.

So yesterday he decided to get some the next day after work. He came home early, he started to cook dinner and he waited for Elia to come home from school. Hours passed and there was no sign of Elia. The clock went from 5 to 6, from 6 to 7, then to 8 when he reheated the food and had dinner by himself. Then it went to 9 and later to 10. He sat down at the living room on a chair facing the corridor. As the hours went by, his patience dissapeared and anger took its place. So by the time Elia showed up almost at 11, he was furious. He wasted all afternoon cooking, waiting for nothing; so the fight happened. A minute of confrontation and Elia was already running out the door.

 _“He’s leaving again?!”_ he couldn’t believe it. _“Breath Vittorio, breath.”_

He planned on having an honest conversation but it all got out control so quickly. He knows he has to pull it together and relax before saying anything else. Two minutes must have passed, only two minutes after Elia ran out, before he stood up and ran behind him, but he was gone. He must’ve ran eight blocks nonstop looking for his son before turning back. He tries calling but Elia’s phone was off, he couldn’t reach him but he tried, so many times.

“He’s probably with his friends,” he tried convincing himself Elia was ok but it didn’t work. That night he didn’t get much sleep.

No news from Elia until later the next day. According to his text he was at home and wanted to talk. A huge weight come off his shoulders, his son was safe, but a new weight took its place, they were going to talk.

Which brings him to the present. He now sits on Elia’s bed, delaying the inevitable. His fear was that this talk will confirm he is a bad parent. His son is hiding something, that was made clear, but why is he hiding things from his dad?

“ _Is it because he doesn’t trust me? Is it because I’m strict and distant?”_ he wonders. _“This is my fault.”_

He tries calling Elia again, but to no avail, as he doesn’t pick up. He gets up and walks out of his bedroom and he tries one more time. Last night his calls went straight to voicemail, but right now they’re ringing. His phone is probably on but he is not picking up.

He tries again and again until eventually someone answers.

“Hello?” he hears a voice say on the other end.

“Hello? Elia? Who is this?” It’s not Elia, he thinks.

“Ehm… this is Elia’s phone but he’s – mmm… I’m Filippo.”

“Are a friend from school? Where’s Elia? Can I speak to him please? It’s his dad.”

“Yeah, you’re name came up on the phone, that’s why I answer…You see, he can’t really speak right now. We’re at the hospital because he had a small accident at home with a knife and the doctor –“

“A knife?!” Elia’s father interrupts alarmed. “What do you mean an accident.”

“Ehm… he was cutting some carrots and –“ Filippo nervously begins to explain.

“Oh my god, I see the blood now! There’s so much.”

He had rushed to the kitchen after hearing about the knife. With horror in his eyes he sees the mess on the floor. A cold shiver runs down his spine.

“Where is he? What hospital? I’m on my way now.”

“Is it ok if I just send you the location? I’m not sure about the name, I’m really nervous I’m sorry. I drove so fast to pick him up and take him here. They won’t let me see him and I’m worried and – but I can ask a nurse, let me find one.” Filippo is starting to sound frantic.

“Just send me the location, I’m on my way.” He hung up as he speeds out the door.

 

* * *

 

Filippo is seating down in the waiting room with Elia’s coat in one arm and his phone and keys in the other. The rush of adrenaline from the last series of events is starting to wear off. Slowly but surely, the nervousness of not knowing what’s going on is creeping up on him; they haven’t told him how Elia is doing.

 _“It’s just a small cut Filippo,”_ he tells himself to keep him from worrying but it doesn’t work as the mental image of Elia covered in blood wont leave his mind.

_“Oh my god, I see the blood now! There’s so much.”_

Elia’s father reaction to the gruesome scene in the kitchen doesn’t reassure him either.

 _“Gosh, Elia’s father,”_ Filippo thinks as he tilts his head back closing his eyes. _“I can’t believe this is how we’re meeting. This is not fucking ideal. Fuck.”_

Filippo stands up, he can’t handle being still right now. He walks up to a nurse’s station.

“Excuse me, do you know who I can speak to about a patient in the emergency room?” he asks to the first nurse that makes eyes contact.

“What’s the patient’s name?” A nurse asks him.

“Elia, Elia Santini. He came almost half an hour ago with a knife injury on his hand. Can I go see inside so I can speak to him?”

“Are you an immediate family member?” The nurse asks defiantly

“Well no, but I’m his boyfriend though.” Filippo replies angrily.

“I can’t let you in then.”

The nurse turns around and sits back down, ignoring Filippo’s protests.

They’re interrupted by loud footsteps are approaching from his left. He turns to see a man running towards him.

“Hi, my son is inside. Where do I go in?” the man asked heading towards the closed door next to the nurse’s station. Filippo is standing a meter away watching the scene develop.

“Excuse me sir!” It’s the same nurse Filippo spoke to. “You can’t barge in!”

“No, excuse ME! My son is in there and I need to know if he’s ok.” The man angrily answered back.

“What his name?” The nurse asked.

“Elia Santini,” the man took out his wallet to show his ID “Read my name, I’m his dad. Now let me in.”

The nurse sighs and gestures towards the door.

“Wait!” Filippo yells instinctively. This is Elia’s dad; it’s his chance to go inside.

Everyone there turns to face Filippo.

“It’s me, Filippo, we spoke on the phone. Can I go in with you sir?” Filippo timidly asks.

Elia’s dad freezes at the sight of Filippo, he recognizes him from the car a few nights ago and stares at Filippo in shock.

“So, can I please? They won’t let me go in because I’m not his immediate family”, Filippo begs.

“Ehm… Filippo, hi. Ehm, yes, come with me.” Elia’s father finally answers.

Filippo needs no extra invitations. He starts walking quickly towards the door and goes in first. Elia’s father is one step behind.

“Wait, what? You don’t have the authority to let him in! No, wait there young man.” The nurse objects behind the desk but is unable to stop them in time. The door closes behind them as they rush silently looking for Elia. Filippo looks to their left and Elia’s father looks to their right, which is where he finds him. Elia is seating down with his left arm extended as a doctor finishes stitching up the wound.

“Elia!” his father yells and Elia looks up. “Are you ok? I was so worried.”

Filippo stays a little bit behind, giving them some space. From a few meters away he meets Elia’s eyes for a second; he looks shocked. Filippo remains quiet, waiting attentively for Elia’s answer.

“Yes dad, I’m ok, it was a small accident.” Elia finally says. “How did you know I was here?”

“Elia! I saw the blood on the floor, it didn’t look like a small accident!” His father quickly replies. “Is he really ok doctor?”

The doctor smiles and looks up at him.

“Yes sir, don’t worry,” she reassuringly responds. “Although he, in fact, chopped off the tip of his finger, he just needed a few stitches. I’m actually already done, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Filippo sigh loudly, happy to hear that he’s ok.

Elia’s father gets closer and kisses his son on the forehead.

“I was so worried”, he admits.

Filippo feels like he is intruding. Elia and his dad need to talk in private, so he should go.

“I should go”, Filippo softly says behind them. They all turn around to face him. The doctor moves out of the way, Elia remains quiet and only replies with a small smile. Elia’s father first looks at Elia smiling and then turns to Filippo. Filippo feels seen, he’s definitely nervous now. He stands still, frozen, waiting for someone to break the silence.

“Thanks for bringing me here Filippo”, Elia finally says. Filippo instinctively starts to lean forward and notices Elia does the same. They both long for a touch, a kiss, anything from the other, but they both stop themselves because they’re not alone, Elia’s dad is there. Filippo puts Elia’s things on the chair to his right. As he moves back, Elia’s father moves towards Filippo, with his hand extended forward. Filippo does the same, expecting a handshake but he gets a hug instead.

“Oh”, Filippo says surprised.

“Thanks for bring Elia here Filippo. It was nice meeting you.”

Filippo could tell that he meant it.

“No problem really, I’m just glad he’s ok. I’m glad you’re ok Elia.” Filippo nervously replied switching his gaze from one Santini to the other.

“I’m glad he’s ok too.” Elia’s father says.

Filippo gives them a short polite smile and nod, turns around and leaves. As he approaches the exit at the end of the corridor he hears them talking but he’s unable to decipher what they’re saying. Elia’s father seemed genuinely worried for him. Hopefully they manage to work things out. He takes out his phone.

19:49 – Filippo: “Please call me before bed. I will be up waiting.”

 

* * *

 

 

They didn’t stay much longer at the hospital and the car ride was short and silent. Elia and his father were pretty exhausted but as they parked the car Elia turned to his dad.

“Dad”, he said. “Thanks.”

“For what Elia? I wasn’t home to take you to the hospital. I should’ve been there for you. I’m so sorry for not being there.” His father replies quietly, looking at the steering wheel in front of him.

“It’s ok dad, you weren’t home from work yet.” Elia reassured him.

“You know what I mean Elia. I haven’t really been there for you and I’m so sorry.”

Neither says a word for a while as they reflect on that last statement.

“I feel like I’m failing at this. I ran after you last night but I couldn’t find you. I came back home hoping you would be here but that didn’t happen.. I went home today thinking you’d be there but you weren’t either. I’ve been coming home the last few weeks assuming you’d be here but you were out most of the time. It’s like you’re slipping away from me, and I feel I’m the one to blame. I know I’ve been distant for a few years now but you were so young when your mother left I didn’t know how to connect with you and your sister in a way that was appropriate so I just kept my distance. I only saw myself as an adult going through a divorce, not as a father. I didn’t know how to talk to you two.”

They both avoid eye contact and just stare at the street in front of them. A large group of people crosses the street. It feels like an intrusion on a private moment between father and son. As soon as the group is out of sight Elia’s father continues talking.

“I got worried because I realized I have no idea where you’ve been the past few weeks. I feared you were going down the wrong path, that you were hanging out with bad people. I’m just worried Elia. But I’m beginning to understand now that I don’t have the answers to these questions because you don’t trust me enough to share them with me. Or maybe you fear me enough to not do so. I want us to trust each other. But we must earn this trust. You need to earn mine and I need to earn yours.”

He turned to face Elia. Elia did the same.

“I understand what you’re saying dad.” Elia responds. “It’s true, I do have a hard time opening up to you. Well, I have a hard time opening up in general, but I can try sharing more with you.”

Elia’s father turns his attention back on the street, registering what Elia has just said. Elia can tell his father has a lot in his mind. His dad opens his mouth to speak but closes it a second later.

“Thank you Elia”, he finally replies. “Last night at home I felt like I lost you and today I felt the same in the hospital. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’m making an effort here, it’s hard to talk about this but I want to connect with you. You’re my son, I want to be part of your life, I want to feel like I know you and I want to be there for you.”

“I want the same thing dad”, Elia shares. He feels one knot in his throat and a bigger one in his stomach. The one on his throat is caused by what his dad is saying and the one in his stomach is there because of the things Elia is not saying.

“Great, now let’s go inside Elia”, his father unbuckles his seat belt and reaches for the door.

“Dad, wait”, Elia impulsively says.

His father waits.

“I want to say something else.” Elia takes a deep breath. There’s not turning back now. “I want you to know I’m doing ok. Everything in school is great, my friends are good and – well, I’m doing good too.”

His father nods. 

“And well, you asked me yesterday who was the guy in the car and I – I don’t know if you noticed, but you met him today.”

“Filippo”, his dad says under his breath. Elia hears this.

“Yes, ehm… Filippo” Elia quietly says. “And, well… he ehm, well…”

“Yes Elia?”

“Well this past few weeks I’ve been coming late because I was with him. I mean, I was also with my friends sometimes, and doing school work too. But he’s a reason why I have been out so much.”

Elia pauses, his father looks down at his hands waiting for Elia to continue but Elia remains silent.

“You’re together” Elia’s father states.

“Yeah” Elia looks out the window, afraid of what his reaction could be.

“I didn’t know you liked boys,” His dad said.

“I didn’t either until recently. I like girls too but I’ve known that for a while.” Elia admits.

“Thanks for being honest with me Elia” he hadn’t stopped looking down, avoiding eye contact. “Ehm, this is so new to me. I had no idea – I didn’t even suspect it until two days ago”, he continued. “I – I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything”, Elia interrupts, a tone of disappointment is heard in his voice.

“No, I do. You were honest to me and I will be honest back. You deserve that.” His dad replies quickly. “It’s all too new to me. I need time to process it, but Elia – “ he looks up, meeting Elia’s gaze, “you do know I love you, right?” he finally says.

“I know dad.” Elia answers

Truth be told he didn’t always know that. In the past, sometimes he doubted if his father actually did, but today he knows he does, he can feel it. A tear comes down his cheek but is quickly wiped off.

“When did you find out?” His dad curiously asked.

“Oh, do you really want to know? I guess I can tell you if you’d like.”

“I do want to know, please tell me.”

So Elia did.

They stayed in the car talking for one more hour before feeling hungry and going upstairs to eat some sandwiches before heading to bed.

Later, as he gets inside the bed, he finally reads Filippo’s text message. Elia replies as he pulls the covers up.

23:18 – Elia: “Sorry Filippo, I just read this. Its quite late to call, you’re probably already sleeping. I will call you tomorrow ok? Thanks for today, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Elia turns to his side and closes his eyes for a few seconds before opening them to the sound of his phone ringing. It’s Filippo.

“Hey Elia. Is everything ok? Are you ok? Do you need me to come pick you up so you can sleep here? What do you want me to do?”

Elia chuckles.

“I’m ok Filo. How are you?”

“Worried! Worried about your accident, about your dad. Oh my god, your dad! He called your phone so many times I had to pick up and tell him you were at the hospital, I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first. Are things ok?”

“Yes, they are beginning to be ok. We talked in the car about a lot of things. Today has been overwhelming; I don’t think I’ve processed everything yet. I want to tell you all about it but right now I’m too exhausted.”

“It’s ok, I understand. I’m happy that you’re ok and I really wish I could be there with you to make you feel better.”

“Hearing your voice already does that. Don’t worry, I’m honestly ok. Let’s go to sleep ok?”

“Ugh, fine.”

But neither of them hangs up. They stay on the phone for a moment longer, not saying a word. This late at night, the only sound being heard is each other’s breathing over the phone. Elia closes his eyes, part from exhaustion and part to enjoy this moment. As soon as it goes dark he instantly has a vision of Filippo’s face smiling at him.

“Filo?” Elia breaks the silence.

“Yes?” Filippo whispers still on the line. His voice is noticeably tired now.

“I love you” Elia says.

Silence. Elia opens his eyes, only hearing Filippo’s breathing on the phone.

“I love you too Elia” Filippo replies. “Go to sleep, I’ll call you tomorrow and say it again in case you’re too tired tonight and forget.”

The next morning he woke up tired still but he didn’t forget. His eyes opened to a sharp pain in his hand, he was on his side, accidentally crushing his bandaged hand with his torso. He then remembered the accident, the hospital, his dad, Filippo, the I love you. He didn’t forget.

The morning is bright. There’s a strong ray of light creeping past the blinds, illuminating Elia’s back wall. He stares at it, enjoying the moment under the covers. The sheets are soft and warm. There’s no reason to leave his bed. He fits, it’s comfortable. Elia pulls turns around and pulls them over his chest. What begins as a change of position becomes a stretch. It started and it can’t be stopped. First his left leg, then his right one and next his whole body. And that’s it, he’s fully awake now, the moment is over.

Elia opens the door and walks into the living room. All the shades are up, it blinds him. Some of the windows are open, guiding a light breeze in through the living room and into the kitchen.

“Elia? Are you up?” he hears his father’s voice call for him. “I’m in the kitchen, come here.”

He walks inside, on the table there’s a simple breakfast laid out. Bread, jam, coffee and tea.

“Sit”, his father instructs him.

He sits downs.

“Well, come on, eat Elia.”

Elia grabs a piece of bread as he’s ordered to.

“So I didn’t get a chance to tell you before”, his dad continues, “but I have to go to Milan for work for a few days. I’m supposed to leave today so I can set up the presentation tomorrow before our team there meets on Monday with a group coming from Germany. But I don’t know if you’ll be fine here by yourself with your injury. I called my boss to check if I could stay instead of foinf to the meeting but it’s too important for me to miss it. I will come back on Tuesday, but do you need me to stay? Maybe I can try calling him again.”

Elia brushes off the suggestion.

“No dad, it’s fine really. It’s only my left hand, I can still use the right one. I can always just order in too. Don’t miss the meeting because of me. I’m fine, I promise.”

His father looks unsure but sighs.

“Ok, my train leaves at three today, so I’ll be leaving in a few hours, but check the fridge if there’s something you need so I can buy it before leaving.”

“Don’t worry dad”, Elia insisted. “I can go out later if I need to.”

“Ok, ok. I won’t worry. But call me if you need anything ok?”

“I will.”

A couple hours later his father was out the door. He kissed him goodbye, grabbed his luggage and left. Elia is now standing in the kitchen, looking around, thinking what he could make himself for lunch. Looking down at his bandages he admits to himself he won’t be able to cook with just one hand. Maybe there’s something already in the fridge? He opens the fridge and frowns, there’s nothing, unless he wants to only eat raw vegetables.

 _“He was right, I need help”,_ he thinks.

He takes out his phone to make a phone call, not to his father but to Filippo. Filippo picks up after a few rings.

“Hi!” Elia greets him enthusiastically.

“Hey baby. Are you just waking up?”

“Haha no, it’s almost two in the afternoon, I’ve been up for a while.”

“Well you could sleep past two, and you know that.” Filippo teases him.

“You’re right”, Elia admits proudly. “I really could, but I didn’t.”

They both chuckle.

“So listen Fili, turns out I need help. My dad just left for a few days because of a work trip and I just realized cooking with one hand is going to be difficult.”

“So you want me to gallantly come over and save you”, Filippo confidently proclaimed.

Elia laughs loudly.

“Haha no Filippo. I want you to help me cook and maybe later you could not so gallantly make out with me in my room.”

“I like this idea better, I’ll be right over.”

Elia smiles and waits by the couch for his boyfriend to come. Thirty minutes later he was there, using six pots and pans to cook chicken and rice as Elia smiles at the sight from the kitchen table. How did he get so lucky? Filippo was babbling about his cooking technique but Elia is not paying attention, he is just in awe of how beautiful his boyfriend looks today, everyday really. Much like the strong single ray of sunlight in his room this morning, Filippo makes Elia feel warm inside. He reminisces about all that has happened since that radio Christmas party at Marti’s last December. How they didn’t see each other until weeks later, how they ran into each other by the park, their first kiss under a small roof after the storm, their trips to the beach, their nights in and now the hospital visit. How did he get so lucky?

“Elia!” Filippo interrupts his daydreaming, dropping a plate of food in front of him. “Eat.”

The food smells delicious.

“This smells delicious Filippo. Thanks for com-“ the sound of the front door unlocking interrupts him.

“Elia” a voice calls out. It’s his dad.

“I couldn’t stop thinking that there was nothing in the fridge so I had to come back. I changed my train ticket for later tonight. I got groceries and I got your favorite pasta from down the street. Did you cook? I can smell th-“ he stops himself the second he sees them seating down in the kitchen with two untouched full plates of food in the table.

“Dad, thanks for the food and groceries. You didn’t have to buy anything but I appreciate it.” Elia gets up to help his dad with the bags.

“Hello sir”, Filippo awkwardly stands up to shake his hand. Elia’s dad remains silent.

“I came over to help Elia cook”, Filippo explains. “Do you want some? We made chicken and rice.”

Filippo and Elia look at him, waiting for a reaction. Elia’s dad realizes he hasn’t said a word yet.

“Ehm hello Filippo,” he finally blinks and walks to the kitchen counter with the rest of the bags. He starts taking out the groceries and replies with his back to the boys, “I haven’t eaten yet and it smells delicious. Do you have enough?”

“I’ll share mine with you dad”, Elia chimes in.

“No don’t worry Elia, you can eat it.”

“I’ll tell you what”, Elia’s dad continues. Filippo is still standing up, unsure on how to act. “I’ll take Filippo’s plate.”

“Yes, please do.” Filippo quickly replies. “You’re back to help Elia so I can leave now.”

Elia’s dad turns around and slowly starts to give him a short, shy smile.

“Don’t be ridiculous Filippo, please stay”, he says. “Like I said I can take your plate and maybe you’d like to try Elia’s favorite pasta from down the street.”

Filippo’s surprised but recovers quickly.

“Yes, I would like that. He told me about it before but I haven’t had the chance to go there yet.”

“Well, today’s your chance”, Elia’s dad laughs. “Ok, but boys, move so I can have some room in the table too.”

Elia pulls up another chair and sets a new plate in the table.

They sit down and politely eat. Filippo devours the pasta and Elia’s dad compliments their cooking. Elia hardly says a word during lunch, he just observes, just like he likes to do. He watches Filippo as his dad explains the upcoming trip and then he stares at his dad as he listens to Filippo talk about photography and school. Elia just observes. The longer he stares the stronger he feels the now familiar sense of warmth that is currently filling him up from the inside. 

Elia smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read and commented on this fanfic. I started writing it as a way to experiment with different approaches to writing (that's why some chapters feel different than others). I really enjoyed doing this and I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the support!


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